It’s time to start another insufferable week of Big Brother 11. Don’t get me wrong, I still love this show and it’s the best guilty pleasure of the summer for me, but for the third straight week, an HG I absolutely HATE is the HoH, which means the people I actually like will be targeted once again. I really hope one of my people like Jeff, Casey or Michele win HoH next week, because I’d like to go into this show feeling good instead of dreading the worst.
Of course there is a glimmer of hope, as Laura’s final days in the Big Brother house were spent successfully exposing Ronnie for the lying liar he is, which essentially turned everyone against him. The only problem is that the king and queen of the “Ronnie Isn’t Such a Bad Guy” club, Jessie and Natalie, are back in power. Jessie may be HoH, but Natalie is his Lady MacBeth.
The Ken Burns documentary known as the “Previously on” package starts before Ronnie even won HoH and ends with Ronnie crying “I miss my wife.” Oh how the mighty have fallen.
After winning HoH, Jessie continues to redefine the word “narcissism” by admiring how great and wonderful and smart he is. Casey and Kevin fear that they now have co-HoHs again because of Natalie. That girl is quietly running this house by controlling the big dumb jocks Jessie and Russell, just like Shredder with Bebop and Rocksteady.
The worst part is that Jessie, Russell and Natalie are the only three people on Ronnie’s side, and they’re in charge. Right away, my head starts to explode because the initial plan is to get rid of Casey. Natalie even goes as far as to tell Ronnie that he’s safe this week. That girl is going to have some serious blood on her hands after this week, and all the bleach in Lydia’s hair won’t get those damn spots out.
In Jessie’s HoH room, Jordan proves that she’s one the smartest women in the house, which says a lot about the idiotic bimbos in the house. Natalie is gaga over the photos of Jessie’s big muscles and Lydia essentially has an orgasm after seeing Jessie’s big fat hog (ie his motorcycle).
Casey attempts to reason with Natalie by explaining that not getting Ronnie out will turn the entire rest of the house against Jessie even more than they are already since he’s a strong guy who already has his chance on the show. Lady MacNat immediately tells Jessie about Casey’s speech, making it sound like it was a threat and not a rational recitation of the facts, which is exactly what it was.
Lydia aims to throw a wrench in the MacBeths’ relationship by flirting with Jessie on the hammock. She tries to talk to him about serious issues, and he interrupts to ask her to feel how soft his hair is. That’s followed by an extended metaphor where Jessie calls Lydia and himself caterpillars that can turn into beautiful, steroid-riddled butterflies.
Natalie walks outside to c-block the off-beat tattooed chick by sitting between them. Kevin adds his useless two cents saying that Jessie is a hot guy and that right now there are three people in love with him: Lydia, Natalie and Jessie himself. Why the hell is everyone under the false impression that Jessie is attractive? He looks like a freak of nature and his personality is a bigger turn-off than back hair.
After turning down Ronnie’s fake apology, Michele goes to the HoH room to bow before the king and queen. She doesn’t say much, and Natalie asks that if Michele doesn’t go home this week, would she agree not to put either her or Jessie up. That’s about the dumbest thing anyone has ever said. So if they target her and she somehow doesn’t go or wins PoV, she should agree to save the people who went after her? Only someone as stupid as Jessie would agree to that, and when Michele doesn’t, Jessie is suspicious of her.
And this is the primary reason I could never be an HG on Big Brother. I have a healthy respect for logic and reason, and the only people I openly discriminate against are dumb people. I have no problem with lying, but I could not stomach stupidity to the degree that’s necessary to succeed on this show.
It’s time for another “Jordan is an Idiot” montage of her eating slop, taking cold showers, and shaving her legs outside. This leads to another Have and Have Not Competition. Jessie, sporting the worst southern accent ever, is safe, as are the athletes. Each of the other cliques must pick one player, so Jordan, Chima and Kevin compete in a backyard NASCAR challenge.
The challenge is far too complicated, as always, and Jessie’s awful accent is just hurting my head even more. What we have here is a failure to communicate. Kevin decides to target the brains because he wants to punish Ronnie and he also thinks Ronnie needs to lose weight anyway. That’s probably the cattiest thing Kevin has said yet, and it’s almost enough to make me like him for a second, because Ronnie is disturbingly large around the middle for someone who looks skinny.
God, this challenge lasts forever, and Jessie and his dumb-ass country-fried accent will not shut up. The brains lose, so in addition to slop, they also get to eat America’s Choice food: cabbage and cocktail wienies. Ronnie is jazzed about wienies (I guess you really are what you eat), and Chima is furious that she’s in a clique with dorks. Chima is a pathetic diva, and it sounds like she was under the impression America could’ve voted to feed her prime rib and caviar.
There’s another food-related America’s Vote this week, so next week, the Have Nots will get to eat one of the following:
Squash and Squid
Brussels Sprouts and Borscht
Liverwurst and Black Licorice
Hold on, why isn’t Coq Au Vin and Saffron Risotto an option? Chima will not be pleased.
Kevin and Russell share a special moment where Russell talks about how he goes through women like tissues and Kevin is committed to the same man for nine years. Wait, the straight man is promiscuous and the gay man is monogamous? That is not how Pat Robertson described it to me.
Lydia and Natalie get into a huge fight over beds and sleeping arrangements, which is as dumb as it sounds. Lady MacNat goes up to the HoH room to berate the king. Lydia is being mean, and Lady MacNat wants Jessie to tame that shrew. Yes, Big Brother 11 has effectively become Shakespeare for Dummies.
Everyone is scared, Jessie puts keys into a box, and the most drawn out and pointless ceremony in reality TV is underway. It’s so sad and pathetic how all the HGs are expected to thank Jessie for not nominating them, as if he’s the God who blessed them with life. Ronnie gets the last key, which leaves Jordan and Michele as the two nominees.
In the space usually reserved for the HoH to explain his nominations, Jessie says nothing and just ends it without giving any explanation whatsoever. Basically, he believes he should nominate two weaklings so he can win PoV and backdoor someone he really wants out. And Ronnie, not understanding how the game works, is under the impression that he’s 100 percent safe this week and he’s luckier than Brian Austin Green. For a supposed nerd, he sure is an idiot.
On Tuesday, find out who wins the PoV and whether it will be used.