If you want proof that Law and Order: SVU has officially run out of good ideas, you only need to watch last night’s episode, “Bully.” It was the silliest, most ridiculous episode ever, centering on the death of a woman working for a wine company.
The hour included a totally pointless cameo by Real Housewives of New York City star Countess LuAnn de Lesseps , a leather purse dealer who harassed people to improve his search engine optimization on Google, a new and very disturbing way to get drunk, and special guest star Kate Burton (aka Meredith’s mom on Grey’s Anatomy) as the boss from Hell.
Here are the five things that made this episode of Law and Order: SVU the most absurdly ridiculous and wonderfully crazy thing on TV this year.
In a virtually nonexistent cameo, LuAnn de Lesseps showed up as an art patron who sang the praises of a particular work only to learn that is was just a canvas dripping with real blood. Then she reappeared as an artist’s nude model with sheets carefully covering the naughty bits. And then she was gone, never to be heard from again. Money can’t buy you class, but it can certainly buy you a TV role.
The SEO Bully
The case briefly pointed to a leather handbag distributor who made a habit out of harassing his former buyers for the sole purpose of making them so angry that they’d go online and write a negative review of his company. Why? Because by writing about him, they would increase his Google ranking, giving his site more visibility so more people would visit it. It’s a hilariously modern strategy, and one I plan to implement, so beware because a BuddyTV.com employee may soon be leaving bags of flaming dog poop on your porch just so you’ll write bad things about our site.
Kate Burton as the Boss from Hell
In the episode, the wine company seemed more like a cult compound full of happy employees who have no problems. Except then we see a hidden video of what really goes on, and the boss screams at all of her employees, hurls vicious insults at them, and even slaps a few of them. There’s nothing more absurd than seeing an older, professional woman in a pantsuit slapping the crap out of some crying girl.
The Boss Apologizes
After NBC got in some gratuitous cross-promotion when the videos were leaked onto MSNBC’s Morning Joe, Burton’s psychotic boss held a press conference where she agreed to apologize. But instead, she used it as a chance to insult all the people who abandoned her, fire all her employees for betraying her and blame the cops for ruining her life. Then she took out a gun and killed herself. By my count, that was the 47th ridiculous plot twist of the episode.
How to Get Drunk Without Drinking
In the end, we found out that the victim only appeared drunk, but there was no alcohol in her stomach. That’s because the killer used an old trick to make it look like she was drinking: He shoved a champagne bottle up her rear end and got her drunk through the backdoor. No, seriously, the entire case came down to the fact that you can get drunker faster and without the booze breath by ingesting it rectally. This naturally led to the son of an opera singer, because the detectives knew that to save their voices, opera singers would often use the backdoor to get drunk.
Before watching this episode, I’d never even heard of this. But the show has opened up new avenues of alcoholism, which also include soaking a tampon in vodka before insertion. I swear to God, all of this stuff was in the episode: a Real Housewife, the Google Rank Bully, the Slap-Happy Boss and getting drunk through your pooper.
After watching it I think I need to call Benson and Stabler to report Law and Order: SVU for raping my mind.
(Image courtesy of NBC)