Hello, Bachelorette buddies! Meghan is on a well-deserved vacation this week, so I’m filling in with about half the wit and charm (but all of the enthusiasm!) as Ashley chooses to forego her individual room night after night in Fiji. A little bit about me, I took the Which Bachelorette Are You quiz and I’m totally a Jillian! Did I manipulate my answers to make it that way? MAYBE!

This is a crucial week, when three become four again, then three, then two. Also, the contestants are pretty much contractually obligated to tell the Bachelorette that they are “falling in love” with her. The phrasing is crucial, because you aren’t allowed to admit that you have FALLEN until the final week.

Also, someone is coming back this week! We pretty much know it’s Ryan, but was anyone else kind of hoping it was Ames, who came back because his concussion caused him to forget he was ever eliminated? Or maybe Ames was just in Fiji hanging out with his international friends. But no, Ryan will be hanging out in Fiji with his no friends. And we will delight in his misery.

Ashley describes Fiji as, of course, “the ultimate place to fall in love.” She is ushered by boat to the resort, where she can do some serious thinking/reflecting/reviewing. She likes Ben F because they have a connection, and his dad died. Constantine is attractive (to her) and he tied a piece of floss onto her finger. She also likes Constantine’s family because WHO WOULDN’T! She likes JP because he’s sincere, and jealous, like she was on Brad’s season! She also likes JP because she always sees him after a guy leaves her.

BacheloretteAshleysurprised.jpgSo Ashley opens the door and gasps. It’s Ryan! Not Ames. Ryan, pulling a total Pavelka, is too enthusiastic to be eliminated just once. At first I liked Ryan, but now he is really getting under my skin because of his refusal to accept rejection. He was already such a Jake, I just wish he’d gone full-on Pavelka and shown up in double denim.

Ashley is … underwhelmed. Ryan lays it all on the table for her — he didn’t feel like they got to see things through. Do you know how many people feel that way, Ryan? Then again, Ryan doesn’t have a super good finger on the pulse of what other people are feeling. So he looks at Ashley with the intensity of 1,000 suns, which he has been able to measure and convert to solar energy/intensity, and Ashley nods/looks like she’s going to throw up.


One of the people in this room is REALLY enthusiastic about second chances. The other is more interested in finding good deals on half-shirts (they’re half off!). Ryan gives Ashley his address for a little impromptu fantasy suite action (such a Pavelka move!), and tells her, “no pressure!” So Ryan’s “fight for love” was to fly in, hand Ashley a note, and wait.

Ashley decides she has to “think about it.” So Ryan gets to leave feeling relieved and all good about himself, putting all the pressure on Ashley, who already has enough to think about as she tries to find just ONE top that fits her. But Ashley manages (somehow!) to put Ryan out of her mind as she meets up with the totally cute Ben F. We can just call him Ben now, right?

Ben and Ashley Like Each Other a Yacht

Hey, yacht date! Ben and Ashley re-hash the hometown date where Ben’s mom made Ashley nervous. Ben tells us he found himself again, and ended up finding a girl he cares about in the process. Then Ashley finds a way to mount Ben and rub lotion on him.

ashleymountsben.jpgAshley says she feels like she has known Ben forever, which could make the “F” in Ben F. stand for “Friend Zone,” but their clear anticipation of the Fantasy Suite tells me that’s not the case.

Speaking of the Fantasy Suite, it’s dinner/deep conversation time for Ashley and Ben. There’s discussion of “the next step” (screwing!) and “keeping things moving forward” (into the bedroom!). Ben and Ashley agree that they feel very comfortable around each other and can see themselves together (naked!). So comfortable that you don’t even wear makeup around him anymore, Ashley?

Ashleycouldntbebotheredwithmakeup.jpgGet your face on, girl!

Fantasy Suite dinner conversations are my favorite because they’re trying to be open, and emotional, and deep, but they’re really just waiting for that room key from Chris Harrison.

BenFthinkingaboutF.jpgWant to Ben F?

Ben tells Ashley that he is “available” and open to “the whole ‘I love you’ thing.” That’s close enough! Ben gets the Fantasy Suite Card without hesitation.

“Tell me what you think,” Ashley suggests, handing Ben the card from her pimp, Chris Harrison. Ben thinks it would be “very nice” to continue on. Their Fantasy Suite has a pool to encourage a reenactment of the weirdest sexy, NSFW moment in the film, Showgirls. Ben carries Nomi Malone Ashley toward the bed and that’s a wrap, ladies and gentlemen.

Bach-showgirls.jpgMoving toward the version without the fuzzy, drawn-on bras.

