After two failed seasons, the originator of trashy dating shows is back. So dust off your Viking helmet and giant clock, forget everything you ever learned about spelling, and don’t forget to drop a deuce on the staircase. It’s Flavor of Love 3, BOYYYYYYYEEEEEEE!
Flavor Flav rolls up in a limo, accompanied by “Hail to the Chief.” Something tells me if this was Barack Obama, the group of women would be considerably classier, and considerably more excited. Flavor Flav gives a quick recap of his TV dating history, and says romance is like baseball. Brigitte Nielsen was strike one, Hoopz was strike two, Deelishis was strike three, and if he gets anymore strikes, he’s out. Say what you will about our current president, but at least he knows how many strikes you get in a game of baseball.
Flavor Flav stands at a presidential podium to continue this horrible metaphor and says this is the last time. He lets the ladies go inside, and they stampede like a pack of bulls. Flav’s bodyguard, Big Rick, lines the girls up to get their nicknames. But there’s a twist, as Flav is letting the girls pick their own nicknames.
Sinceer is earnest about being here. Bunz is bootylicious. That’s where the self-naming ends. A white chick wants to be called Vanilla, but she’s Ice. We also meet Bee-Ex, Seezinz, and El. I really hate this show, because it’s absolutely impossible to Spell Check. A girl wants to be called Vixen, but Flav prefers another reindeer, so she’s Prancer. At least it’s spelled properly.
Tik is an absurd looking woman, the very definition of pear-shaped. An overly confident woman wants to be called Windy City, but Flav calls her Shy. If that’s somehow related to Chi-Town, it’s amazing. Then we see the twins, and Flav goes insane. He names them after his favorite literary characters, Thing 1 and Thing 2 from The Cat in the Hat. I suspect that’s not just his favorite book, but the only one he’s ever read.
Then there’s a string of girls who actually do choose their own names: Q-Tee, St. Lewis and Hotlanata. A woman who makes good fried chicken is Grayvee. Seriously, now he’s just doing this name thing to tick me off. From the Internet, we meet Rayna, Dymz, and the single dumbest chick I’ve ever seen, Shore-Tee. Then there’s my new ironic favorite, Peechee. She’s a big-boned white girl who looks like she belongs in the suburbs driving her kids to soccer practice in a minivan. It’s absurd to see her here. Finally, we run through the dull Savanna and Myammee.
Now it’s time for a mixer so Flavor Flav can get to know all the girls. Shy continues to be forward and takes him away first. She’s oozing with desperation. Looking at Flav, he is a truly ugly dude. Ice is a radio personality in Detroit, so she’s clearly using this for her own fame. Dymz is from Miami and studies in Atlanta, which is confusing because there are girls from there with those names. She’s also studying criminal justice, which scares the ex-criminal in Flavor Flav. Sitting between Thing 1 and 2 is like FM stereo for Flav: “For Me Stereo.” I’d bet my entire month’s paycheck that Flavor Flav has no idea what FM actually stands for, and that if he does, he couldn’t spell either word correctly.
Bunz will try anything once in the bedroom. She likes women, toys and has a big porn collection. This leaves Tik on the side. The girls are congregating, and Shy is going insane trying to intimidate everyone. Rayna touches Flav’s face, which is apparently a huge no-no. Rayna pretends to know a lot about Flavor Flav, but when he asks her what the giant clock means, she B.S.s a lot about it being time for black people to rise up, but it’s actually just about the importance of time.
Grayvee and Sinceer battle over whether or not Flavor Flav loves fried chicken. He does. The subtext of this fight is, “Whose name is spelled wronger?” Next he sits between Savanna and Peechee, two big girls. Peechee talks like a baby in a high-pitched voice, and it’s kind of creepy. Prancer’s one-on-one time is interrupted by Seezinz, who shows Flav a photo of her imprisoned brother. Before the elimination, Shy goes to talk bad about Bee-Ex not wanting kids, but then Bee-Ex says she already has two kids.
Flavor of Love 3 Elimination Time! Five girls are going home right away. At one point, Hotlanta says she’s certain the next clock is hers based on the way Flav looks at her. She comes down, and it actually is hers. Flav thinks she might be “psychotic.” For him, that’s close enough. The last clock goes to Thing 2, but then he lets Thing 1 stick around as well. I guess dating is now a team sport.
Going home are Q-Tee and Shore-Tee, so “Tee” is a terrible suffix. Dymz and Savanna are dull, and Peechee goes because she knows it’s God’s plan. All of them except Q-Tee are from the Internet, and Flavor Flav yells at the voters at home for sending him awful girls.
This season on Flavor of Love 3: it’s the same preview we saw before, with tigers, Paris, Arsenio Hall, cursing on the radio, a date at the Kentucky Derby, pirates, a girl who looks like a Klingon, a wedding, a funeral, Flav’s inability to feel his nuts, and countless other insanities. May God have mercy on my soul for having to watch this.
-John Kubicek, BuddyTV Senior Writer
(Image courtesy of VH!)