Last Week on Love in the Wild: Bats, broken bridges and some real brats emerged. Ben and Brandee were mutually abusive, and liked it. Miles and Heather were cute to each other, and liked it. Peter (surfer) and Vanessa (soul-sucker) were eliminated.
Tonight on Love in the Wild: Only two words really matter: SNAKE. ISLAND. Other than that (like anything else could compare!): More stupidity. It’s been three weeks, so hopefully some sex? Definitely laughs. Let’s go!
Sexy Status Report: Kym is excited to be partners with Steele, and “desperately” wants it to work out. Ladies, always make sure to use THAT word as often as possible! Heather feels “ripped away” from Miles by Chinstrap, because that’s exactly what happened, King Kong style. Erica is always annoying, but tonight she’s annoying Miles, her new partner who wishes he was with Heather. Sam feels like her bond with Mike is solid like a rock, which means it will end up being the Bluth version of “solid as a rock.” Skip and Theresa are hump-kissing in the bed, and we get to watch, because this is America and 2011 and this is what we do now. Pain-loving Brandee makes birthday boy Ben breakfast in bed, and he says, “This smells like sh*t!” Ben is the worst and I wish it was the OPPOSITE of his “birth”-day, if you get my drift.
THE CHALLENGE: The smaller guy from Flight of the Conchords explains that each team gets a map and a canoe, with which they must travel to “Snake Island,” where they must retrieve a VIP crate from beneath a writhing orgy of evil snakes. What’s in the crate? DON’T ASK QUESTIONS, SINGLETONS. JUST GO GET IT. (It’s drugs.) Why is it called Snake Island? Because SNAKES, DUH! (It’s snakes on drugs.)
Ready, set … fall in love via fake competitive danger!
The couples race to their canoes. Kym and Steele are “like a rowing team,” according to Kym. Jason, once again, sucks at anything that requires physical exertion, and Baby Jessica is noticing. Heather secretly hopes Miles wins so he can have first pick this week, and they can get back together. Miles is doing his best, thanks to all the training he’s had rowing those 10,000 lakes, but Erika‘s arms are like if you dipped baby arms in cupcake batter. Mike and Sam are feeling the sting of failure for the first time since they arrived in the wild, and it hurts Sam’s big, sensitive eyebrows.
Derek and Jess get to the island first. They immediately start making plans for the future:
Be careful what you promise, Jess. The vow of a massage is a sacred bond on Snake Island.
Skip is conflicted about how Theresa‘s face is pretty but the rest of her is dragging him down. But … but … so prettyyyyyyy! Derek is almost fooled by a camouflaged snake on the crate, but unfortunately, I mean LUCKILY, it doesn’t bite his face off. Jess estimates that their crate weighs 50 to 70 pounds, which doesn’t bode well for Baby Jessica. 60 pounds is her goal weight. Skip is now amazed at how perfect Theresa’s hair and makeup can stay when she is moving and thinking at a normal human pace. “She’s really mentally tough,” says Skip. Like an expired fruit leather, or a Slim Jim!
Sam and Mike are on the verge of breakup, and Brandee is starting to reveal why she likes Ben so much: Because Brandee is not so bright. Brandee laughs at everything that Brandee says, that’s how I know.
“LOL! Whut?” – Brandee to Brandee
I can’t believe I actually know these idiots’ names from memory. Skip is all like, “Let me pass you!” to Derek, and Theresa‘s loins are salivating, all like, “Skip is a BADASS!” I can’t wait for these two to get married and have a million babies who have baby-brains forever.
Steele, whom let’s all recall considers himself a PRO GOLFER, capsizes his canoe (too much pecs! too heavy of pecs!) when he gets in for the return journey, and it clearly still haunts him to this day. Baby Jessica says Steele is “lost in the sauce,” which is a phrase she ALSO used last week, which is two too many weeks. Baby Jessica needs to learn some new words! Oh crap, while I was thinking about that, some people capsized their canoes out in the ocean and died? Oh no! I hope it’s Ben!
“Trust me.” “I trust you!”
Oh, it’s Kym and Steele. They’re forced to drag their canoe back to shore to bail it out while everyone else makes their way back to Non-Snake Island. Ben and Brandee are energized by the opportunity to at least somebody. “Let’s shoot for the stars the not being dead last!” Mike and Sam are bickering, because Sam’s eyebrows are sore (also too heavy). Erika is worried that because she did no work during the challenge, Miles won’t like her anymore. A valid concern. Derek and Jess are STILL talking about massages:
We get it!
I’m super-pissed, as if I didn’t know better, that for an episode heavily advertised as including SNAKES, there was only about three seconds of actual snakes in this episode. Not only that, but for a place called “SNAKE ISLAND,” they had maybe, oh, three snakes? Probably non-poisonous ones that an NBC intern bought at a Costa Rican pet store the day before? Snakes didn’t threaten or bite or kill anybody, and worse, they never even got a chance to! I’m furious. Just like every woman’s ex-boyfriend, this show is a JERKFACED LIAR, and just like every man’s ex-girlfriend, this show is a MANIPULATIVE B-WORD!
