For those of us who have been subsisting off of Mob Wives and news bits about Kim G. and Michael Lohan (oh yes, and it is thoroughly disgusting), The Real Housewives of New Jersey is finally back for Season 3! Danielle is gone, Kim G. is not a new Housewife (I bet she’s so pissed! She was working hard for the money last season), and we’re meeting two new Housewives.

Will either of them be likable or are we just going back to thinking that maybe Jacqueline and Caroline are OK/the least evil? With Danielle gone, Teresa needs a new enemy. Her sister-in-law, Melissa Gorga, looks like a likely candidate. Teresa and her brother, Joe don’t exactly get along, either, from what we can tell from their brief interaction at his son’s christening:

Teresa: I just wanted to say congratulations again.
Melissa and Joe: Why are you saying it now?
Joe: Just walk away. Go.
Teresa: Are you kidding me?
Joe: Teresa, just do what you do every day. Just walk away.
Teresa: Are you kidding me.
Joe: You’re garbage.

Feel the love! Table antics run in the family, though! Joe pounds on the table and lunges toward Teresa. Then we get a title screen that says “One Week Earlier …” Oh I love that. It’s like Damages!

So, one week earlier, things are going just OK for Joe and Teresa. Joe is “enjoying his new career at Giuseppe’s Pizzeria” because they had that whole bankruptcy thing happen. Teresa is writing cookbooks and signing them to support their penchant for extravagant children’s wear.

This show is all about Teresa. Can we just acknowledge that already? It used to sort of be about Danielle and Teresa, but now it’s all Teresa all the time. Things are going fine for Jacqueline and the Manzo family. Albie’s moving out and moving forward. Law school didn’t work out. Ashley has an internship at a PR firm. She’s already whining and crying about it.

“The whole process is, like, so annoying!” Ashley complains.

So Teresa and her brother, Joe, used to be “like best friends” but everything changed when he married Melissa. Melissa “tends to be very spoiled” and is “living the American dream.” Melissa and Joe are kind of foul. They have a 15,000 square foot home that Joe surprised Melissa with for Christmas, and they are not having any issues with bankruptcy that we know of. At least Melissa openly admits that she and Teresa are competitive.

Now let’s meet Kathy, Teresa’s first cousin and Melissa’s friend. It is officially all in the family. The Gorgas are offended that Teresa hangs out with her new family who is not actually her family. The Manzos! Kathy’s husband, Rich, is Lebanese and maybe a former Guido. Can I say that? I have decided that so far, I love Kathy. She rode her little bike to the store and loves to cook.

The time for the Main Event (the christening) has arrived. Teresa’s hair stylist is working on Melissa, so Teresa might be late and there’s some guy who looks like Teresa’s husband but gay doing the girls’ hair. Gia will not be attending the christening because she has a gymnastics competition. The house is too big to get everyone together and ready on time. Add in that everyone has “the runs if you know what I mean” and there’s trouble.

Teresa was late to the christening, and Joe’s diarrhea was too bad for him to go at all. I’m not sure why the footage of the christening was all in sepia tone. Teresa showed up and said congratulations, and Melissa wasn’t happy that Gia and Joe didn’t even show up. Out of the sepia tone and onto the reception!

Teresa is joined by Juicy Joe, Gia, and the baby at the reception, and Joe declined a shot from Teresa’s brother. Kathy and Teresa aren’t getting along because Rich, who is always dressed like an accountant, was riding Teresa about her spending habits. He was right, though! Oh, the drama.

So was this all the stuff Danielle was talking about when she brought up Teresa’s family at the reunion? I miss Danielle. That Southern-style dinner with Jacqueline, Caroline, et. all was pretty boring.

Joe G. (the brother. They’re both Joe G. Can we call the brother Joey or something?) is ignoring Teresa and it hurt her feelings. Melissa didn’t like that Teresa and her husband danced with their baby to save face or something. This is a family of permanently pissed off people.

So the confrontation from the beginning of the episode goes down again, and all of a sudden everyone is in a full on brawl. At the christening! It’s so perfect. I couldn’t even tell who was yelling at who and who was fighting with whom. Insanity. Fights just kept exploding like fireworks throughout the party.
I do think I heard Melissa screaming, “Get the cops! Who is that? Get the cops!”

All of a sudden, Joe and Teresa’s dad was having trouble breathing, as everyone else was trying to cool down. Joe (the brother) steps in to straighten things out and make things right with his father. He thinks Joe Giudice is influencing him and giving him a bad impression. Nice work casting this one, Bravo, this season is gonna be insane!

(image courtesy of Bravo)

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Carla Patton

Writer, BuddyTV

Originally from Seattle, Carla recently took a husband and moved to Austin, Texas, where she is finally using her television “problem” to her advantage. It’s sort of like Dexter, but boring and less murdering. Carla’s favorite shows include 30 RockThe Amazing RaceProject RunwayModern Family, anything with murder, and pretty much anything gross and weird (CSIThe BachelorToddlers & Tiaras, etc.). Favorite canceled shows include: Arrested DevelopmentVeronica Mars and Average Joe. In her spare time, Carla leads tours of downtown Austin on a Segway (don’t knock it ’til you’ve tried it!), blogs about Netflix Instant, and visits elementary schools telling children they don’t need math to succeed (just kidding, stay in school, kids).