Ding dong, the witch is gone! Angelina’s finally out of the Miami house, which means now everyone can relax and have fun together.
Just kidding. What it means is that now that everyone’s collective scapegoat is gone, they can all focus on the real issues they have with one another. Just like a REAL family!
To kick off their fresh start, Pauly and Mike decide to do a little symbolic cleaning now that Angelina has finally left, and move her bed outside. Getting the bed frame stuck in the doorway inevitably leads to Mike’s personal mantra: “We got a Situation.” I would say, “Will that ever get old?” But it did, months ago.
Now that her bed’s gone, Mike and Pauly have so much extra space in their room to do ACTIVITIES!
Then it’s time for the first annual Let’s Celebrate Angelina’s Gone Lobster Feast. Snooki sees the live lobsters and decides that she wants to be PETA for Halloween, so she steals one of the lobsters and plans to save it by keeping it as a pet in a bowl of tap water in her room.
Snooki: “I think they eat like, insects or something. So I was going to feed them, like, worms?”
The instantly dead lobster joins his dead brethren at dinner, where they have a champagne toast to Angelina’s absence. Everyone is stoked except for Sammi, who now realizes she only has Ron as an ally. So much for one big happy “family.” After dinner the boys toss the ball around in the hot tub, no so homo, while Snooki decides to clear the air, finally, with Sam about the note. AGAIN WITH THE NOTE. I can’t even watch The Notebook anymore because the first part of the title reminds me of THE NOTE. Ugh. Sorry, Ryan Gosling. Hope we can still get married.
Anyway, Snooki and Sammi are making progress (in their own unintelligible preschooler language way) until Jenni crashes their mediation time, and it turns silent. The three of them play with their eyelashes and hair until a merciful commercial break.
When we come back, it’s still twirly-hair awkward time, until Jenni finally apologizes, but it’s a half-assed “I don’t usually do this, but sorry,” and Sammi doesn’t think it’s sincere. (Because it’s not.) Jenni’s not too broken up about it: “I used to beat girls up like that in high school.” Snooki doesn’t really get that the apology didn’t take, and says, “Let’s get pedis done. I’ll bring the vodka.” But even the promise of drunken foot massage doesn’t entice either girl.
Elsewhere, Vinny still hadn’t given up on Ramona, the dancer who stood him up a couple weeks ago. After waiting hours for her to come over (again) and making plans with someone else, Ramona finally shows up, and Vinny has a real Sophie’s Choice on his hands. He chooses the girl who’s been standing him up. And who dresses up her dog like an infant. It pays off: They’re hitting it off, she lets him touch her and promises to come hang out again. Then they SWAK!
Snooki’s friend Ryder, whom we are led to understand is a recovering alcoholic, decides the best place for clean, sober fun is with Snooki on Jersey Shore. Just kidding: Ryder’s already so far OFF the wagon that she’s too drunk to get directions when she calls the night before. But the next day, to everyone (especially her sponsor’s) surprise, Ryder actually shows up. Able to walk. She’s like a taller, blonder Snooki who says things like, “Stop it! You’re going to make me cry! I hate you.” when she greets old friends.
Snooki knows why they’re a match made in the bottom of a toilet bowl: “She’s real, I’m real. She likes to party, I like to party. And pretty much when we’re together it’s just party and be stupid.”
Because Snooki knew you would.
Like Thing 1 and Thing 2, but drunk and sluttier, Snooki and Ryder ravage Miami, drinking everything in their path, even ketchup mixed with ice cream mixed with vodka. (When that doesn’t work, they take a shot and go to the liquor store.)
The one unfortunate thing about Angelina being gone is that now the terrible, annoying aspects of everyone else’s personalities are just that much more apparent. (I mean, they were before, but by comparison, they didn’t seem so bad.)
For example: When Snooki invites Sammi to go out with her, Ryder and Jenni, Sam is so Natalie Imbruglia “Torn” over whether to suffer through hanging out with Jenni or to sit at home and stew in her co-dependency on Ron (GUESS WHAT SHE CHOOSES) that, when Ron gets home, she repeatedly asks him whether she should have gone to the beach with them. AHHHH.
And then, later, on the way to the club:
Sam: I don’t feel like I look nice.
Ron: Shut up.
SUCH A CUTE COUPLE!
Meanwhile, Mike’s really letting his douche flag fly high: First, by picking up Snooki and trying to drag her out of the club. That is basically like spilling water on a Gremlin: THEY DO NOT LIKE IT.
Typical Snooki. Typical having a good time.
The next night, the same thing: Everything is going fist-pumping, booth-humping well, until Situation decides to steal Ramona from Vinny. He’s been striking out left and right (maybe because his method of flirting is is called molestation, and is illegal, and also because he’s “dressed like a religious Chippendale’s dancer”) and Ramona rejects him too. This sends Mike off the rails because, as we know but no one on the show actually addresses, now that he’s so rich and famous, no one is allowed to say no. (As Dennis would say, “Because of the implication.”)
I wear my sunglasses inside because it’s the Sparks Notes version of telling everyone that I am a douche.
So, girlless and wasted and likely pondering if money and fame are all worth it if you have no one to share it with, Mike fumes in the corner of the club as everyone else has fun, and doesn’t even try to flirt. The Situation. Not flirting. THIS IS WEIRD AND I DO NOT LIKE IT. Eventually he gets up and tries to make out with Snooki. THIS IS EVEN WEIRDER. When everyone refuses to leave with him, he slaps Snooki in the mouth, tells her to f*** off and storms away. (GOOD GOING, RAMONA! Look what you started when you rejected this smug, selfish gem of a man.) It seems like maybe Mike’s just black out drunk and acting the fool, but then, later, in the confessional, while sober, just to ensure we know everything he did was the result of actual brain functioning (although I guess that’s debatable) he says this:
“If somebody grabbed my face, I would listen the first time. … I am the daddy of this house. I say what goes. When I say go, we go.”
You heard Daddy! He wouldn’t hit you if you didn’t deserve it!
Seriously, though, and I know I say this often about Jersey Shore, but I mean it this time in a real, existential way: YUCK TO ALL OF THAT.
Only two more weeks. Thank goodness … if we can even remember what goodness is at the end of all this.
(Images courtesy of MTV)