No, ABC confirms tonight, it wasn’t a bad three-hour dream you had last Monday: Bachelor Pad season 2 is real, and really THAT trashy. In fact, the drama and games are just getting more extreme as we go.
Tonight: Words aren’t the only thing stabbing our scantily clad contestants in their backs. (No, actual knives aren’t involved either. Hope you’re not TOO disappointed.) First, a cruel quiz challenge has them literally throwing eggs at the people they think are ugliest, inside and out. Then two dates, two formerly engaged couples, a hundred million hushed conversations and a seemingly infinite amount of tears lead to two SHOCKING voluntary eliminations — and one expected, non-voluntary one. Also: GHOSTS. (Kind of but not really. I wish.)
After last week’s eliminations of Alli and Rated R, Kasey says everything is going according to plan. If only he had the white cat and pinky ring to make his whole “criminal mastermind” act convincing. The next step of his brilliant plan, says Kasey, is to repeatedly punch Jake with his mind. Yesss, Kasey, that IS a great plan. Your mind is in your skull, so just go ahead and headbutt your thick skull into Jake’s. Fifty times. What’s it called when you hit two birds with one stone, but you’re also ONE OF THE BIRDS?
The Challenge: “Target on Your Back”
As we talked about earlier today, this challenge is a callback to last season’s quiz game, except worse, because this time instead of just saying who you think is ugly or stupid, you literally throw a paint-filled egg (which has been lain by the golden geese that Mike Fleiss keeps at his Torture Factory) at that person’s back, which has a target painted on it. Why didn’t they just dress up the women as kettles and the men as pots and have them throw black paint-eggballs at each other?
The women get to throw first, and Vienna says it should be “easy speezy!” for her because she used to play softball. It also helps that she doesn’t have any of those pesky things called “feelings” to drag her down. “Who are you the least attracted to?” is the first question because it is these people’s worst nightmare to be considered unattractive. I mean, of course none of us want to be seen as unattractive, but for many of them, that is their only (well-toned, tanned) leg to stand on. (If you’re watching and reading this, kids, just remember: Ugly people get eggs thrown at them, but even worse, they can’t be on TV and have to find real jobs — like writing about the pretty people on TV who get eggs thrown at them!) Most of the women try to throw at William, Michael and Ames, but miss because they’re girls and girls are bad at four things: sports, grace under pressure, and counting.
Erica hits Kasey with her “least attractive” paint-eggball, but an egg is no match for Kasey’s egO, which is as rock-solid as it is rock-unjustified. “I’ve got the hottest girl in the house as my girlfriend, I’m obviously not unattractive!” he declares, then pins a “Master of Self-Deluding Logic” ribbon on his creepily juiced-up pec.
The next question is, “Who is the least deserving to win the $250,000?” which begs a real stumper: What does it mean to DESERVE to win Bachelor Pad? Notably, Jackie pegs Graham for this one. This is notable because up until now I kind of forgot he was on this show.
The final question for the women is, “Who should go home this week?” Almost all the girls throw their eggs at Jake, including Vienna. Yes, ladies! You may be terrible and mean ladies, and you may be saying it in a terrible and mean way, but today you represent America when you tell this man, once and for all, FOR ALL OF US:
“It hurts, it really does,” says Jake like a robot reading the phone book. He’s shocked that everyone in the group thinks he’s a creep because of Vienna (and their own interactions with him). They don’t really know the real Jake, he declares, and that’s not fair because it’s not like he’s had a BAJILLION hours of “being himself” on trashy reality TV shows to prove to them what a Good and Honorable Guy he is. WHY DOESN’T ANYONE UNDERSTAND HIM?
Jackie and Melissa tie with three paint-eggball points each, and have to throw more eggs for a tie-breaker. They’re asked “Who is the dumbest?” Jackie decides to throw at William (correct?) but misses. Melissa hits Graham — double ouch for him. That means Melissa wins, and that maybe Graham should get some more airtime if he’s really so undeserving and dumb. Unfortunately, no paint-egg shrapnel hits Chris Harrison so he continues to wear this ugly purple western shirt the entire time:
I can only hope that Chris found this disaster in Jake’s Bachelor wardrobe reject pile and decided it would be his version of a smock for the day.
It’s the men’s turn to throw the eggs, and their first question is, “Which of these women is most likely to cheat on you if dating?” OH BOY. I guess they didn’t ask that about the men because … the men wouldn’t see it as an insult? I don’t know, something about this question just seems blatantly tailored to make the women feel cheap and inferior. (Like everything else here?) At least it’s not “Whose fake boobs are the grossest?” like last season, but still: Woof.
