The first week in the Big Brother 11 house was like a race to see who could play the worst game. Ronnie jumped out to a huge lead when he tried playing both sides, which was ruined by his total inability to lie convincingly.
The Jock Alliance of Jessie, Russell and Natalie ran a close second by falling for a classic blunder. Right below never betting against a Sicilian when death is on the line is blindly trusting what a tattooed masseuse tells you. Lydia was the primary target until she gave Jessie a massage and pointed at Braden. Somehow that worked, mostly because Jessie and Russell are as dumb as a dog that chases the beam from a flashlight.
So thanks to the easy manipulation of idiots, Braden us being targeted simply for being a good guy. Well, a good guy who uses racist slurs.
The Chenmeister reads her lines off the cue cards as naturally as Laura’s chesticles, and she’s drinking this high school Kool-Aid. The only reason this seems like high school is because the Big Brother producers are trying as hard as they can to push this square peg through a circular hole.
Russell’s thought process is that Braden is the leader of the side alliance with Jordan and Jeff. Wow, and I bet he thought George W. Bush was really the brains behind his administration and Dick Cheney and Karl Rove were his underlings.
Since riling up Jeff didn’t work, Russell decides to keep up that strategy by poking and prodding Braden into a meltdown. Luckily Russell found an intellectual equal in Braden, as steroids and pot have probably destroyed both of their brains. It upsets me that Russell is getting what he wants, but Braden calls Lydia a skank, and her gay BFF Kevin throws down, because apparently you’re not allowed to call his hag a skank.
What follows is a scene so bleeped and edited that it’s impossible to tell what really happened by watching, but those following online know that Braden used derogatory Mexican slurs while telling Kevin to go back to his side of the border. The fact that Kevin is black and Japanese and not Mexican at all is moot to Braden, I guess.
After the fight, Lydia decides to attack Jordan for absolutely no good reason. Lydia is furious that Jordan didn’t cry when Lydia was nominated, and Lydia is also angry that Jordan isn’t more upset over the theoretical fact that she could’ve been nominated.
Jordan starts yelling, and she’s 100 percent right, and then Kevin claims that if Jordan is still friends with Braden, it means she agrees with him. This is the dumbest logic ever, and somehow Jeff and Jordan are made to look like the villains even though they’re right and Lydia and Kevin are taking crazy pills.
To defend herself, Jordan plots a strategy to keep Braden in the house by getting Ronnie, Michele and Casey to join her, Laura and Jeff. They talk to Ronnie and I finally figured something out. Ronnie is the spitting image of chef and molecular gastronomist Wylie Dufresne! Check out the proof. That’s been bugging me for about two weeks now.
It’s time for the best and most awkward thing ever, with the Chenster chatting with the HGs. Russell acts like his idiotic blow-ups are him being real and not actively trying to stir up trouble. Jeff has nothing to say, which proves he wants Russell evicted as soon as possible.
Julie and Jessie have a private talk, and Jessie starts off by laughing at what I think was a joke he made, but it really wasn’t. Julie asks who the brains of the Jock Alliance is, and you can tell Chenny is cackling on the inside at the absurdity of her question.
Big Brother 11 Week 1 Eviction Vote:
Holy crap, Chima uses her final speech to call Braden out for his racist and sexist remarks by repeating them, though they’re bleeped out. She says anyone who votes to keep Braden is a racist and that George Bush doesn’t care about black people. She doesn’t actually say that last part, but that’s how awesome it is. For the first time in Big Brother history, a nominee’s speech is actually interesting.
Russell votes to evict…BRADEN.
Natalie votes to evict…BRADEN.
Jeff votes to evict…CHIMA.
Jordan votes to evict…CHIMA.
Kevin votes to evict…BRADEN.
Laura votes to evict…CHIMA.
Lydia votes to evict…BRADEN.
Michele votes to evict…CHIMA.
Casey votes to evict…CHIMA.
Ronnie votes to evict…BRADEN.
BRADEN IS EVICTED!
Wow, Ronnie prefaces it by saying he’s going to Hell, which means this is probably a twist. It’s a tie, so Jessie gets the final decision. As expected, Jessie sends Braden packing.
Dangit, screw you Ronnie! Screw you so hard!
Outside, Julie and Braden have a fun talk and he’s “discombobulated.” He’s also not surprised at all to find out that weasel Ronnie was his Judas. To his credit, Braden is super chillax about the whole thing.
It’s the typical “Who did America vote for?” trivia. Each answer will be one of the cliques. If you’re right, you send someone out. If you’re wrong, you’re out.
Laura eliminates Chima.
Jeff eliminates Kevin.
Laura eliminates Russell.
Casey eliminates Natalie.
Laura eliminates herself.
Casey eliminates Jeff.
Lydia eliminates Jordan.
Ronnie eliminates Casey.
Michele eliminates Lydia.
Ronnie eliminates Michele.
NOOOOOOOO!!!!!! RONNIE IS THE NEW HOH!. THERE IS NO GOD!!!!
My best friend is fond of the old saying, “I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.” Right now I’ll take either one to spare me having to see Ronnie’s reign as HoH.
On the bright side, last season’s winner and all-around awesome dude Dan will be coming back Sunday. Maybe I’ll schedule that frontal lobotomy for Monday.