Constantine Shows Some Respect and Rides in a Helicopter

Ashley found another half-shirt to wear!

lookwhatifoundnapkin.jpgLook what I found! … and turned into a top

She greets Constantine, who is a mutated Ben F., or maybe just Ben with an extra dose or two of testosterone. FINALLY, we get a helicopter ride, something this season has been severely lacking so far. Constantine and Ashley make the obligatory comments about how blue the water is.

Then, the best moment of the entire season: Ryan staring stupidly up at the helicopter, alone and impatient:

RyanPReflections2.jpg“Who’s in that helicopter?” Ryan wondered out loud.
“Don’t you have a puzzle to finish?” answered the sea.

“It’s been a few days,” Ryan says sadly. Boo hoo, vacation time in Fiji, I feel so sad for you, Ryan. He should have gotten a good book at the airport.

Ashley and Constantine go to Bouma Falls, to which Constantine rates two “hell yeah”s and a “no way.” They jump into the water together, and no one drowns. If this was a My Girl-style movie, we would discover that Constantine never learned to swim. I was a little scared for a second with that underwater shot.

allergictowater3.jpgOh my god what if he was allergic to water and she didn’t even knowwwwww …

Ashley needs to trim her bangs so that she has them again. Ashley asks Constantine how many houses he looked at before he bought one. He looked at 108 houses, which is not a good sign for their relationship. Ashley is allowed to look at 25 “houses” but Constantine is only to have eyes for the house he was given. Oh, and he told her he wanted a “man cave.” Not sure how that plays into my metaphor, nor do I want to give it too much thought.

Constantine and Ashley meet for their pre-coital dinner. Ashley is feeling like their relationship isn’t progressing like it needs to be, so she’s hoping this dinner can move things forward a month or two. The topic of Constantine being better friends with the other suitors than Ashley comes up again. Constantine would pretty much rather talk about Ben than his relationship with Ashley. Ashley is worried that Constantine is an emotionless monster — the Mr. Hyde to Ben’s Dr. Jekyll.

Constantine tells Ashley that he is moved by holding hands, hugs, even a little girl with the simple gift of a flower … but Constantine doesn’t like FIRE! God that’s so mean. I take it back, Constantine, you seem like a nice guy (well, you do after last week). Constantine pretty much puts it out there: “I’m not feeling it yet.” Then he denies the Fantasy Suite before it is even offered, out of “respect.” He’s Just Not That Into You, Ashley.

conniefullofemotion.jpgSo full of emotion.

Then President Barack Obama interrupted my viewing of The Bachelorette with our nation’s “real problems” like the “debt crisis.” You’re killing me, Barry. I have to know what’s going on with Constantine and Ashley, which I would also consider a national crisis! Is Ryan just going to hang out in that rock forever?!

RyanPReflections4.jpgDon’t leave us hanging Barack/Ashley.

Back at dinner, Constantine said, “well, this means the end of the road for me,” and Ashley thanked him for “being real.” That’s it?! Not even a “thanks for the free meal and helicopter ride”? Ashley didn’t even fling herself into the nearest volcano. Wow, they never really cared, did they? It was just sort of …

Constantine lopes away to his sad, individual room, and Ashley opens the Fantasy Suite card for herself.

Ashleysolofantasy.jpgShould I choose to forego my individual, sh*tty room, I get a big girl bed and a bottle of champagne to myself. Ashley, do you accept this rose?

If he’s going away for sure, why not just sleep in that big bed by yourself? I would. Oh, and I would be crying in it because rejection sucks. At least she can tell Ben and Constantine apart now. Constantine is the one who’s NOT THERE.

Ryan Lucks Out, But Doesn’t Get Lucky

Ashley, feeling “so many emotions,” and “a new found sense of clarity,” decides to put on her yoga shorts and talk to Ryan.

“What a feeling! Today’s the day, I feel it,” Ryan says, cluelessly. Today’s the day to get sent home for a second time, buddy. Ashley goes back to the “Ryan on paper” thing, and says that saying goodbye to Ryan was the hardest goodbye she’s ever had. I’m not sure she thought about that when she said it.

Ryanitsgoingwell.jpgIt’s going well, isn’t it?”

Ashleythinksheisnice.jpgYou’re so … NICE! You brought a book, right?

RyanPsawthisgoingbetter.jpg” . . .
At least I know what that whole ‘girl with the dragon tattoo’ thing is all about!”

Ryan going to Fiji confirmed Ashley’s “Ryan on paper” theory, but the trip was all for naught. Nobody is attracted to a goon/dad. He saw it going much better in his head. He asks Ashley if she thinks he will ever find love, which is very awkward for her, then tells her he’s so happy for her. Oh my god, BYE, RYAN.

RyanPReflections5.jpgForever alone … until the next season of The Bachelor

Please tell me this isn’t his preparation to become the next Bachelor. It would either be the worst thing, or the best (On the Wings of Love Season 2?). All in all, I think Ryan’s blind ambition was the star of tonight’s episode.

