The powers-that-be at ABC were smart/cruel enough to include a brief questionnaire with each of the 30 Bachelor contestants’ information when they released their identities this week, and boy oh boy, is the information enlightening! And entertaining. Enlightertaining, I think is the word. Yes that’s totally the word that I am thinking of because of how it exists.

And no, they did not ask the women about their political affiliations, or their thoughts about how the public school system is failing our youth, or whether they have any history of sex changes. Weird, I know! Instead they asked them what they would take on a desert island, what their most embarrassing dating moments were, and how they feel about “romance.” (“Just the essentials, ma’am. Just the essentials.”)

Here are all the surveys (plus photos of all the ladiezzzz) if you’re a “qualitative data” sort of Bachelor research analyst. But I took the liberty of sending the data back to the lab, and thought it my duty to present my findings to the group. I think you, my Bachelor colleagues, will find them highly enlightertaining:

(All numbers are out of 30, the total number of women who will attempt to claw and scratch their ways into Brad Womack’s heart beginning January 3.)

Number of women who, upon being deserted on an island, would bring Diet Coke: 2
Number who would bring their phone or iPod: 10
Number who would bring sunscreen (to avoid wrinkles!): 5
Number who would bring tweezers and face cream with her iPod: 1
Number who would bring fresh water: 1

Total number of tattoos: 27
Number of tattoos in “private areas”: 5
Number of shamrock tattoos in “private areas”: 2

Number who own tiny dogs: 5
Number who own pet rabbits named Norbert: 1

Number of women who list the Twilight series as their favorite book: 2
Number who list Eat, Pray, Love as their favorite book: 2

Number of women who list “manscaper” as their “occupation”: 1
Number of models: 2
Number of models with vampire fang implants: 1
Number of implants: ? (TBD)

Number of women who list their sister as the person they admire most: 2

Number of women who, when asked where they see themselves in five years, said “barefoot, pregnant and in the kitchen!”: 1

Number of women who phonetically spell out the sound of their farts as “Blurrrr”: 1

Number of women who said her “worst date memory” was a double date with her parents: 1

Number of women who are 10+ years younger than Brad Womack (38): 25
Number of women who are 6+ years younger than Brad Womack: 30
Number of women who are the same age as Brad Womack or older: 0

Number of women who believe they are able to find true love on a reality show: 30

You were right all along, nerds: Science CAN be fun sometimes!

While you’re here: You heard Brad say how in love and happy he is, right? If you didn’t, here’s the interview.

Meghan Carlson

Senior Writer, BuddyTV

Meghan hails from Walla Walla, WA, the proud home of the world’s best sweet onions and Adam West, the original Batman. An avid grammarian and over-analyzer, you can usually find her thinking too hard about plot devices in favorites like The OfficeIt’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, and How I Met Your Mother. In her spare time, Meghan enjoys drawing, shopping, trying to be funny (and often failing), and not understanding the whole Twilight thing. She’s got a BA in English and Studio Art from Whitman College, which makes her a professional arguer, daydreamer, and doodler.