Summer may have officially started a while ago, but for me, the summer doesn’t start until the Big Brother live feeds do. This is the ultimate summer show, a massive time vacuum that sucks me in every year. Will I hate anyone as much as Ronnie or Chima? Will I fall in love like I did with Dan, Dr. Will, Janelle or Jeff? At what point will an alliance form and display a shocking lack of self-awareness in their mockery of others?

All these questions and more are about to get answered thanks to the return of the Chen-tastic Miss Julie, 13 houseguests and a whole lot of cameras. Oh Big Brother, how I’ve missed you.

The introductions provide snapshots of the caricature versions of all the HGs. Hayden is a massive tool in the biggest sense of the word. Lane admits to being an idiot, Ragan is super gay, Andrew is a super Jew, Enzo is totally Jersey, Mayy rubs me the wrong way, thinking he’s some kind of genius, Brendon is pretty darn hot, Rachel has big boobs, Britney is a small town girl, Kathy’s a cop, Kristen is kind of dull, Monet is a diva and Annie is a bisexual. That’s the Cliff’s Notes version of the HGs.

During the introductions, the “smart”chemist Rachel claims that Andrew is wearing a “Yom Kippur.” Close, but no cigar. Britney instantly loves Ragan because from the minute he opens his mouth, she knows he’s a flaming homosexual and she wants to talk about boys and Sex and the City. That actually makes me kind of love her.

Also, by my count, half the HGs lie about their real professions in order to fool the others into thinking they’re dumber than they really are. However, I’m already thinking that not one of them is as smart as they think they are. Case in point: Jews don’t wear Yom Kippurs.

The great and powerful J.C. reveals to the HGs that one of them is a Saboteur. It seems odd that they’d reveal the twist to everyone, unless there’s an extra twist. Julie adds that if the Saboteur survives to week 5 (ie, make the jury), they’ll win $50,000. Paranoia immediately sets in. My first suspect, Ragan, seems to protest a little too much. Then again, everyone seems suspicious.

Part of me hopes that either everyone is the Saboteur or no one is. That would be an awesome mind game if Julie tells them all there’s a Saboteur when there really isn’t. If there’s one thing Big Brother needs, it’s more lies.

Chenny from the Block returns for the first Head of Household competition. They divide into two teams of six, with Andrew left out as the voluntary mascot who is ineligible to win HoH. The mascot gets to wear a hot dog suit. On the bright side, Andrew has immunity from the first eviction. He’s either very lucky, or very Saboteur-ish.

The teams must cross a grill on a hot dog and the first person across gets $10,000, then $1,000 and so on. The last person across on the winning team wins HoH. Things get harder when the hot dogs are greased with ketchup and mustard.

Yellow Team Order: Annie, Ragan, Brendon

Red Team Order: Monet, Lane, Kristen

During the competition, Britney falls off and sprains her knee. I can see the headlines right now: Girl Injured While Riding Slippery Wiener. A medic stops the gameand she can’t compete. Therefore, to keep it fair, the yellow team gets to pick one of the red team members already across to go back. They choose Kristen. Game resumes!

Second half:

Red Team Order: Kristen, Matt, Hayden

Hayden is the first HoH!

Ugh, it’s always the douchiest guy who wins the first HoH. Kathy is the big failure which raises suspicions that she’s the Saboteur.

Inside the lights go out and Enzo is suspicious that the Saboteur is at work. Does he think the Saboteur has total power? Brendon “leaves” to get his toothbrush and Andrew leaves to pull a prank. When the lights come on, the creepy Saboteur voice on the TV reveals that a padlock was placed on the storage room door, meaning there’s no food and everyone is on slop.

Obviously Brendon and Andrew, the two guys who we saw move around, are the prime suspects. However, it’s entirely possible that Big Brother sent someone in to do it during the blackout.

Likeliest Saboteur of the Episode

There’s no way Big Brother would let the Saboteur be evicted in week 1, so if Andrew knew that the mascot would win immunity, it explains why he was so eager not to compete for HoH. Combined with him leaving during the blackout and all signs point to him, which means he’s definitely NOT the Saboteur. Who do you think is the Saboteur?

Spoiler: Who Did Hayden Nominate?>>

(Image courtesy of CBS)

John Kubicek

Senior Writer, BuddyTV

John watches nearly every show on TV, but he specializes in sci-fi/fantasy like The Vampire DiariesSupernatural and True Blood. However, he can also be found writing about everything from Survivor and Glee to One Tree Hill and Smallville.