Jake throws his egg-ball at Vienna because he believes that she cheated on him with three men, which MIGHT be confusing, because remember last week when he said that he really just wants her to be happy and deep down he’ll always love her? Well, clearly he’s lying about one of these things (probably the happiness and love part) but don’t think too hard about it, because as we’ve established, they’re both terrible, manipulative liars and there are no winners in this battle, only losers.
The second question for the men is “Who do you want to see go home this week?” A few of the guys nail Erica. I guess they too know that nothing could be better than Erica’s Britney “Toxic” dress last week, so they need to see no more from her. The third and final question for the men: “Who are you least attracted to?” Graham hits Erica. Blake hits Erica. Kirk hits Erica. It’s a Hit Erica with an Ugliness Egg Party, and all the boys are invited (to go f*ck themselves)! “Erica got probably half the eggs total. Yeah, the poor girl,” says Kirk WHILE SMILING. Michael, whom I thought was a nice guy (!), throws his egg SO HARD at Erica that it nails her like a bullet. Fittingly, his lowest moment in life is his winning moment in the challenge.
I never thought I’d say this, but: Go back to hurting each other with your words now, please!
Erica starts crying as she realizes she has been voted the Least Attractive woman in the house, and I aaaaalmost feel sorry for her, until she reveals that she’s just as superficial and mean as everyone else by saying that she’s not just hurt that the guys don’t want to hump her, but that they would rather hump “someone like Ella” who is bigger and “not even that pretty.” I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: No one to root for.
For their ability to throw their egg-shaped insults with precision and vigor, Melissa and Michael win roses, and Michael partially redeems himself by actually feeling guilty for how he got his. As their prize, both of them will choose three people to go on separate dates with them, and there will be a rose at stake on each date.
After the challenge, roseless Jake realizes that he’s a dead man walking, so he goes inside and pouts like he’s your freshman art class final project entitled “Technicolor Sadness.”
Michael’s Date: “Are You Afraid of the Dark?”
Michael decides to take Erica, Michelle and Holly on his date. He tells the group he’s taking his ex-fiancee because they have “experience” dating (eeek) and have fun together (awww). “This is the first date Michael and I have gone on since we’ve broken up,” says Holly (because that’s what breaking up IS!) and she’s nervous.
“Going on a date with a guy and his ex-fiancee is a little awkward,” says Michelle. And that’s before she learns that this is the epitome of The Bachelor‘s Fear Factor-y definition of “date,” in that it is an unguided tour of a haunted INSANE ASYLUM. YES! Bring on the ghosts! I hope somebody gets possessed and they have to perform an exorcism!
… Nobody gets possessed. 🙁 But there is a lot of screaming and weird footage of everyone in night vision. At one point, Erica and Michael try to contact a spirit that they read about in a three-ring binder (… called the NECRONOMICON!) and get spooked by a loud noise that couldn’t at all have been caused by one of the 20 crew members in the hospital with them.
Meanwhile, an exorcism of the HEART happens between Magnificent Michelle Money and Confused Holly. Holly confides in Michelle that she and Michael haven’t really talked about the whole broken engagement thing yet, and she doesn’t know how they can just be friends after all they’ve been through. Magnanimous Michelle Money decides that instead of working for that rose, she’ll work her Dr. Phil on Michael and Holly and fix their relationship. She sits Michael down in front of an altar of spooky candles to ask him how he would feel if Holly started “hanging out” (that’s code for “doing it’) with someone on Bachelor Pad. Michelle is there to listen and ask the tough questions… for his sake.
Michelle Money: The GOOD Witch Now!
Michael decides to give the rose to Holly because he has “more to say to her” and apparently, as we saw with Jake and Vienna last week, each rose comes with some sort of 20-minute feelings-chat stipulation. He starts crying and says he really wants her to be happy. She starts crying and asks why he broke up with her. Apparently she said “there’s something missing” to him a lot, and their timing was off, and generally they both care about each other a lot but it just all got messed up and now neither of them knows what to do about it. Going on a reality show probably wasn’t the right first step, but at least it got them in the same place (a haunted insane asylum!!!) and talking.
Well, actually they’re at a post-haunted insane asylum tour rooftop wrap party because DUH!
It’s very sad for Michael and Holly that they have this painful, complicated and most importantly GENUINE history and love between them, but it’s sadly impossible for me to separate that from the irony that this conversation, especially Michael’s tearful, heartfelt description of what love, real true forever love, FEELS LIKE, is happening on a show that in every other scenario trivializes, capitalizes upon and just generally sh*ts on things like “true love.” Case in point: The next date.
Melissa’s Date: “Chart a Course for Romance”
Melissa asks Kasey, Kirk and Blake (aka the Three Pavelkalikes?!) to join her on a yacht for the day. Blake tells us that he’s not really into her, but he heard Melissa is into him and wants to use her to get safety. On the one hand: Sure, whatever, it’s a game. On the other hand: Dick move! (Pick a side now, it will make the rest of this easier.) Before the date Melissa offers the rose to Kasey if he’ll promise to keep her safe, and his ego purrs with pleasure: “I’m like the Godfather,” he says, already plotting how to stab his new ally in the back. “Melissa is one of those people that can be … expendable.”
