Were you as excited as I was today? I spent the whole day wondering what Graham will do: accept the rose from AshLee or tell her “No thanks, and by the way, you need therapy.”

Thank goodness ABC had the sense to air this next episode of Bachelor in Paradise only a day later. I don’t think I could have waited a whole week!

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Dropping Like Flies

We rejoin the love-seekers at the rose ceremony. 

AshLee is trying to give Graham her rose, but he stepped outside for a minute. Michelle rushes to his side while everyone is left wondering.

Graham feels like he’s going to faint and he is sweating profusely. He takes his shirt off, mops up his sweat and returns to the ceremony where he smiles and accepts the rose. WTF?!

All of a sudden, Lacy says she’s going to vomit. Now it’s her turn to run off and be ill. The producers decide that she should go to the hospital because clearly it’s very serious. 

Was the shot of the EMT inserting the IV into her hand necessary? Now I’m about to vomit.

So I guess that’s the big spoiler of who goes off in an ambulance. Just Lacy with some heat stroke or food poisoning.

“This is the craziest rose ceremony I’ve ever experienced,” says Michelle.

But anyway. Back to that rose ceremony that Michelle speaks of! 

So far, Lacy gave her rose to Marcus, Clare gave her rose to Zack and AshLee gave her rose to Graham.

It’s time for Michelle to hand hers out, and she gives it to Cody. Yay!

Sarah gives her rose to Robert.

Jackie’s up and this is the only rose that’s really up in the air. She gives her rose to Jesse. Smell ya later, Kalon and Marquel!

Marquel doesn’t even rate a goodbye from Jackie, as she just says “Bye” to the general area of Marquel and Kalon walking away.

At the hospital, Lacy and Marcus spoon in the tiny bed where Lacy recovers from her swollen intestines or whatever Marcus called it. Nice polka dot socks, Marcus.

To recap, we now have the following six couples: Marcus and Lacy, Zack and Clare, Graham and AshLee, Michelle and Cody, Robert and Sarah, and Jackie and Jesse.

A Brand New Week 

The morning brings sunshine and happy moods for all. 

“It’s a brand new week in paradise, and I’m feeling excited!” says Clare. “There’s love in paradise everywhere! Sarah and Robert, Lacy and Marcus, Cody and Michelle, and even AshLee the bitch and Graham have been spending time together.”

Umm, did anyone else think that when Clare said, “AshLee the bitch,” it sounded super edited? Nice job, producers!

“I know Zack and I have a connection and it’s definitely a romantic one and it’s obvious that he feels the same way,” Clare adds. “We’re unbreakable.”

Cue the girl arriving to break up Clack. Zalare? Ugh, they can’t even make a good celebrity couple name. Just break up already!

The “smokin’ hot” girl who arrives is Christy from Juan Pablo’s season of The Bachelor. She greets everyone and says it’s nice to see Zack sober, because they apparently met while drunk in LA. 

Christy would like to take Zack on the date, but he hems and haws his way out of it. He tells Christy that obviously he came to paradise with her on his “list,” but he has something going with Clare now. 

Clare is furious when she first hears that Zack is “talking to other women,” but once she realizes he said no to the date, she goes back to wanting his babies.

Christy’s second choice, aka the only “single” guy in the house, is Jesse, who agrees to the date.

Jesse and Christy

Jesse and Christy head out to a Mexican town where they drink booze, eat chocolate and discuss Christy’s exes. 

Back at the beach, Jackie is feeling left out. She’s also worried about Jesse and Christy having a better connection than what she had with Jesse. That means that she would be going home this week.

Robert and Sarah

Sarah gets the next date card and asks Robert to join her for a romantic dinner. 

“Cheers to our second date and a little slice of Sarah-dise!” says Robert. Wow, is he cheesy. 

Sarah is hopeful that they will have their first kiss tonight. They haven’t kissed yet?!

Robert tells Sarah that the best part of paradise has been spending time with her. But will he make a move?

They hop into their little private pool and finally (after some lengthy awkwardness) they make out. 

The Other Couples

Cody tries to impress Michelle by bench-pressing her and painting her toenails. Lacy is concerned that Cody is trying too hard and moving too quickly. Oh really, Lacy? Well, if that isn’t the pot calling the kettle black…

“Am I falling fast for you? Yeah, way fast. It feels weird, it feels good, it feels crazy,” says Cody.

Michelle is freaking out. Understandably. Just two days ago, he was really into Clare. Michelle wonders whether or not she wants to jump into a relationship with him.

Jesse and Christy return from their date and continue the party. It’s obvious that Christy likes to have a good time. 

