Previously on Rock of Love 2: Everyone hated Kristy Joe except for Aubrey, who sacrificed herself so that Kristy Joe could stay. Ironically, it turned out Bret was gonna cut Aubrey anyway.
The “divine nine” wake up and Big John hands them their next clue, and it’s time for the second annual Bret Michaels Mud Bowl! Catherine the cougar is excited, because she’s a dirty Montana girl. Daisy is terrified of getting hurt, probably because she’s really tiny.
At the football field, Bret decides to play God and summons the elements. Big John controls the weather, and he creates rain, snow and wind. The teams are the Sweethearts (led by Catherine) and the Fallen Angels (led by Destiney). They take turns picking their teams, and one person is left on the sidelines. Destiney chooses the monstrous Inna, Kristy Joe, and the dainty Daisy. Catherine goes for Peyton, Ambre and Jessica. Megan gets to work on her tan.
The game begins, and Ambre proves herself to be a great player, scoring the first two touchdowns of the game. Meanwhile, Ukrainian Inna doesn’t fully understand the rules and gets repeatedly called for illegal forward passes. What the hell, they’re playing by official rules?
In the second half, the Fallen Angels mean business, as you can tell because Daisy calls the other team “smelly pink hearts.” They immediately get on the board when Kristy Joe catches a long pass. A quick fumble by Jessica gives the ball back to the Fallen Angels, and Daisy does a great job evading tackles from pretty much everyone. Bret sees the fierce competitiveness between Ambre and Daisy and Bret notes “I felt a sweet competition going on.” In his pants.
As the game ends, the Fallen Angels get one more miraculous score to tie it up, going into overtime. Daisy has mud in her eyes, but won’t give up. I’m pretty sure the saying isn’t “Unclear eyes, full hearts, can’t lose.” Ambre gets the ball and runs hard, but after dodging tackles from every Fallen Angel, she stumbles and drops the ball. Daisy picks it up and runs all the way back for the touchdown. The Sweethearts are demoralized and injured, while Daisy is obviously the MVP who gets a solo date.
That night, Bret takes Daisy to Foreplay, a lingerie shop where the owner seems all too familiar with Bret’s patronage. He has an “emotional and spiritual” awakening and puts her in the skimpiest lingerie he can find. Bret’s horn-dog meter blows up as he reverts into the stammering sexual deviant we all know he is, drooling and making incoherent sounds as he stares at Daisy’s body. Afterwards they have a romantic dinner (in the lingerie store!) and Daisy commits the fatal flaw of opening her mouth. She asks such scintillating questions as “How tall are you?” and “Do you like to travel?” Bret has no choice but to tune her out and reminisce about the lingerie and a simpler time when Daisy was merely a sexual object and not a real, boring person.
Back at the mansion, Peyton and Catherine are having an old lady bitch session about how they never win competitions and never go on dates with Bret. I momentarily think an exciting game of canasta will break out. Peyton writes a note for Bret and leaves it on his door. It says: “Bret – It is urgent that I speak 2U – immediately! Please!! – Peyton.” I love it when things are tragic and hilarious at the same time.
Megan also writes a note, and when she goes to put it on the door, she sees Peyton’s and puts it in her pocket because she’s incredibly jealous. Peyton checks on her note (which is kind of paranoid), and rather than get overly upset that hers is missing, she writes ANOTHER note and slides it under his door. She tells Megan, who denies seeing the original note. Megan then goes to the door, gets the note Peyton slid under the door, and crumples it up, hiding it under a guitar case. Wow, Megan is insane.
When Bret and Daisy get home, he plays some pool with the other ladies while Daisy puts on one of the pieces of lingerie Bret bought her to hopefully get some more time. Catherine bets that if she makes a pool shot, she gets five minutes alone with Bret, and she does. Daisy is upset because Catherine reminds her of Peggy Bundy from Married…with Children. That’s so mean, but so funny. When those five minutes are over, Bret goes to bed and Daisy freaks out that maybe she did something wrong.
On the group date, Bret teaches the girls to drive his fast car while wearing leather outfits. He calls them his Bret Bond-age girls. Double-0 rock. That’s so lame. When it’s over, they head back to the house and Bret chats with Peyton who cries a lot. Bret fears they may be in the friendship zone.
Rock of Love 2 (Non-)Elimination Time! Catherine is worried because she and Jessica are the only two who have yet to be on a date with Bret. Megan is confident because she and Bret have “a mental Superman psychological connection.” Good God, I don’t care how hot she is, that girl is the absolute dumbest thing I’ve ever seen on TV. Bret gives Megan a pass because she was the only girl who wrote a nice note on his door. Oh hell no! It comes down to Peyton and Daisy, and Bret calls Peyton down and gives her a pass. Everyone is kind of freaking out, then Bret calls Daisy down and says he saved the best for last. There is no elimination! Wow, first The Celebrity Apprentice, and now Rock of Love 2, it looks like reality contestants on the verge of elimination are having the Best Week Ever.
Next week on Rock of Love 2: Rodeo returns to host a new challenge involving horseback riding and pig wrestling. The great Kristy Joe debate rages on in the house. And, to make up for this week, two girls are going home.
-John Kubicek, BuddyTV Senior Writer
(Image courtesy of VH1)