But a day of forced romantic activity changes everything for Melissa, because Blake puts all his best “moves” on her as they sail the high seas. It’s like a mini bizarro world in which Melissa was chosen as the Bachelorette, and… silver lining: Ashley was awesome by comparison. Kasey’s popped pink collar is extremely confident that he’s got the rose in the bag, but Blake decides to bring out the big guns. And it’s big gross.
“It seemed like an easy way to pacify her for the moment,” says Blake, determined to dig himself into the biggest possible “I AM A DICK” hole. “I have to kind of whore myself out to keep her happy and maintain friendships that probably wouldn’t be there otherwise.” See? Just keeps digging!
Seduced by the power of his super-hygienic dentist tongue, Melissa gives the rose to Blake. As a reward, he gets to stay in the game. As a punishment, he has to stay the rest of the night on the yacht with Melissa while Kirk and Kasey hold each other in a little dingy headed for shore. Kasey is furious that Melissa went back on their alliance, but he’s not worried. He’s still the puppet-voiced puppet master, or so he thinks.
The Manipulation Marathon
The dates are over and the roses have been given out, so now everyone is in full “Game Play” mode, which means an entire hour of conversations about alliances — YAY FUN NEAT COOL, etc. And tonight, almost everyone has a turn stirring up sh*t! HOORAY OH JOY YIPPEE, I’m going mad.
Jake and Vienna: Jake goes to Vienna to ask her for help, approximately 0.3 seconds after she’d just gotten done telling the other women about his “unforgivable” behavior when they were engaged. She refuses to talk to him without Kasey present (he’s busy making sure that collar stays popped on the yacht date). The other women are starting to turn on Vienna, seeing how extremely harsh she is against Jake’s unrelenting assault of peace-offerings.
Gia and Graham: Gia decides to “share” some of her veteran Bachelor Pad knowledge with Graham, and shows him a written down diagram (they keep paper and pens in that house? I thought all the drawers were full of condoms!) showing that they need to break up Kasey and Vienna in order for anyone else to win. They agree to protect each other.
Holly and Blake and Melissa and Melissa’s Bottomless Rage: Holly has “never been so confused in her life,” because on the one hand, she has Michael, who is great and the love of her life and who wants to get back together with her, and on the other hand, she has Blake, who is “new and exciting” (and also a complete dick, but she clearly doesn’t know that yet).
Blake doesn’t know what he’s doing. Last night he was making out with Melissa, and now he’s lying down on silk sheets with Holly in the middle of the house in the middle of the day and expecting Melissa not to think that’s suspicious. But he does say some funny (and terrible!) stuff as a result:
“Holly’s on this little island of serenity, and I just want to get in a little rowboat and join her on the island. And I can’t because every time I get in the rowboat, it gets capsized by the typhoon of Melissa.”
“That’s not really the threesome I had in mind.”
“I feel like I have to handle Melissa with kid gloves, because I don’t want her to fly off the deep end.”
Melissa, to her credit, is upfront with Blake that she’s upset that he’s two-timing her, but, classic Melissa, half-way through the conversation she goes off the rails, saying that last season on The Bachelor she looked crazy, so she came here to prove that she’s “fun, cool and awesome … I think!” She’s crying and almost hyperventilating at this point.
The time has come: ELIMINATION NIGHT, when everyone gets all dolled up and fancy so they can act like monsters. It’s just like every other night of backstabbing and crying, but this time there are fake eyelashes mixed in with the runny mascara.
Jake and Vienna, Round 2: Jake decides to try again with Vienna, this time with Kasey present. He asks them to help save him “out of the kindness of their hearts,” and tries to guilt them into it by saying he plans to donate all of his winnings to charity. They laugh in his face, saying he clearly thinks they’re idiots (as he should) and they don’t believe anything he says (as they shouldn’t). They are unmoved, except for their love for one another. Truly, their mutual hatred for Jake seems to be the entire basis and fuel for their relationship. It’s gross. BUT NOT AS GROSS AS KASEY SHOWING US HIS BACHELORETTE TATTOO and declaring, “That means one thing. It’s guard and protect time. Are you ready?”
Chris Harrison waltzes in to declare a game-changing rule, but first his spidey sense picks up on the awkwardness in the room. He asks why Vienna and Jake can’t just “bury the hatchet” already. Vienna declares that ABC already “forced” them to go on national TV and do a breakup interview, and it’s “unnatural” for them to be on ANOTHER show together. And so Vienna sets up Chris Harrison to have his most BADASS MOMENT OF ALL TIME, as he says to her with real disdain and mockery in his voice, “Who’s forcing you to be here? Nobody’s forced to be here. If you’re unhappy, I’ll call a cab for you.” Boom! There’s a funny moment where Holly realizes just how different she and Vienna are:
“I’M here with my ex-fiance and I’M having a great time!”
