Batten down the hatches, it’s time for another mind-blowing and, of course, dramatic episode of Bachelor in Paradise. When we last left our sexy and understandably single bachelor and bachelorettes, Juelia had threatened to expose Joe’s d-bag ways to the utterly underwhelming Samantha. She’s a pretty girl, sure. But has she uttered 15 — hell, 10 — sentences since arriving in paradise?
Jade and Juelia pull Sam aside for a chat, Meanwhile, Joe is convinced that Samantha’s going to tell him to kick rocks once Juelia recounts the circumstances surrounding their very short-lived romance. For a guy convinced he did nothing wrong, what’s he got to be so worried about?
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Who’s the Master Schemer?
Juelia begins to regale Samantha with her Shakespearean tale of woe, but Sam stops the single mother, and her supposed friend, before Juelia really gets to the good stuff. Sam doesn’t think this conversation should take place without the accused, Joe, present. Samantha’s reasoning is she’ll get the full story instead of a he said/she said type of deal.
Juelia doesn’t want to sit down with Joe, and who can blame her? She’s tried to have several discussions and she’s all “No mas.”
Juelia does tell Samantha that Joe went from hero to zero in no time flat, but Sam really doesn’t give a shit. Sam is on “cloud nine” and would prefer to stay there. Jade is shocked, claiming this isn’t the “Sammy” she knows from back home, and Juelia finds it fishy that Sam only wants to discuss the situation if Joe’s there as well. So much for sisters before misters.
Word spreads about Samantha’s reaction, or lack thereof, and Clare thinks that Sam’s total disregard for her “friend” Juelia, who Juelia likes or Juelia’s happiness makes Sam 10,000 times worse than Joe.
Sam immediately reports back to Joe, who says the only person he came to Mexico to meet was her. He confirms what everybody suspected: both Joe and Sam had eyes for each other before they even got to paradise.
Joe may be the fall guy, but Tanner isn’t letting Samantha off the hook. Tanner tells Jared that before filming started, Joe sent him a screen grab of a text message from Samantha, telling Joe to do whatever it took to stay put until she arrived. Gee, Tanner. You couldn’t have spoken up sooner? What a dick. Tanner justifies not speaking up because he thought it was possible that Joe had or would develop feelings for Juelia because “she’s such a great girl.”
Jared doesn’t want to be mad at Joe, so he and Tanner decide they need to convince Joe to come clean. When they go to Joe’s room, they barely get their feet in the door, and Joe makes is clear he’s done talking.
Jared brings up the fact that he asked Joe outright if Joe had spoken to Samantha pre-show, and Joe claims that what Jared asked is if Joe had met Samantha, which he had not. They argue back and forth a bit, but Samantha politely pushes the guys out the door.
Samantha is interviewed on camera and denies any plotting or planning. She claims their contact was limited to some texts. But off-camera, Sam and Joe are caught trying to get their stories straight. It’s all so deliciously evil and diabolical. Who cares? Let them have each other. Juelia should stop crying and spring into raging bitch mode. I’d make it my mission to make Sam and Joe’s lives miserable until I went home.
A New Love Interest for Dan
Juelia isn’t the only one sulking. Ashley S. is nursing a broken heart too. Dan broke things off and she’s blue, but hope springs eternal. Ashley thinks she could still get a rose since nobody else has caught Dan’s eye. Thank god he didn’t go for Megan because as far as intellect goes, she may actually be a step down from Ashley S.
But since this show is a sadistic mix of The Love Boat and Love Connection, you just know somebody is waiting in the wings to sweep Dan-o off his feet, and that someone is Amber James from Chris Soules’ season.
Ashley S. is literally thrilled to literally see Amber, so much so that her face literally lights up. People, please. Go forth and fetch ye a dictionary so everyone can stop using ‘literally’ constantly and in the wrong context.
Amber has a date card and wastes no time asking Dan out. She does it in front of the entire group, including Ashley S. Awkward. Dan agrees but asks Amber if they can talk first. Dan the man explains his history with Ashley and tells Amber that before he moves forward with their date, he needs to speak to Ashley.
Dan immediately pulls Ashley S. aside, and she does not hold back. She’s pissed because ever since their conversation on the beach, Dan’s been avoiding her. He apologizes for pulling back, but Ashley isn’t letting him off the hook that easily. And, yes, she’s going to look crazy, but Ashley’s assertion is that Dan should just say, “Hey, I’m over it,” instead of icing her out. Men cannot deal with confrontation, so they just stop calling, stop returning texts, just stop. This makes us nuts, and we will go to great lengths to get that closure.
Ashley may have some issues, but her expecting Dan to behave like a grown man isn’t one of them.
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With all the drama going on at the resort, it’s easy to forget that Megan and JJ are out on their first date. They spend the day on a yacht and taking a jet ski out for a spin. Megan expresses how it’s the fastest she’s ever gotten wet on a date. Ewwwww.
I know there’s something wrong with this girl because she thinks JJ is funny. JJ’s a lot of things and funny isn’t one of them. Just ask Amy Schumer.
Don’t expect this couple to go the distance. JJ realizes there’s an intellectual schism the size of the Grand Canyon, but he does enjoy her company and Megan is easy on the eyes. It’s safe to assume Megan will be getting a rose.
Dan and Amber head out on their date, leaving an angry and hurt Ashley S. behind. She feels she was led astray and equates the end of their fling to a death. Really?! I had you, girl. And then you had to equate the dissolution of a very casual relationship to the end of a life. Now you’re on your own, literally.
Dan and Amber hit it off during their one-on-one time. She actually comes off as more of a super fan than anything else, which is pretty funny given how little of an impression Dan made on Desiree’s season of The Bachelorette.
Dan hasn’t completely forgotten about Ashley S., who is quickly unraveling at the resort. He admits to Amber that he really had feelings for Ashley, but he just didn’t see the relationship having any staying power. The guy has gone out of his way to not disparage Ashley outright by saying she’s nuts. Dan also doesn’t want to come between Amber and Ashley S., but Amber doesn’t think that will be a problem.
A Joe and JJ Throwdown
JJ gets back from his date with Megan and gets thrown right into the Sam, Joe and Juelia drama. JJ thinks that Joe should give his rose to someone else and let Sam leave, then be recluse until he gets eliminated, and then the two of them can go live happily ever after.
JJ fancies himself Juelia’s knight in shining armor, so he decides to take Joe to the woodshed. Joe continues to swear he did nothing wrong, completely missing the point that he caused Juelia to waste a rose and possibly miss out on falling in love with a nice guy.
Joe doesn’t believe he dicked over Jonathan or lied to Jared, and once he gets tired of defending himself, he always goes back to the question of why the hell anyone else cares what he does anyway. Villain has got to vil, right, JJ?
There’s a semi-heated exchange, a few “bros” tossed around, but it feels like posturing for the camera. JJ probably figures that by coming to Juelia’s defense, he’ll elevate himself to panty dropper status.
The episode leaves off with the threat of a possible physical altercation between JJ and Joe, but I don’t expect their argument to escalate in the next “dramatic” episode of Bachelor in Paradise.
Bachelor in Paradise airs Sundays and Mondays at 8pm on ABC.
(Image courtesy of ABC)