It’s only the second week of Bachelor in Paradise, but it feels like we’ve been marooned on an island with these crazies for months! Am I right?

Now it’s the ladies’ turn to hand out the roses, so gentlemen, you’d better be on your best behavior. Is that even possible in a setting with constant booze, skimpy outfits and a show where you’re encouraged to “meet” as many of the other people as possible?

But before we get to the drama in “paradise,” let’s talk about a juicy bit of drama that occurred just outside of paradise … after Michelle K. eliminated herself at the rose ceremony last week.

According to Chris Harrison and a hilarious reenactment by “Cast Handler” Lauren, Michelle K. was hiding crew member Ryan Putz in her hotel room following her exit. (Yes, that is his real name. How fitting.)

When Lauren knocked on the door, it “spooked” Ryan, who immediately went and jumped off the balcony.

“It was a lot further of a drop than I thought it was,” said the Putz, who broke both his legs.

I can’t even. Only on Bachelor in Paradise, folks! 

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It’s Okay, He’s Invited

Now back to our sexy singles, who last week coupled up as: Marcus and Lacy, Dylan and Elise, Marquel and Michelle, AshLee and Graham, Robert and Clare, and Ben and Sarah.

In walks none other than Chris Bukowski, of Bachelor, Bachelor Pad and almost-crashing-Andi’s-season-on-Bachelorette fame! (I’m pretty sure he was legitimately asked to be on this show, though, because he shows up holding a date card.)

Obviously, Chris has a poor reputation, but he gets a warmer welcome than Ben did. Chris chooses Clare to “pamper in paradise.” Clare goes in with an open mind, saying that if Chris is indeed a douchebag, let her be the one to make that decision.

They get a couple’s massage and talk about Chris’ past. Clare finds him to be mature and open. Perhaps there will be love for Clare in paradise. For this week, anyway!

Love Triangle

Marcus and Lacy are off in their own world, laying side-by-side on the beach, holding hands and kissing. This understandably bothers Robert, who only days ago went on an “amazing” date with Lacy where they kissed and told each other about their families. Obviously, marriage was the next reasonable step.

Pouring salt in the wound is the fact that a date card arrives for Marcus. Gee, I wonder who he will pick?

It’s Lacy! They get all gussied up to go on their date, as Robert dies a little inside. At least all the other ladies are feeling sorry for him now. Maybe he’ll get some pity nookie?

On the date, Marcus tells Lacy that he likes her because she asks him questions that no one has ever asked him. Umm, like what exactly? And how did he even hear her with that incredibly annoying baby voice she uses?

He’s Just Not That Into You

As we watch a montage of the Dylan/Elise love match that happened on day one of our journey, Elise babbles on and on about how she is falling in love with Dylan (in her confessional).

In person, she tries to get Dylan to discuss astrology with her on the beach.

He zones out, and then tells her that he hopes he gets a date card so that he can meet some other ladies. Elise seems to take the hint, deciding to pull back from Dylan a bit to make him see what he’s missing.


Y.O.P.O. means “You’re only in paradise once!” and the cast officially adopts Y.O.P.O. as their slogan. It’s only slightly less annoying that “Y.O.L.O.”

Apparently, if you’re only in paradise once, you will do shots, shots and more shots. This will cause Elise and Chris to make out in the ocean and Michelle to go swimming in the pool in her dress. (Dylan sleeps through all this.)

In the morning, Elise discusses what happened with Michelle. Michelle advises her to go out and sleep with meet the other guys.

Chris, meanwhile, tells Ben and Lacy that he’s kinda into Elise now.

Elise decides to clear the air with Dylan. “Yes, a kiss was involved, but I was thinking about you the whole time,” she pleads to him.

This isn’t exactly what Dylan had in mind when he told Elise that they should date other people. But … wasn’t it? I mean, he basically told her that he wanted to make sure there weren’t any better options than her.

Still, the kiss is a deal-breaker for Dylan. “Don’t give me a rose at the rose ceremony,” he tells her.

After Dylan walks away, Elise is in severe denial. “This is just a little bump,” she says brightly. “Now he knows he cares about me. I already knew I cared about him. Our relationship will just grow stronger!”

The Arrival of Zack

Zack from Desiree’s season of The Bachelorette enters the mix and Clare likey. Wow. How did I not think he was a hottie on Des’ season? He’s so tall, dark and handsome.

Zack chooses Clare for his date and I’m thinking finally Clare will find her match. Also, how many freaking one-on-one dates has Clare had in paradise? And struck out every time, mind you!

Oh my gosh. They are so cute. “Lots of pheromones,” as Clare puts it. They walk through a Mexican town and then make out in the ocean. Finally! Score one for Clare!

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House Drama

Robert is worried that he won’t get a rose this week.

Dylan is telling people that it’s over with him and Elise. Elise is telling people that Dylan is just scared, but don’t worry, they’ll still get married.

Chris is trying to sweet-talk Elise because he knows she’s his only option for getting a rose. In his confessional, he tells us that Dylan is like a bloated, tanner version of Matt Damon.

“Here’s the thing,” Chris says. “I kissed Fat Damon’s girl and now he’s gotta go Good Will Hunting for someone else.”

A date card arrives for Dylan, who has already been telling people that he would take Sarah if he got one.

