Sure, we’ll be joining the rest of the world when they ring in the new year on Saturday, but for us Bachelor fans (or lovers of Bachelor hate), 2012 doesn’t really kick in until January 2, when Ben Flajnik’s journey through hell, to love, or sex, or disaster … premieres!
I’ll be recapping every ridiculous limo entrance, stranger danger encounter, pedicured-foot-in-glossy-mouth and sobbing first-night dumpee when Bachelor Premiere Night comes around. But here’s a bouquet of enticements to keep you satisfied until then: Three sneak peeks of the premiere, a montage of some of the girls’ Bachelor auditions and a link to five “Meet the Girls” segments from the episode over at EW, if you haven’t seen those already.
It’s almost Bachelor Season Eve! Let’s party like it’s 1969! (You know, like, back when a lady needed a husband to provide and validate her existence, and cetera.)
Audition Tapes: These probably won’t mean much until we need the ladiezzzz on Monday night, but here’s a glimpse of some of the ones Ben is definitely going to dump the first nigh–I MEAN WHAT? Also, check out Emily (in the middle of the video) and her hilariously depressing online dating anecdote. You’ll be seeing more of her sad cuteness/cute sadness later.
First Kiss Sneak Peek: I told you Emily was coming back! Here, we get her backstory. And Ben gets her backwash. (Heyoooo!) Emily’s dignity-crisis between being a germ-obsessed PhD student and being the desperate “kiss me FIRST!” girl has made her my automatic favorite.
E! Bachelor Premiere Preview: Here’s a collection of other bits from Monday’s premiere, including the much-rumored gay/bisexual/try-sexual/drunk-sexual encounter between two of Ben’s suitresses, Monica (the subject) and Blakeley (the object). Whatever is going on there, I can’t wait to make fun of it.
Horse Girl Hostility Sneak Peek: From the title on down to just about every second of the video, “HORSE GIRL HOSTILITY” (!) is the best Bachelor sneak peek I have ever seen. Ben yells “Nice horse!” but it sounds like “Nice whores!” Then he talks about dismounting someone. And then the whores are NOT very nice to horse girl, “Lindzi.” I mean, duh. Everyone’s here to find a steed to put between her legs. You’re not supposed to SHOW UP with one!
Meet Five of Ben’s Would-Be Brides: Last but not least (though not best either, because seriously, it doesn’t get any better than “Horse Girl Hostility”), you know those intro packages that The Bachelor shows for some of the girls before the limo entrances? Those videos that basically tell you “here’s who you should watch for, because she’s either a frontrunner or a bloodthirsty she-demon”? EW has FIVE of those for you to watch right now and they are loads of fun: Amber loves to hunt and eat cow testicles. Courtney‘s a real piece of work, and by “piece” I mean “hot piece” and by “work” I mean “bitch.” Jenna is Kate Hudson in every romantic comedy. Kacie is just the cutest little thing. And Lindzi — GET THIS — is obsessed with horses. (I feel like I just described some warped, grown-up version of The Babysitter’s Club.)
And speaking of horses — make your pre-season picks! Which of these girls do you think will get farthest in the race for Ben?
(Image courtesy of ABC)