When we last left the macaroni rascals, mid-way through their adventure in Italy and yet to step foot in a cathedral, a museum or any sort of culturally relevant landmark whatsoever, Snooki had just given up on driving … mid-driving … and slammed her MTV’s Fiat into an Italian police car. As the injured officers were led away on stretchers and in neck braces, Snooki expressed her remorse the only way she knew how: “SHUT. UP. Pleeeeease? I don’t want to go there! [To jail.] Pleeeeease!”
So what now? Is Snooki holed up in a grimy Italian prison cell, trading her meatball lovin’ for actual meatballs with a wizened old Italian gypsy named Giuseppina?
… No. While that would be a compelling plot twist, instead, the boys (MTV producers) simply fill out pages and pages of paperwork, and the Snooki is released back into the wild. The upside: She is no longer allowed to drive in Italy.
Back in the sweet, sweet land of freedom, Snooki immediately calls her boyfriend, who is supposed to come visit soon, along with Jenni’s boyfriend Roger. But the rumor is that Roger isn’t coming anymore because he can’t get off work. (“Work?” “What is this … WORK?”) The girls are dismayed and disgusted by this news: “I instantly want to throw up,” says Jenni.
It’s actually really sad. She misses her boyfriend! Jenni starts crying when she calls Roger and confirms that he can’t come visit. “I just wanted to see you,” she says between tears. We’ve never seen her so vulnerable. It’s sweet, but sort of strange and disarming, like seeing a crying rottweiler — it’s less scary than usual, but it’s just not right.
Shakespearean Comedy Plots Gone Wild
The girls and boys split up for the night, and the girls make it “Jenni’s Night!” to make sure she gets her mind off of Roger. Of course that means the night should actually be called: “Jenni Gets Suuuuper Trashed Night!”
Snooki decides to stay home for the evening, and all of a sudden, the doorbell rings. It’s a girl named “Brittany,” whom I do not remember at all, but apparently she is one of The Situation’s random whores. I don’t know why the show expects me to remember them if the guy f*cking them can’t even seem to.
Snooki lets Brittany into the house with a wicked REVENGE plot in mind: She’ll put this random whore in Mike’s bed, because Mike is guaranteed to come home with another random whore. And then his plans to f*ck either of the random whores will be foiled. FOILED, I SAY!
The girls come home before Mike and decide to help Snooki in her prank, which she’s doing to get back at Mike for tellin’ lies about her MAN! The girls tell “Brittany” to get in her boyfriend Mike’s bed and then have sex with her new boyfriend Mike and then in the morning be his future bride and have all his babies forever and ever. At some point, I think before she even showed up, Brittany got juuuuuust drunk enough to believe their lies. but still have motor skills. The perfect amount. She jumps in the bed and passes out.
Mike arrives with the nameless slut he intends to lay this evening, and discovers that ANOTHER slightly-less-nameless slut, BRITTANY, is already there! What Snooki doesn’t realize is that she’s basically hand-delivered Mike an easy lay, so he sends the new girl, an Australian, away. She seems confused but a little relieved. Mike happily settles in with the one who’s “DTF,” because all that ever mattered was the access to the hole, not which specific human it belongs to. I can’t believe I even had to describe that scenario and the various motivations behind it. I feel like the Whores Whisperer.
Jionni’s Here! Hi, Jionni!
Snooki’s boyfriend comes to visit, and her boobs are so excited that they can’t contain themselves! She starts crying when she sees him and they share a long, surprisingly situationally-appropriate hug. “Jionni’s like my world. Jionni’s like Crocadilly, but alive!” That is the grown woman (Snooki) comparing her love for her boyfriend for her love for her favorite stuffed animal. Just so we’re clear.
Jionni can’t even get his suitcase down before Snooki pushes him into the “Smush Room” and gets to the business. (“the business” = “the intercourse”) Mike is all tense, thinking that Jionni “knows” about his sexual past with Snooki and wants to fight him. He shows the other roommates his moves. His KARATE MOVES! Deena just laughs. She knows there’s no use trying to talk sense to him. Mike is a mental six year old. “Alright, Mike. Do your thing, Kungfu Panda,” she says.
So it’s been four seasons, but we’re still learning new things about these Jersey Shore kids! For instance, tonight we learned that when Mike feels threatened, he kicks. Because he feels intensely (unjustifiably) threatened by Jionni, Mike spends the entire evening talking about how if Jionni comes within a foot of him, he will “kick him the head.” At one point he even says in Snooki’s ear, “I don’t want to kick your boyfriend in the head, but…”
… but Mike doesn’t even need to TRY to break up Snooki and Jionni, because they’re doing an efficient enough job of it themselves.
Jionni’s Gone! Bye, Jionni!
Snooki gets drunk on the dancefloor and pulls a simple “hump the bench and show my vagina to the room” dance move, and Jionni gets disgusted and embarrassed and storms out of the club.
Snooki runs after him and freaks out when Jionni won’t slow down and talk to her. He disappears like the White* Rabbit! (*Orange) Jenni screams at Snooki, “You’re acting like a f*cking A**HOLE!” Snooki screams back, “I HATE YOU!” This goes on for many minutes as they clomp around the Italian cobblestone streets looking for her lost boyfriend. I can’t figure out why they started screaming at each other in the first place but it doesn’t really matter, because Snooki is wasted and hysterical and dressed like Hooker Minnie Mouse, so “logic” isn’t really her strong suit right now/ever.
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Ronnie finally catches up with Jionni, and tries to calm him down, bro to bro. He gives the best advice he can: “Talk to her.” Jionni runs away again, and that was the extent of his ability to help anyway (relationships aren’t Ronnie’s strong suit now/ever) so Ronnie gives up and lets him go. The girls comfort Snooki and usher her home while Jenni chases after Jionni again. Snooki cries herself into exhaustion and goes to sleep before Jionni comes home. It appears that he plans to spend the night on a bench.
Jenni comes home, Jionni-less, and everyone feels terrible for Snooki, but no one knows how to help. They decide the best thing to do is to turn the impending fight into a tailgating activity, so the boys make burgers on the grill “and wait for this thing to pop off.”
And pop off it DOES! Jionni comes back to the house and Snooki lets him in. He storms past her and refuses to talk to her. “Get away from me,” he says over and over. Snooki tries to get her message across: “You’re so mean! I hate you! I f*cking love you, you dick! I hate you!” WHY DOESN’T HE UNDERSTAND?
As she watches Snooki and Jionni hold a live performance of human horrors before their eyes, Sammi FINALLY realizes what a traumatic burden she was on all her housemates every time she and Ronnie fought. Sammi’s a visual learner. “Now I get it, I’m sorry!” she says. Whoa … a moment of self-awareness! Cancellation can’t be far off now.
The episode ends on Jionni leaving with his suitcase as Snooki cries under the covers. The housemates decide Jionni is a “wankster.” Sure, Snooki gets publicly slutty when she’s drunk, but he knew that when he met her! You can’t ask a bird not to sing. You can’t ask a star not to shine. You can’t ask a Snooki not to expose her genitals to strangers. “You traveled 21 hours to get here and you left after six because of a fight. What does that say about you?” JWoww says of Jionni. More like JWiseWoman!
Next Week: Jionni comes back, but the roommates don’t think Snooki should give him another shot. Especially Mike, who uses it as an opportunity to profess his love.
(Images courtesy of MTV)