In this episode of Scream Queens, “Seven Minutes in Hell,” the election causes a shake-up in the house, Zayday and Grace organize a slumber party in the hopes of catching the killer and the Red Devil strikes again.
The Kappas cast their votes and it’s a tie. This sets Chanel off into a rage where she spews her unique brand of venom at all of her “sisters.” But, once again, Chanel #5 is her primary target. She stomps off to the sanctity of her closet. Despite receiving her umpteenth tongue lashing, Chanel #5 and the always loyal Chanel #3 chase after her.
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A Kappa with a Plan
Chanel’s tantrum was just an act. She wanted Zayday to win, even voting for her competition herself. It seems Chanel has decided to take a different tact. She’s developed a strategy based on A&E documentaries about the Mafia. First and foremost, you never want to be the boss in a time of extreme confidence because it puts a target on your back. Being president of Kappa House when there’s a killer on the loose targeting Kappas makes you the top target.
Ideally, Chanel was counting on one of her original minions betraying her, making Zayday the president outright, but this works out even better. When she makes peace with Zayday, she’ll be the sorority equivalent of Angelina Jolie.
Chanel’s philanthropic pumpkin patch was all a ruse to get Zayday killed and save herself in the process.
Phase two of the “Chanel Dies Last” plan is to give Zayday the keys to the storage room and decide to graciously relinquish her post. It’s time to give the Zayday administration a chance.
The Kappas Have a Slumber Party
Zayday’s first order of business as acting president is to try and figure out a way for her sisters to not die grisly deaths at the hands of the Red Devil(s). Grace is convinced that the Chanels have to know something since the killings can all be traced back to the house. Zayday suggests a slumber party (Slumber Party Massacre, anyone?) where a) someone is bound to experiment with lesbianism, and b) secrets will be revealed.
Chanel #3 demands that the first group activity of the night be a game of Spin the Bottle. Chanel doesn’t see the point since there are zero wangs in the room, but Chanel #3 is determined to explore her confusing, conflicting feelings for “Predatory Lez” Sam.
After kissing Sam, Chanel #3’s affection for her is confirmed. But Chanel #3 has a distressing romantic track record. She confides in Sam that her first sexual encounter was with a friend of her father’s, and the man committed suicide by running himself over with a golf cart. Her next relationship was even worse: a co-ed who became so obsessed with her ears, he had to leave school. He still writes her letters threatening to cut them off if he ever sees them again. Finally, the penchant for earmuffs is explained.
Sam offers to rub Chanel #3’s uterus to help her work through her feelings, but Chanel #3 makes it very clear. She’s inherited her father’s (Charles Manson) charisma and madness. Whenever she falls in love with someone, it drives them insane. Their vaginas can never touch.
The Kappas are Trapped
The girls soon realize they are trapped inside the house. All of the doors and windows are locked. Chanel figures that someone must have hacked into the alarm system she had installed after watching Panic Room. But Chanel eschewed the idea of locking herself into a small, dingy room, so she made the entire Kappa House a panic room instead. Grace says there must be a way to deactivate it, but Chanel informs her that the kill switch is on back order.
The power gets cut and all of the girls’ cell phones aren’t working, except for Chanel’s. Hers is a satellite phone because, as we all know, her dad is super-gross rich. Chanel calls her useless, polo shirt loving man whore, Chad, to come to her rescue.
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Dollar Scholars to the Rescue
Chad’s fellow Dollar Scholars conducted an intervention. Word is out that he’s been humping Dean Munsch and Denise Hemphill. They think it’s gross to have sex with old women, and Chad realizes the best move for himself and his fraternity brothers is to focus their attention on scoring hot snatch, like Chanel, so he’s turning over a new leaf and dedicating himself to her.
Before rushing over to save her, Chad decides to come clean about his dalliances with the Dean and Denise. Chanel is mortified but less concerned about Chad’s promiscuity than getting murdered, so she urges him to make haste.
Chad’s big plan to save the day is to climb a ladder and break a second-story window to gain access to the house. He’s met by a very grateful Chanel, who pledges her undying love. This gives Chad reason to pause; he’s up for some vag but not monogamy, so Chanel is forced to dial back the hysterics.
As Chad enjoys an embrace from his marabou-clad sweetheart, he spots the Red Devil heading their way. He urges his brother to hurry, but the poor, armless Caulfield has no way to ascend. Caulfield survived the amputation of his arms only to be ax-murdered in the end anyway.
The Kappas Play Truth or Dare
With a dead Dickie on the lawn, Zayday and Grace put the rest of their plan into action. It’s time for a game of Truth or Dare.
Jennifer points out the obvious: if you were the killer or knew something about the killer, you could simply lie. But Chad points out that the rules of the game are finite. If you pick truth you have to tell the truth and if you pick dare it’s suspicious, and he’s going to think the person had something to do with the death of his sweet bestie Boone and Caulfield. Roger points out that Dodger has also fallen victim to the Red Devil, but Chad says nobody misses Dodger; he was holding Roger back.