Ashley’s JP (Jort Pairings)

So an untimely rejection will send Ashley into the arms of JP yet again. We knew JP was a frontrunner all along, so this early final two isn’t exactly headline news. Ashley, in another not-shirt, tells us this has been “such an emotional roller coaster.” Of all the clothes she has worn and I’ve hated, this is by far the worst yet.

JPjortsandtop.jpgWHAT. IS IT?

Ashley and JP get into a sea plane, and Ashley says it’s going to be “fun and adventuresome.” After an adventuresome ride, they arrive at an adventuresome private island and Ashley takes off that horrid, sheer top (but the adventuresome short-jorts stay on). JP tells Ashley that he’s “ready for the end” (… of the night … when they will have sex). JP (Just Perfect, Jealous Person) is nuts about Ashley. He also decides not to talk about how jealous he is all the time, so Ashley pushes his buttons by telling him about Ryan.

JP isn’t sure he’s going to tell Ashley he’s falling in love with her yet (but you have to, JP!). Maybe hearing that he’s in the final two already will help move things along. But Ashley tells it all wrong, she says that she “said goodbye to two guys this week.” It plays into exactly what JP wanted to hear, but it’s misinformation! JP thought it meant it was only him left, but no, Ryan came back and Pavelka’d the whole thing up. JP thought Bentley came back, and like the rest of us, he probably would have thrown himself into the sea if that was the case.

Ashley tells JP he can’t hold back. “You can’t get to where you need to be if you hold back,” she tells (warns?) him. JP is so in love with Ashley, and I am so in love with JP. We’re just caught in this crazy triangle, the three of us.

JP gets the Fantasy Suite card and is like, “YEAH.” So they go to consummate the episode.

JPandAshleywilldoit.jpgTHANK YOU, CHRIS HARRISON!

Oh, and Ashley totally went to “slip into something more comfortable.” Except she actually slipped into something more comfortable–an oversize shirt like she always wears. But she was pantsless, so there’s that.

riskybusinesstop.jpgRisky Business 2: Even Riskier Business

Ashley Looks at Four Motionless Faces

With all the guys leaving so quickly, Chris Harrison gets more screen time. Ashley tells Chris that if you could write out a perfect guy for her it would be Ben, but there’s something about her and JP on beaches. Yeah. That.

There was nothing going on between her and Constantine, and she feels bad about hurting Ryan twice because “he’s such a great guy,” which I’m sure he hears a lot from girls who don’t like him LIKE THAT.

Chris recommends that Ashley still stare longingly at the remaining headshots, and turn Constantine’s face down. It’s the symbolism of the whole thing. So … that took about two minutes.

Ashleyremembers.jpgJP and Ben. Ben and JP. BP and Jen. Jen P. Yup.

The Least Dramatic Rose Ceremony Ever

Ashley still wants to have a rose ceremony because the guys still have to accept the rose (she’s still afraid of rejection). I blame Constantine. Do you really think they’re not going to accept their roses, Ashley?

After her time-out ordained by Chris Harrison, Ashley meets the guys in her second skating costume of the season. She’ll have to nail the short program to get through to the finale. She explains the rose ceremony to the remaining two, who stare blankly on. This is all just a ridiculous formality, even after that explanation.

The first rose goes to Ben, the second rose goes to JP, who looked jealous and worried even though he was the only one left. They accepted their roses, and Ashley looked thrilled.

Ashleygetspickedback.jpgThe Bachelorette: it really works!

But in the end, there can only be one. Who will it be? The sexy, jealous guy or the goofy, sensitive guy? The Bachelorette always chooses the sexy guy, but she has had so many cute, fun moments with Ben as the credits roll!

I can’t wait for next week when Ashley calls her sister a bitch! Oh, and the men will be telling all and they’re bringing Bentley in AGAIN. Should I start my slow descent into the sea now, or wait until Ashley chooses a man?

(images courtesy of ABC)

Carla Patton

Writer, BuddyTV

Originally from Seattle, Carla recently took a husband and moved to Austin, Texas, where she is finally using her television “problem” to her advantage. It’s sort of like Dexter, but boring and less murdering. Carla’s favorite shows include 30 RockThe Amazing RaceProject RunwayModern Family, anything with murder, and pretty much anything gross and weird (CSIThe BachelorToddlers & Tiaras, etc.). Favorite canceled shows include: Arrested DevelopmentVeronica Mars and Average Joe. In her spare time, Carla leads tours of downtown Austin on a Segway (don’t knock it ’til you’ve tried it!), blogs about Netflix Instant, and visits elementary schools telling children they don’t need math to succeed (just kidding, stay in school, kids).