Last week on Farmer Wants a Wife, we learned that stalking a hunky bachelor isn’t enough of a crime to get someone kicked off the show.  Brooke and Lisa, who previously showed up on Matt’s doorstep in the dead of night after finding his address on a discarded magazine label, managed to survive the elimination round.  While stalking may be acceptable in the state of Missouri, it’s apparently illegal to be antisocial and unexcited about square dancing.  Farmer Matt decided to eliminate Stacey after getting the impression that she wasn’t enjoying his down home country gatherings.

Tonight, Matt plays a drinking game with the girls that quickly turns crass, and the contestants battle each other in a bake-off.

My epic, Tolkienesque quest to discover which time traveling girl group sings the Farmer Wants a Wife theme song continues.  Last week a helpful reader suggested that Boyzone’s Ronan Keating wrote the ditty, but Mr. Keating could never write lyrics this insipid:

Now gather round and lend your ear
I got a tale of a man I want you to hear
His lamb and cattle and chickens abound
But this good ol’ boy ain’t got no lady around!

Rhymes like that are obviously the product of someone who huffed too much paint in high school.  My current theory is that the long lost sister of DJ Jazzy Jeff wrote the song for 1988’s brilliantly titled Salt-n-Pepa album “A Salt With a Deadly Pepa.”  After Spinderella decided that the target audience for the album wouldn’t appreciate a rap about a farm boy, the track was left on the cutting room floor until some crafty CW exec stumbled upon it 20 years later.  That sounds plausible enough to me.

As the episode begins, Brooke and Lisa are renewing their subscriptions to Hypocrites Monthly by having their morning Bible study.  The other ladies don’t see the dynamic duo as a threat, but they do worry that Kanisha might steal that hot butterfaced love.

The contestants get another glimpse at the realities of farm life when Matt asks them to shear a sheep.  Most of the girls dive right into the task and impress the farmer with their attitudes.  Will they be able to wow him with their culinary skills as well?  Their next task involves baking pies with a lady who looks like Elizabeth Taylor after one too many gin martinis.  The girl with the most impressive pie — not a euphemism, by the way — will win immunity for the week.  Let the bake-off begin!

Kanisha is incapable of following directions, which means that her pie will probably turn out less than stellar.  Amanda, who often has her own Iron Chef competitions, does well, but Brooke and Lisa continuously screw things up.  With the pies in the oven, the ladies go back to the house and start getting wasted on wine.  That’s when Ashley asks the immortal question, “Wouldn’t it be awesome if wine came out of breasts?”  Awesome indeed!

Farmer Matt shows up and immediately gets pulled into a revealing drinking game.  It’s like truth or dare without the dares, which is kind of boring until Ashley decides to make things crass by dropping the F-bomb.  Apparently it’s not a good idea to get sloshed on wine and ask the innocent Missouri boy if he’d like to F-bomb you.  Matt feels awkward, takes off, and the odds for Ashley going home tonight quadruple.

The next day, the contestants go to the local fair with Matt.  There are clowns, games, rides, and most importantly, pies!  It’s time for the judges to try each pie and decide who should win immunity for the week. There are a thousand references here to “tasting her pie” that my inner Michael Scott wants to make jokes about, but because I’m not drunk on wine I’ll skip the opportunity.  After carefully judging each pie on taste and presentation, Amanda is deemed the winner.

With the stress from the bake-off in the past, the contestants have a chance to meet some of Matt’s family members.  The girls go out of their way to make a good impression, but Lisa seems distant.  Afterwards, Matt volunteers to be the main attraction in a kissing booth, which is so exciting for Kanisha that she mentally teleports elsewhere for a minute.  Brooke, on the other hand, only kisses Matt on the cheek, making him suspicious.

It’s elimination time!  There’s no bingo, moonshine, chickens, or knitting this week.  Instead, the unlucky contestant’s name explodes in a giant display of lights in front of everyone at the fair.  The person going back to the city tonight is. . .Lisa.  Matt thinks she’s a wonderful girl, but she’s not farmer’s wife material.  Also, she’s a creepy stalker.

Matt may have been attracted to that dropping of the F-bomb earlier, because he asks Ashley to go on a private date with him the next night.  He shows up in a giant car with flowers and baking supplies, then whisks her away to a restaurant run by martini swilling Liz Taylor.  He confronts her about the F-bomb that shook up the world, and Ashley explains that she was simply drunk and frustrated.  The rest of the date doesn’t go so well, as Matt and Ashley don’t seem to have much in common.

While Ashley atones for her sins, the girls at the house play a game of toss the egg.  I guess there’s really not much to do in Missouri.  When the egg cracks on the floor they talk Christa into licking it up, which is extremely gross.  As the episode comes to an end, Ashley returns home and lets everyone know that the date wasn’t as wonderful and romantic as she planned.  Who knew one little F-bomb could cause so much trouble?

– Don Williams, BuddyTV Staff Writer
(Image courtesy of the CW)


Staff Writer, BuddyTV