The game reveals that Chanel #3 is the progeny of Charles Manson and has super sexy feelings for Sam.
Another Kappa Dies in a Bathtub
In retaliation for Sam betraying her confidence, Chanel #3 dares her girl crush to go down to the basement, where the Kappas keep their deepest, darkest secrets and take a nap in the bathtub.
While the Kappas and the Dickies jam out to some Chumbawamba, it is Sam who gets knocked down, only there’s no getting back up again. She knows she’s toast, and her last wish is to see the Red Devil’s face. Once she sees it, Sam say she knew he/she was the killer all along. Then the Red Devil suffocates her with a plastic bag.
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The Kappa and Chad
Hester corners Chad in the kitchen. She wonders when their relationship is going to move forward. Chad is having second thoughts. He was hoping Hester would be killed so he wouldn’t have to give her the bad news, but he thinks Hester is too crazy. Not typical co-ed craziness, but wake-up-with-his-dick-in-a-jar lunatic. He’s tempted, but he loves his penis too much to take the risk.
Hester makes it clear that she doesn’t take second place or stop until she gets what she wants. Their conversation is interrupted by Chanel, leaving Chad aroused and eager to rub one out, but Chanel informs him it’s time to play a new game.
The Kappas Turn on Each Other
Chanel decides it’s time for Seven Minutes in Heaven. Grace objects, stating the whole point of the slumber party is to figure out who the killer is. Chanel tells Grace to give the whole Nancy Drew act a rest. The plan isn’t working, and Chanel would prefer to spend some time letting Chad “dial 0 on her little pink telephone.” Brills. Love the sexual euphemism for finger banging.
The group hears a scream from the basement and finds Hester standing over Sam’s lifeless body. This means the killer is in the house. There’s a blink or you’ll miss it tribute to When a Stranger Calls when Jennifer asks if anyone’s checked the children.
Chanel points a finger at Hester. She was the one to conveniently find the body. Chanel reveals that Number Three told her it was Hester, who turned her into the cops. Hester argues that given everything she’s done to help Chanel, like covering up Ms. Bean’s murder, she’d only be implicating herself if she involved the police.
Still, a cloud of suspicion lingers around Hester, so she suggests someone stand guard over her the rest of the night or until someone else dies, thereby clearing her name. Chanel decides Hester will be locked in Chanel’s closet until they can find a way out.
Chanel #3 is trying to enjoy her seven minutes in heaven with Roger, but he’s focused on his newfound freedom. As he blathers on, the Red Devil looms behind him. Presumably, Number Three is too scared to warn him and the guy gets shot to death with a nail gun, but the killer leaves Chanel #3 untouched.
When the rest of the group sees Roger’s body, his face reminiscent to of the guy from Hellraiser, Chanel is convinced that she’s the killer. Chad reminds everyone that when the Dickies got attacked, there were “dos diablos.”
Even though Chanel is convinced that her minions are the murderers, she turns her attention to Grace and questions Pete’s whereabouts. Grace says he’s studying.
The accusations are flying like a heated game of Clue. Adding to the frenzy is the discovery of a trap door leading to secret tunnels running underneath the Kappa House. Zayday finds the fact that Chanel withheld this tidbit of information suspicious.
A Kappa Saves the Day
Zayday decides to go down into the tunnels. It could be their only way out. Chanel decides that, as co-president, it’s her responsibility to go as well.
These aren’t your typical dark, dank tunnels. They are swank. The walls are lined with pictures of previous Kappa presidents and the passageways are lit by chandeliers. Chanel gives Zayday a brief rundown of some of the former presidents’ legacies, and they are all deplorable.
The girls find themselves trapped with the Red Devil. Chanel is able to escape, but Zayday isn’t as lucky. She impressively avoids becoming firewood long enough for Chanel to return to knock the killer unconscious.
The next morning, the police and Dean Munsch take control of the situation. The Kappas are now going to be under 24-hour surveillance. Dean Munsch is tickled. She can tell the parents of students that as long as they have no affiliation with Kappa House, they are safe to resume normal school activities.
Wes arrives, and he’s determined to leave and take Grace with him. Grace doesn’t want to go and Zayday has her girl’s back, forcing Wes to temporarily surrender.
After the previous night’s mayhem, the Kappas appear closer than ever. Chanel #3 and Chanel #5 bond over their shared loss and resolve to outlive Chanel.
Even Chanel is feeling a new sense of purpose. No more Kappas will die on her watch. It’s time to take the fight to the Red Devil. She won’t rest until the killers’ heads are on spikes in front of the house. Cue random dance party.
Scream Queens airs Tuesdays at 9pm on FOX.
(Image courtesy of FOX)