This episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians gives me a mini-existential crisis. Sure, it’s fun watching Kris’ lip swell to Mick Jagger proportions, and Scott and Bruce talking out their problems is touching. However, Kourtney proving she loves Scott by buying him things along with the family filming an incredibly inappropriate music video made me physically ill.
Let’s start with some background: Everyone’s “vacaying” in the Dominican Republic, Scott doesn’t want to be there because Bruce is mad at him, Bruce is mad at Kris thinking she met with her ex-boyfriend and Kim’s just been accepted into Mensa. Wait, not that last part.
Now, Scott’s drunk. More than that, he’s “Let’s sneak into 14-16 year old girls rooms and scare them” drunk. The kind of drunk leaving you with hangovers that feel like your head’s exploding and sunlight feels like napalm to your eyeballs. Fun fact: that’s also how you’ll feel after this episode too!
Bruce and Kourtney get on Scott for wanting to sleep all day and ignore everyone. That’s momentarily forgotten when Kris beckons everyone to her room to reveal “something shocking.” She’s had an allergic reaction; her upper lip is humorously swollen. Bruce’s reaction? “It’s God punishing her” for talking with an ex-boyfriend. Someone who’s read the Bible, please check and tell me if that’s true.
Scott finally emerges from his stupor and ventures poolside. He’s promptly met with Kim asking why he peed in the kitchen trash can last night, which gets Kourtney fired up at him as well. Scott storms off and checks into a hotel, getting away from everyone. If he drinks there, I feel sorry for his maid. Rob gets on Kim for “snitching” out Scott, that trash can urination happens all the time.
Hold up. The man’s a father. Yeah, everyone should blow off steam sometimes, but so wasted that everything’s a urinal happens “all the time”? Wrong.
Anyways, Kris and Bruce resolve their issues, realizing they should help Scott. Bruce and Scott call a cease-fire so they can be there for Kourtney. Kourtney continues acting like someone’s replaced her brains with Valium and hormones, but whatever, pregnancy, etc.
All’s well and good until Kris urges Kourtney to prove how much she loves Scott by buying him something. That’s incredibly messed up: prove you love with actions, not objects. Whatever, it’s their relationship. If you need me, I’ll be off ranting about Marxist philosophy and capitalism until I’m arrested.
Oh, then we learn Kylie and Kendall have everyone filming a music video. It’s not mentioned, but said video is for Notorious B.I.G.’s “Hypnotize.” Aside from how semiotically strange seeing incredibly rich, white-bread teenagers lip sync lyrics about “blunts and broads” is, you’ll feel like you need a shower after watching a 14 and 16 year old suggestively poppin’ it. Somewhere Nabokov is smiling.
Maybe I’m reading too far into this. Maybe Scott and Kourtney’s relationship is healthy and Kendall and Kylie’s music video is harmless. Then again, maybe there’s a reason why I throw up in my mouth while watching this. What do you think? Comment below and say what’s on your mind!
(Image courtesy of E!)
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