For Bachelorette and Bachelor Pad fans, this is some random, absurd, rather hilarious news. For everyone else, just thank your stars you don’t know what I’m talking about and kindly move along. OK, here we go:

According to E! Online, former Bachelorette contestant Jonathan “The Weatherman” Novack is joining Skating with the Stars on Monday, apparently as an “understudy” for food poisoned Disney star Brandon Mychal Smith.

Now, I don’t watch Skating with the Stars, but I noticed three major things wrong with that sentence I just wrote. First, “The Weatherman” is not a “star.” He is a celestial sidedish, at best. And I mean the kind of sidedish that people only eat when there’s nothing else to eat or because it’s comical. Like those weird mini corncobs. (And yes: Whether any of the other “stars” on this show qualify for that title is very debatable.) Second, Skating with the Stars has its FINALE next week, and it’s a competition show. You can’t just jump into the 100-meter dash at the last 10 meters, cross the finish line with everyone else and pretend you have any entitlement to a rank, a prize or even some measly recognition. That’s cheating! And third, “UNDERSTUDY”? Don’t make me laugh, Skating with the Stars. You are not Broadway. Good grief, it’s like even YOU don’t think of yourself as a real TV show.

And listen, Skating with the Stars. I’m guessing you’re trying to appeal to people like me with this casting, because I loved “The Weatherman” on The Bachelorette. Openly loved him. But that was a specific case, in which his talents (or lack thereof) were perfectly suited for that schadenfreude-ridden spectacle of a show. That doesn’t mean I want to watch him iceskate! Or watch him do anything besides cluelessly fight for some lady-love. But if I had to choose, here are 5 things I would RATHER watch “The Weatherman” do than go Skating with the Stars:

1. Actually just do the local weather forecast like a normal human being cheesy weatherman. That was his original job, for which he was well-suited.

2. Do fake weather forecasts featuring a MILLION weather puns with that girl from Boy Meets World.

3. Run a kissing booth. (Haha, remember? How when he tried to kiss Ali he cried? Oh, “The Weatherman.”)

4. Just make weird faces and say dumb stuff on The Bachelorette some more. It worked for a reason, and it could work again. He helped make this episode of The Bachelorette the best episode of The Bachelorette ever. Like when he said his heart felt like “BEEHIVE FULL OF KNIVES.” That was good stuff, ABC! If Brad Womack got a second chance on The Bachelor, why not The Weatherman on The Bachelorette again?

5. Do his standup comedy. And it’s … I mean, err … I don’t know how to put this, but … It’s not so good. I’m proud of him for trying, but I think we all know that The Weatherman is funniest when he is not trying to be funny. (Language NSFW, Lack of laughs NSF-Soul.)

If you’re reading this “The Weatherman,” I still love you. It’s just that, when it comes to ice, you should get back to breaking it (with the ladiezzzz) or reporting it. Not skating on it. You’re skating on THIN it with me, if you get my drift.

(Image courtesy of ABC)

Meghan Carlson

Senior Writer, BuddyTV

Meghan hails from Walla Walla, WA, the proud home of the world’s best sweet onions and Adam West, the original Batman. An avid grammarian and over-analyzer, you can usually find her thinking too hard about plot devices in favorites like The OfficeIt’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, and How I Met Your Mother. In her spare time, Meghan enjoys drawing, shopping, trying to be funny (and often failing), and not understanding the whole Twilight thing. She’s got a BA in English and Studio Art from Whitman College, which makes her a professional arguer, daydreamer, and doodler.