Bitch handled, Chris moves on to the REAL reason he’s in the room: This week, they’re switching things up: Two women are going home and the men are all safe. Don’t ask why, that’s just the way it is. (This show hates women — but loves their boobs! — and loves making no sense. It’s kind of like B-horror movie that way.)
Vienna is NOT happy about this. She tries to get everyone to boycott the new rule change, and Kasey offers to go home with her if she wants to. She refuses. If she leaves, the terrorist Jake wins.
Everyone scrambles to realign their voting in light of the change. Kasey somehow found out that Gia told Graham they need to break up the Kasey-Vienna “power couple.” He tells Gia that Graham ratted on her; Gia is very upset (and very drunk) that Graham, her “friend,” betrayed her that way. Now, NOW, she finally decides that this game is fake and mean and cruel and not for her. She runs sobbing inside, changes out of her cocktail negligee, packs her bags and decides to leave. “I’d rather take myself out and know that I played this honestly. I don’t think I was made for this game,” says the woman who was ALSO ON THIS SHOW AND IN THIS GAME LAST SEASON, during which time she cheated on her boyfriend, I might add. Still, for those with a bad memory, her exit contains a shred of dignity.
BYE GIA. (Don’t come back, please.)
The women decide to vote off Ella, because she needs the money, which makes her desperate enough to be a real threat. Blake tells Ella that she’s in danger, so she goes on a campaign to the men to save herself. Kirk offers to partner up with Ella, and the men love Kirk, so they decide they’d like to eliminate Jackie instead. But Ames has already gone to Kasey, kissed the ring and asked him to spare Jackie! Michael asks Kasey and Vienna to change their votes to Jackie so they don’t “lose Kirk” in their alliance. There is one person they’re definitely losing here, and that is me.
Ames and Jackie seem confused yet resigned to their unknown fate. “Bachelor Pad can either make you or break you,” says Ames. “Well it made us!” says his new girlfriend. “I think it may have broken … some people,” he says. CUT TO MELISSA, who’s witnessed one too many flirty conversations and decided beyond all doubt that Blake is a two-timing dee-bee. She’s not wrong, but she goes on a disastrous, name-calling whisper rampage that only makes her look more petty and unstable. But really, she’s just a girl with a broken heart. “When will it be MY TURN to have, like, a Vienna and Kasey or a Jackie and Ames?” she laments. Melissa has either been in the Bachelor vortex for so long that she’s been brainwashed into thinking that Kasey and Vienna are what real, beautiful love look likes, or she’s just really THAT crazy.
With Gia gone, only one woman will be eliminated. As this week’s male challenge winner, Michael hands out the roses to the women who get to stay, and they are: Vienna, Michelle, Erica and … Ella.
Which means Jackie is eliminated. Nooo! Poor Ames! My dear, sweet Ames and his dear, sweet robot heart try to process this information, but he’s out of RAM.
DOES NOT COMPUTE.
Ames, ever the gentleman, walks her out. But as he watches the limo pull away with his new girlfriend in it, Ames decides that he’d rather not play this cruel game of hearts without her, waves goodbye to the rest of the cast and RUNS AFTER THE LIMO TO BE WITH HIS BELOVED! Ames, you are a gem and a class-act, and even if things don’t work out with Jackie, you just saved yourself untold amounts of embarrassment. It’s a win-win, even though they just lost-lost.
Cuteness? On Bachelor Pad? Well now I’ve seen it all!
“I think it’s safe to say we won Bachelor Pad 2,” Ames says in the limo. Remember when he talked about the Italian Renaissance poets with Ashley under his favorite tree? Do you think we can get this guy his own show? “Love occurs in the most unexpected places, and Bachelor Pad is no exception.” With that, he and Jackie share a love-kiss to end the episode, putting a beautiful cherry on a turd sundae. Do you think they’re still together? I heard they broke up already, but in my exhausted, cynical, shriveling heart, they’ve already made a million babies. So sue me for hoping for a little hope here.
Another cherry on the sundae: Looks like these “Jeff the Mask is hiding in the mansion and creeping around when everyone else is asleep” mini movies at the end of each episode are going to be a regular thing. I think it’s nice but also sad that they gave him a little extra work, and for that he gave them exclusive rights to make a mockery of him forever.
Next Week: A synchronized swimming challenge, Erica MAKES OUT WITH JAKE (noooo!), and Melissa really “flies off the deep end” with Blake.
(Image courtesy of ABC)