THE WINNERS: Derek and Jess make it back first, and the Australian grease monkey opens the crate to reveal… a bottle of champagne! This show’s version of “wild” is pathetic and effete. Theresa and Skip come in second, with Mike and Sam in third. Sam is still pouting because even though they did relatively well, they fought the whole time.
It’s a battle for Not Last Place between Heather and Chinstrap, Kym and Steele and Ben and Brandee. It’s like the dumber you look, the worse you’ll actually do in these challenges! I love that. Seems fair. Despite their TITANIC (*wink*) failure, Kym and Steele overtake Adam and Heather, who get last place because Adam sucks at rowing. It’s not his fault, bro! The rowing machine at his gym has been out of order, and they didn’t let him bring his supplements to the island, and just … UGH! Adam’s chinstrap defies nature and turns over into a perma-frown. Heather just hopes that Miles will pick her up and dust her off at the CCC.
Back at the Oasis, Jess says “this is the best room I’ve ever seen, EVER!” She and Derek toast their champagne and then proceed to feel each other out for several hours, both hoping they’ll get it on, but both too scared to say it. This is no time for games in this game, ladies and man-boys! NO TIME. In their cabin, Steele and Kym bond over their underdog victory for Not Last Place, and so of course Steele immediately gets scared of having feelings and tells us he has never had a serious relationship, and now he wants to run away from Kym. Steele, your brain just got a HOLE-IN-ONE!
Sexy Status Report: Skip is completely in love with Theresa because Theresa lets him shower with her and he likes how it feels when her thick black eyelash bricks tickle his forehead. Steele wants to move from Kym to Erika, even though there’s nothing wrong between him and Kym. Steele is just an ass, and asses need to wear a new pair every single day. Or, in Steele’s ass-case, every other day:
Sam and Mike can’t figure out if they aren’t meant to be, or if they are SO meant to be that they’re already like an old married couple. (It’s the first one. it’s been like 3 days, you guys!) Derek can smell Sam‘s unhappy pheromones and even though he thinks Jess is OK enough to kiss in the private Oasis pool, he wants to hit those beautiful bushy ‘brows.
It’s at this point that I would like to declare, or more like promise to myself, that if I actually find my heart genuinely caring about the status of any of these couples at the end of this show, I will reassess my life and move to a cave. On SNAKE ISLAND.
Baby Jessica walks in to their room to discover that Jason has burrito-ed himself in a comforter inside a tiny cradle. JASON! The cradle is where Baby Jessica is supposed to sleep! But no, Jason’s rocking the cradle, from which he decides to profess his love to Baby Jessica. This comes on too strong for our precious little infant, who says, “if you can manage to make me feel awkward, you’ve done something absurd.” BJ, when you right, you right. Jason is COMPLETELY absurd! And you look absolutely adorable in your Christening headband!
(Retail supervisor of a Gymboree/Build-A-Bear outlet combo?)
It’s Couples’ Choice Ceremony time, so everyone prepares as though they’re going to the MTV Music Awards (as a valet/cocktail waitress). It’s time to declare monogamy, find a new frog to kiss/hump/hate, or get perma-dumped and leave, sorry and single, forever.
THE CHOOSING OF THE MATES: Jess and Derek had a great time at the Oasis, so they would like to stay together. Skip and Theresa would also like to remain in the Ken and Barbie Dreamhouse of their hearts. Mike and Samantha stick it out through their rough patch as well. The dominoes stay upright, for now…
Miles decides he’d like to switch from Erika back to Heather, and Heather’s smile speaks for itself. Romeo and Juliet, reunited, IN LIFE, NOT IN DEATH! Erika asks Steele if he’d like to be her new man, and he’s got a tough call to make: Doom Kym to certain death and save himself, or fall down into the lava with Kym? He decides to leave Kym for Erika, but Kym has read “He’s Just Not That Into You,” so she handles it with cold, cold grace. Jason is REALLY Twofer-ing it tonight, with his genius glasses and sweater/tie combo.
Baby Jessica is wooed by Jason’s nerd glasses to stick around and “explore things” with him. (She just wasn’t impressed with her other two options: Ben and Chinstrap.)
Ben asks Brandee to stick it out with him (Gross! NEVER stick ANYTHING out with or at Ben!), and she reluctantly agrees — finally showing her first signs of consciousness.
So happy content satisfied managing surviving togetherrrrrrr…
That means Chinstrap and Kym must put their bracelets in the bowl and get the hell out. Kym is really upset that Steele chose Erika, and immediately relates the experience to how every man on Earth will end up letting you down. Chinstrap is more hopeful, saying he will take the profound lessons he learned here and apply them to finding a mate at home. If you live where Chinstrap lives, watch out for canoes full of snakes, ladies! (Or just never say yes to a man with a chinstrap. Yes. Yes, that’s a better rule to live by.)
What did you think of tonight’s episode? Are you enjoying making fun of this hot jungle mess as much as I am?
Next week: Snakes make way for ornery horses on a trail of tears (the silly, pointless, love-related kind), and Steele continues have a mind like an unsteel trap.
(Image courtesy of NBC)