Elise is 100% sure that she will be going on the date card and she gets ready to head out. LIke he said, Dylan asks Sarah. She tells him she has to think about it because Elise is her best friend here.

Elise attempts to rationalize that Sarah should go because she is trustworthy. In her crazy mind, Elise sees the invitation for Sarah as part of Dylan’s master plan. Really, he’s being thoughtful by choosing her best friend for the date. Clearly, nothing could happen between them.

Damn, girl! Did you forget to pack your meds on vacation?!

Oh, and hey, has anybody seen Marquel? What the hell? It’s almost 9:30pm and no mention of him.

Dylan and Sarah

Elise is now upset that Sarah went on the date, even though she openly admits that she gave Sarah her permission to go.

Dylan and Sarah are having a great time. Elise who? Dylan tells Sarah that he saw something in her that he wanted to explore. She is flattered.

Sarah is attractive, hilarious, awesome and confident, according to Dylan. He would love if she gives him a rose.

Oh geez. What is Sarah going to do? What would be worse — the wrath of Elise or the wrath of AshLee? (AshLee, hands down.)

Nice Redemption Story

During the one-on-one date, the cool kids are all having a bonfire on the beach. Ben is impressing Michelle and it looks like they might get together.

Ben is claiming that he is here looking for a connection and he wants this show to be his redemption story.

Speaking of Ben, Marcus has “innocently” stumbled upon a love letter in Ben’s backpack in the room. He claims that he spilled water on the backpack and out popped a love letter from someone named Lindsay saying she’s so happy to call him her own. (Alright, guys, you got me. I’m Ben’s secret girlfriend.)

If it were anyone else besides Marcus, I’d say that they were snooping. But Marcus seems too honest. Marcus shows Marquel and they decide to confront Ben on the beach.

Ben’s explanation is that he met a girl three weeks before the show and they fell in love. He says he’s not fooling anyone because he’s been honest that he has no love connections here.

The rest of the cast smell drama so they come running. Ben is very forthcoming (now that he’s been found out) and Michelle takes it a little hard. She starts crying because she left her daughter to find love here, dammit!

Really? Did Michelle really think she would walk away from this with a soulmate? It’s Bachelor Pad on an island. All it will spawn are drunk hookups and a plethora of regrets.

Ben informs everyone that he is leaving. “Goodbye, Hollywood,” he says to the camera. “I’m done with TV.” More like TV is done with you, mister!

He leaves and Michelle sobs in her bed. Alright, that’s enough. I’m hopeful Michelle is just drunk-crying; otherwise, girl, get a grip.

Cocktail Party and Rose Ceremony

The ladies have all the power. Michelle tells us that there are some girls who don’t know who they are giving roses to, so it’s sure to be a “crazy night.”

Only one guy will be going home because Ben left on his own accord.

Michelle is feeling “strong” about her decision to give Marquel a rose … until Marquel confides that it bothers him that she “likes to drink.” Well, hmm. Sure she’s a partier, but she doesn’t walk around spouting nonsense and slurring her words like Elise. And it’s a vacation! Go ahead and drink, Michelle!

Robert steps in to take a seat with Michelle and kicks Marquel out. Michelle tells Robert she has one question for him. “Do you think I drink a lot?” Robert answers no, and it looks like Robert will be getting Michelle’s rose.

Chris pulls Elise aside and tells her that he likes her. A lot. Elise is still obsessing over Dylan. Obviously.

Sarah doesn’t know what to do because she doesn’t want Elise to kill her in her sleep if she gives her rose to Dylan. Dylan reminds Sarah that she didn’t come here to meet a best friend. She came here to find love.

Dylan decides to set Elise straight on what is happening here. Of course, Elise thinks that he’s going to tell her that he wants to get back together with her. He does not. He tells her that right now, all they have is a friendship.

She asks him if he would accept her rose and he says no. Elise is still confused. What is his game?! She just can’t figure out how this path will lead to her and Dylan’s future marriage. (But she’s sure that it will.)

Time to hand out some roses!

Lacy and her hideous outfit give a rose to Marcus. AshLee gives hers to Graham, in a blazer equally hideous to Lacy’s romper. Clare gives her rose to Zack, and that’s it for the no-brainer roses.

Michelle is up. She gives her rose to Marquel. Dammit! I don’t want Robert to leave.

Elise is next. Will she continue to live in denial? Yes. Yes, she will. She offers her rose to Dylan.

He walks up and tells her he will not accept the rose, like he told her several times. She thanks him and then gives a crazy speech about life bringing ups and downs, as everyone else giggles. Elise then turns and offers her rose to Chris, who hesitates but accepts the sloppy seconds.

Sarah has the final rose of the evening. Dylan is sure he will get the rose, but she gives it to Robert instead. I’m sure she only gave it to Robert because it would have been too awkward with Dylan and Elise both still being there.

“I feel good about my decision with Elise,” says Dylan as he exits. “I think that Elise is out of her mind.”

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In the previews for next week, we see that both Michelle and Sarah like Robert, plus Chris reveals his true colors once again. Newsflash — he’s an idiot.

So I’m thinking that after watching back, Sarah may have some serious regrets about not keeping Dylan. And I hope Elise has extremely serious regrets about her cuckoo behavior!

Bachelor in Paradise
airs Mondays at 8pm on ABC.

(Image courtesy of ABC)

Lindsay Podolak

Contributing Writer, BuddyTV