Last week on Farmer Wants a Wife, the girls had a bake-off that led to plenty of crass, if subtle, innuendo involving pies.  One person who decided not to keep the innuendo on the down low was Ashley, who came right out and asked Farmer Matt if he’d like to sleep with her.  This chardonnay-induced inquiry made things extremely awkward when they shared a private date later, but Ashley tried her best to explain away her dirty comment.  Though Ashley dropped an inappropriate F-bomb, it was Lisa who was chosen to pack her bags and head back to the city.  After all, a farmer’s wife isn’t meant to be a standoffish, hypocritical stalker.

On tonight’s episode, the girls put on a talent show for the local townsfolk, and Ashley puts Matt on the spot yet again.

I have to give many thanks to BuddyTV reader EllenBrwn2, who informed me that the infamous Farmer Wants a Wife theme song was actually composed by a group named Font 48.  Apparently they’re a music producing service that creates music for a variety of television programs.  Needless to say, I found this reveal to be quite disappointing.  I had hoped that the song was written by some young, aspiring artiste — perhaps an adolescent Queen Latifah, prior to the Oscar nomination and ill-advised starring vehicle with Jimmy Fallon.  I imagined little Queentini struggling and hungry, digging into her soul and expressing her inner turmoil by crafting a rap about a matrimony obsessed farmer.  Wouldn’t that make for a great story?  Instead, the FWAW theme is merely a soulless corporate product.  I’m crushed and disillusioned, but I’ll move on.

The episode kicks off with music that wishes it was Madonna’s “Don’t Tell Me,” but it’s more like a cheap Font 48 knock-off.  Ashley is upset that she seems to have nothing in common with Matt, which is apparent after their private date together.  She cheers up when some local ladies stop by to give everyone manicures, pedicures, and new hairdos. Unfortunately for the girls, the nice Midwestern ladies all have big, scary bouffants.  Everyone is going to look like a 1986 version of Dolly Parton by the time this is over.

Farmer Matt drops by and tells the final five that they’re going to show off their skills in a local talent show.  He’s even brought some supplies along with him, including a flute, a hula hoop, and a frightening dress made of gold sequins.  Exactly what talent is required to wear that?  Shamelessness?  Ashley says she would rather bake her head in an oven than twirl a baton, and I can’t say I blame her.

It’s time for the girls to practice their talents.  Amanda is going to sing, Brooke plans to line dance, and Kanisha wants to hula hoop.  She also wants to put together a big sing along finale for all five girls, but no one can agree on an appropriate song.  Kanisha leaves in a huff the instant a riff on “Old McDonald” is suggested, claiming that she’s not going to participate in the finale.  Maybe they should all sing the FWAW theme song to cap off the show.  That certainly doesn’t require much talent.

The ladies head to the show and prepare to either delight or horrify the townsfolk.  Ashley, who I have to admit I kind of love, is terrified because she has no talent.  The show begins with Christa doing an ungodly rendition of “Take Me Out to the Ballgame.”  She does it in the voice of a precocious 8-year-old kid who has smoked too many cigars, but somehow Matt finds it impressive.  Whatever.

Ashley is the next to hop on stage, and she decides to torment us with a comedy routine.  Her first joke is, “A guy walks into a bar.  Ouch!”  Oh, heaven help me.  She then switches from comedy to magic, making a few girls suddenly appear on stage.  After that atrocity is finished, Kanisha grabs the spotlight and does a decent hula hooping act.  Amanda follows her by performing the National Anthem, and while she’s no David Archuleta she does it quite well.  Brooke is the last person to display her talent.  She teaches everyone the Electric Slide, which takes me right back to sixth grade.  That’s not necessarily a good thing.

After the “Old McDonald” inspired sing along finale, which Kanisha participates in, the townsfolk vote on who should win immunity this week.  They decide Brooke should survive the episode due to her mad line dancing skills.  I have a feeling this may have been the first time Matt’s tiny town witnessed the Electric Slide.

The next day, Matt shows up in a big yellow school bus and gives Brooke some swanky cowboy boots.  After suggesting that they spend the afternoon at a hog roast, which I guess is Missouri’s version of a barbecue, he takes everyone to the dead pig party.  Ashley, who doesn’t like her dinner to have a face, finds the roasting hog disgusting.  Is she cut out to be the farmer’s wife?

After the sun sets and the s’mores are cooking, Christa gets all flirty with Matt.  She uses the excuse that he has something on his lip and moves in for a quick kiss.  A game of truth or dare breaks out later, which allows Ashley to ask Matt if she’s going home tomorrow.  Isn’t she shockingly blunt and kind of fabulous? Matt tells her that he’s thinking of two people to eliminate tomorrow, and sadly she’s one of them.

Matt stops by the house in the morning with a big surprise for the contestants: they get to give some slutty cows pregnancy tests!  Since peeing on a stick isn’t an option, the ladies have to slap on some gloves and shove their arms up the rectums of the animals.  Whichever girl doesn’t have a pregnant cow has to go home tonight.  This is officially the worst elimination ceremony ever.  There is no farmer in the world that is worth this, let me tell you.

While Brooke watches and laughs from the sidelines, Kanisha, Christa and Amanda discover that their cows are pregnant.  Ashley’s isn’t, which means she’s headed back to the city.  Oh well, she seemed too hilariously bitchy for this show anyway.

Since Brooke is the only girl who hasn’t had a one on one date with Matt, she gets her chance tonight.  He takes her out on the lake, and they share a drink while they chat about their lives.  Matt wants to know why she hasn’t been affectionate toward him, which is a tricky move to convince her to kiss him.  Matt plays like he’s all nice and innocent, but deep down I think he’s a man-whore.

As the episode comes to an end, Brooke goes back to the house and tells the girls about her connection with Matt.  Kanisha, Christa and Amanda promptly vow to destroy her before she can steal the farmer’s heart.

– Don Williams, BuddyTV Staff Writer
(Image courtesy of the CW)


Staff Writer, BuddyTV