It’s that time of year once more. The Bachelorette is hurdling toward its still obscure but probably-not-out-of-the-ordinary conclusion, and the tabloids are hurling around whatever ridiculous claims they can pay attention-desperate morons and “unnamed sources close to whoever” to corroborate. What a joy! Let’s see the slop, I MEAN NEWS, that they’re serving up this week:

#1 “Emily. Gentlemen. Final rose tonight. When you’re ready. To give it to MEEEE, your secret lover!” – Chris Harrison, in his head at every rose ceremony according to Star Magazine

Star Magazine claims that Emily Maynard, that one deciding between all the men who want to marry her, and Chris Harrison, the one she talks to about all those other men who want to marry her, are carrying on a steamy and elicit AFFAIR behind the scenes! And they’ve got a historically trustworthy and reliable source to back them up:

“From the beginning, I always said there was no way Emily was really going to end up with one of the guys because she really wanted to be with Chris, and it was obvious he wanted to be with her too,” past winner Vienna Girardi exclusively told Star. “I vacationed with Chris and his family in St. Lucia and know him well. He was never with his wife. He’s such a flirt,” she revealed.

Ohmagawd. I need to prepare myself, because I haven’t said this in close to a year, and it’s gonna feel so good: SHUT UUUUUUUUUUUP, VIENNA! Your best quality is that you are consistent. Consistently the worst.

#2 “Come here 2 me, plz.” – Sample Brad Womack text to Emily, according to Life & Style

But when she’s not engaging in hanky panky with Harrison, Life & Style claims that Emily is texting and calling her ex-fiance Brad Womack non-stop. According to the tabloid, these are not sexts, though. They’re “support” messages. Because WHO BETTER to advise you about which man to marry than the guy who tried and failed twice to get engaged on TV, and one of those times, it was to you? This story has an unnamed source, just to make it all the more believable:

“They call and text each other,” the source confirms to Life & Style. “They weren’t on good terms after their painful breakup, but Brad says they’re talking now, and it’s throwing him for a loop. It’s weird timing, but if anyone can understand what Emily is going through, it’s Brad.”

To be fair, what doesn’t throw Brad Womack “for a loop”? His three modes are confused, aroused and asleep.

#3 “If you want me to go on a three month all-expenses-paid vacation with 25 women who will do anything I say, you better give me $750,000 because that sounds like HARD WORK.” – Roberto Martinez to ABC, according to Us Weekly

You’ve heard the rumors that Roberto is going to be the next Bachelor, right? Right. So this week, Us Weekly claims that Roberto is demanding three-quarters of a cool mil if he’s going to endure the arduous process of sipping champagne on sandy beaches with multiple potential soulmates. Again, from an unnamed source:

“He wants a deal near what Emily [Maynard] asked for, around $750,000,” says an ABC source of the San Diego insurance agent, 29, in talks to return to the franchise. “But the network will give him pretty much anything.”

BONUS #4 “SIKE! … Marry me still, please?”Sean Lowe, next week

I know it’s hard to believe, but apparently those previews for next week’s Hometown Dates are lying to us. Sean Lowe doesn’t still live at home with his parents. Sean and his parents set that up as a trick on Emily. The ol’ “undersell” tactic.

And speaking of the undersell: That was Doug’s specialty!
Check out this deleted scene from this week’s episode, in which Doug returns to the guys’ apartment to pack his things. But first, he recounts that awkward moment when he kissed Emily … in the middle of her breaking up with him:

Lastly, in “confusing revelatory moments for a 6-year-old” of the day: Any guesses on how Emily explained this to Little Ricki?
(Image courtesy of ABC)

Meghan Carlson

Senior Writer, BuddyTV

Meghan hails from Walla Walla, WA, the proud home of the world’s best sweet onions and Adam West, the original Batman. An avid grammarian and over-analyzer, you can usually find her thinking too hard about plot devices in favorites like The OfficeIt’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, and How I Met Your Mother. In her spare time, Meghan enjoys drawing, shopping, trying to be funny (and often failing), and not understanding the whole Twilight thing. She’s got a BA in English and Studio Art from Whitman College, which makes her a professional arguer, daydreamer, and doodler.