Episode Overview: The three remaining girls’ parents show up, and crap hits the fan. Heather and Lacey go after each other, and in the end, it’s down to the final two.
As the title of tonight’s all new Rock of Love would suggest, Bret Michaels has invited the Awesome Threesome’s parents to the house. Heather’s parents are first, and they seem quite normal, and she’s very happy to see them. Apparently they’re divorced and she’s not accustomed to seeing them in the same room together. Jes’ parents are quite different than I’d imagined. Her mom is quite short and rotund, her father kind of looks like David Letterman. She describes her relationship with them as “kick ass.” Lacey is happy to see her father, as she’s “daddy’s little girl.” Her mother (step-mom) looks like she belongs on Age of Love, or maybe even duking it out with Lacey on this show. She’s trying to pass for a much younger woman.
Bret remembers being seated next to Lacey’s dad on a plane, which is either a lucky coincidence, a purposeful manipulation by the producers, or a total lie. Bret thought he was odd, and when Bret saw a picture of the man’s daughter and asked if he could date her, Lacey’s father said she was too young for him.
Heather and her parents go out with Bret to eat. Instantly, her parents get hammered and start making fart and poop jokes. Bret loves them. Heather goes to ride the mechanical bull, and when it starts “shimmy shaking,” she says “my tatters are flip-flopping everywhere.” That is one euphemism for fake breasts I had never heard before. My opinion of Heather is greatly improved after seeing her parents.
Next Bret takes Jes and her parents to a rock clothing store. They play dress up with the parents, and they seem game, if not entirely comfortable in this place. It’s kind of funny, and Jes seems to get along well with her parents. She says they’re good sports, and that’s probably the perfect description of them.
He goes to a nice sit-down dinner with Lacey’s folks, and her dad is drilling Bret with countless questions to see if he’s good enough for his daughter. Lacey’s dad gets even crazier when he says he’s a wealthy man (that explains Lacey’s trophy step-mom) and that, if he marries Lacey, there will be a pre-nup. Bret says it best: “Are you f***ing kidding me?” Then, if possible, her dad flies off the rails. She has her own money, is a Presidential scholar, and doesn’t do drugs, smoke or drink a lot. I guess delusions run in her family.
When they get home, Heather is drunk and roaming around in her room topless with a thong on. You know, as people do when they’re on a TV show. Lacey is offended, but Heather is even moreso because “Lacey’s dad is staring at my tatters.” Then she calls him “Creepy Creeperton.” I don’t know where this awesome, hilarious Heather was hiding all season, but I’m really starting to like her. Lacey tries playing with Heather’s mind, talking about how she’s a stripper, and asking her to do a demonstration on the pole. The thing she forgot is Heather knows exactly what Lacey’s game is, and won’t fall for it.
Before a big group dinner, Heather debriefs her parents on all the madness in the house, then ominously states she’s gonna call Lacey out in front of her dad on all the crap she’s been up to. At dinner, Jes earns my ire by saying the atmosphere was “literally so tense you could cut it with a knife.” When people misuse that word, it makes me so mad my head literally explodes. Heather gets upset at Lacey’s condescending father, and man, it took everyone no time at all to hate her father as much as they hate her.
Lacey’s dad builds up his daughter with her great music career and her wise investments, then Heather starts calling out all the drunken mayhem Lacey has caused in the house. Jes is smart enough to lay back and let these two go at it. Lacey’s step-mom, obviously a master manipulator, pulls her aside to discuss strategy, re: Heather. While they’re gone, Lacey’s dad is badmouthing restaurants with mechanical bulls, which disgusts Bret even further.
The morning after, Bret is hitting a punching bag (probably imagining it’s Lacey’s dad), when Lacey comes out to do damage control and throw Heather under the bus. The problem is Heather and Jes overhear this whole thing. Heather storms out and goes off on Lacey. Lacey just sits back and tries to come across as the calm sensible one. Jes sits back and enjoys the whole cat fight. Heather lets out one final tirade to Lacey: “Why don’t you tell your dad how many times you BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP since you’ve been here?” I’m not sure what it is, but Jes lets out an adorable “Oh dear.”
Basically, Heather is unhinged and, in this episode, singlehandedly triples the number of bleeps for the entire season. One confessional sums it up nicely. “Lacey is the biggest BLEEP bitch. How dare she talk BLEEP about me. She’s the biggest BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP in this whole house and has been since day one.” Meanwhile, Jes and her parents are chilling and finding this whole battle amusing.
Heather goes another round with Lacey, trying to explain how her father will be shocked when he sees what his daughter has been up to. Lacey tries to deny it and come across as a good little girl. Heather, however, goes for the jugular about how Lacey is a slut, talking about all the sexual stuff she’s done with Bret. “I saw you BLEEP his BLEEP,” Heather says. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out what goes in there, and I completely believe that Heather has literally seen such an act be performed.
Lacey’s dad naturally wants to talk about whose BLEEP his daughter has been BLEEPING. Wow. Notice that, though Lacey denied it when Heather accused her, Bret makes no such denial other than to say that nobody knows what anyone did with anyone. That’s the most obvious non-admission admission I’ve ever heard.
Rock of Love Elimination Time! Jes knows she has nothing to worry about. The other two are fighting it out, and Lacey is overly confident about her chances. It’s unclear if she really believes she has a deep connection with Bret, or if she’s totally nuts. Lacey gets sent packing, because otherwise the finale would be completely anticlimactic.
Next week, on the Rock of Love finale, will it be Jes or Heather? The awesome and adorable punk chick, or the stripper with a tattoo of Bret’s name on the back of her neck. They’re heading to Cabo San Lucas to find out.
-John Kubicek, BuddyTV Senior Writer
(Image courtesy of VH1)