Previously on Rock of Love 2: Peyton and Daisy stepped it up thanks to their musical abilities. Angelique continued to look and act like a transvestite prostitute. Destiney, Daisy and Roxy won passes to take Bret Michaels away whenever they want. Bret acted like a sexual pervert. Three more women went home.
Big John hands the women their first challenge, and I immediately grow suspicious because it says Bret knows all the women are “sweet and classy.” I suppose technically smearing chocolate mousse on your breasts does make you “sweet.” Megan prays the task doesn’t involve “athletic-ness,” so I guess winning Beauty and the Geek didn’t change her that much.
The girls show up to a roller derby rink. They’ll be divided into teams of four and their only job is to protect Little Baby Bret, a doll, in a stroller. The baby is pimped out with shades, a cowboy hat, and the stroller has a fair of fuzzy dice hanging from it. The teams must successfully get the baby around the rink three times while avoiding the onslaught of the professional L.A. Derby Dolls, led by Rock of Love veteran Lacey Conner. She rolls around the corner and says “What’s up, skanks?” Suddenly, I love her.
The fake baby is somehow designed to measure trauma, which sounds ridiculous. The professional roller derby girls teach the Rock of Love 2 chicks how to skate, and we get a quick montage of hot chicks in hot pants falling on their asses.
First up is the pink team of Destiney, Megan, Daisy and Catherine, three hot young sorority chicks, and their den mother. They start off nice, but then Megan, in charge of the stroller, falls, and the L.A. Derby Dolls attack. Lacey is literally punching the baby.
Next is the red team, Ambre, Jessica, Roxy and Peyton, and their strategy is to let Peyton skate as fast as she can with Little Baby Bret. She does a pretty good job, sacrificing herself many times, which makes Bret “want to breed.” Sadly, on the third lap, one of the L.A. Derby Dolls catches up and rips one of the baby’s arms off.
The blue team features terrible skaters Aubry, Angelique and Inna, though luckily they have former speed skater Kristy Joe. She nails it, speeding through and avoiding the L.A. Derby Dolls up until the very end, when they attack a bit. The official doctor comes out, and clearly, the blue team wins, though surprisingly, the pink team’s baby is worse off than the red team’s armless baby.
The three stragglers get one date, while Kristy Joe won herself a solo date with Bret. Angelique promises to f*** Bret so good he won’t look at any of the other girls again. On their date, Aubry is wearing the most outrageous outfit ever. It’s a big black hat, a long black trench coat covering a short black miniskirt, and she’s carrying a cane that looks like a magician’s wand.
The date is at a burlesque club. Aubry has been dancing since she was 7-years-old. Angelique, of course, looks for any excuse to get completely naked, though she’s disappointed that burlesque is more about teasing than giving away free milk. Inna’s dancing leaves much to be desired, but Aubry is great. Angelique wastes no time taking it all off, and there are happy faces everywhere covering the naughty bits. Inna and Aubry are kind of disgusted, seeing another woman’s downstairs area on display for all to see.
Back at the mansion, Kristy Joe is letting her victory go to her head, because she knows how to skate and has kids, so she also knew how to push a stroller. The other girls aren’t too happy.
The next morning, Kristy Joe learns she gets to create her solo date, and she settles on an outdoor barbecue. Inside, storm clouds gather and Destiney and Daisy plot to destroy Kristy Joe. Twenty minutes into the date, Destiney will use her VIP pass to take Bret aside, and when she’s done, Daisy will do the same. Roxy disapproves.
The date is going fine, until Bret learns that Kristy Joe has two failed marriages, and she’s still in the process of getting the second one annulled. Meaning she’s still technically married. Normally I’d be shocked, but we just went through the exact same thing on I Love New York 2, and that worked out perfectly fine for the “technically married” Tailor Made. As Kristy Joe is explaining herself, Destiney comes in to use her VIP pass, and while Destiney is proud of herself, Bret is clearly uneasy about it, trying several times to get Destiney to renege.
When that’s over, Daisy comes up. Kristy Joe is upset, and for that matter, so is Bret. He talks Daisy out of using her VIP pass, because he recognizes this is just a strategy to get Kristy Joe off balance. Wow, did Bret Michaels just exhibit signs of intelligence and rational thought? Not so much, because afterwards he find Daisy and talks to her as if she only came up to talk, and not to sabotage Kristy Joe. The reason for this change of heart is that Daisy is in a bikini, and cleavage is Bret Michaels’ Kryptonite.
Rock of Love 2 Elimination Time! The first pass goes to Destiney for using her VIP pass correctly. Daisy gets the second pass, for the exact opposite reason, because she knew when not to use her VIP pass, which was at the exact same time. When the smoke clears, Angelique and Roxy are sent home! I get the first one, because Bret is disgusted by her insane love of leaving nothing to the imagination. But Roxy? I guess he didn’t appreciate the fact that she wasn’t a conniving beeyotch who used her VIP pass to screw another girl over.
On the next episode of Rock of Love 2: the girls build customized motorcycles. Kristy Joe continues to be an emotional wreck. Aubry gets jealous.
-John Kubicek, BuddyTV Senior Writer
(Image courtesy of VH1)