Zack, meanwhile, is regretting his decision to turn down the date with Christy because she seems lighthearted and fun … the exact opposite of Clare. He tries to voice his concerns over the intensity of their relationship to Clare, but she takes instant offense and tells him she is going to bed.

Then in a completely sane move, she runs off into the jungle. Literally. “I just need to get out of here,” sobs Clare. Thank goodness the raccoon is there to listen to her.

Clare decides that paradise is not for her and she prepares to leave in the middle of the night. Michelle tries to talk her out of it, to no avail.

But first, Clare makes a stop in Zack’s room where he snores away peacefully. She wakes him up to tell him that she has to listen to her gut and go home. She obviously wants Zack to try to convince her to stay, which he does not, although he does tell her that he wanted their relationship to be magical.

A snotty-nosed, puffy-eyed Clare drives off in the minivan of rejected Bachelors and Bachelorettes. “I’m so tired of feeling these feelings,” says Clare. “I just wanted to do something fun, something good, something happy. This is why I just wanted to do Dancing with the Stars.”

Haha, nice try, sweetie. That little ploy is not going to work. It’s strictly A-list members of Bachelor Nation on DWTS.

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A Free Spirit Blows In

Yuck. It’s Lucy from Juan Pablo’s season. Her whole shtick is that she’s a “free spirit” who runs around naked.

She immediately makes the other girls uneasy because she strips down and starts walking around the house nude. 

And, of course, she has a date card! She invites Jesse on her date and he accepts.

Jesse and Lucy

They tour some ruins and get some drinks. I see them having a good friend vibe, but nothing else. 

So don’t worry, Christy. I think Jesse still has the best connection with you. Or Jackie.

How did Jesse become the most popular guy in paradise? 

Cody and Michelle

Michelle receives the next date card and takes Cody out with her.

Their date is a pretend engagement photo shoot. Probably not the best date idea for an already-nervous Michelle. 

Cody babbles about how he’s been waiting three years for this and he’s so lucky and blah blah blah.

I can’t decide if when Michelle says, “I’m overwhelmed,” she means it in a good way or a bad way.

Maybe trying on a wedding dress on the date will help? After a minor freak-out, Michelle agrees to put the dress on for more photos. She has to tell Cody, like, 10 times that it’s not real. 

“He just wants to run away together right now,” says Michelle. “Lots of pressure, lots of emotion.”

Graham and AshLee

AshLee gets a date card and Graham accepts the offer, without fainting this time. 

So did he ever confront her about what she said to Clare? Guess not.

AshLee wears a ridiculous headband that she must have borrowed from Lucy for their date racing cars.

I’m Just Gonna Keep Drinking

While Graham, AshLee, Jesse and Lucy are all out on their dates, Christy is on the beach with kissy-face couples Marcus and Lacy, and Robert and Sarah.

Christy understandably feels alone and left out, so she decides to just keep on drinkin’.

“There’s so much booze and no one’s drinking it!” says Christy. “It makes me so mad.”

Marcus pulls Lacy off for a private moment to tell her that he loves her. “Marcus, that makes my heart skip a beat,” answers Lacy in her baby voice. Barf. Get a room. Or a wedding chapel.

Once you’ve found love, Chris Harrison should kick you off to make room for more wild singles.

I spoke too soon about Jesse and Lucy not hooking up. They make out right before joining everyone on the beach, but Lucy urges Jesse not to tell anyone.

Christy is feeling upset and wants to leave. She goes to talk to Jesse, who sweet-talks his way out of the mess by telling her he didn’t really want to go on the date with Lucy. 

This makes Christy feel good enough to go to bed with Jesse for some late-night action. Lucy follows behind because she needs attention constantly. Ugh.

Cocktail Party and Rose Ceremony

Quick question before we get to the dramatics. Where was Zack all day? Hiding in his room moping about Clare? He talked a lot of game (to Graham) about wanting to go on dates with other chicks, yet Clare leaves and he doesn’t even talk to Jackie or Christy. Lame.

Since the guys are giving out roses, one lady will be going home this week. 

Christy, Lucy and Jackie aren’t sure if they will be getting a rose or, if they do, who it would be from. Basically, the only two roses up for grabs are Zack’s and Jesse’s.

Zack speaks with Jackie and tells her that he’d like to get to know her better, in a respectful kind of way. This makes Jackie happy because she’s so over sleazeball Jesse.

Christy and Lucy make their best pitches for Jesse’s rose. I actually snorted at my TV screen when Jesse told Christy that he came here trying to build a relationship. 

Christy tells Jesse that she is only interested in him. Lucy tells Jesse that she doesn’t want to go home yet. Lucy also decides to scheme against Christy. 

Her dumb “scheme” is to tell Jesse that Christy didn’t know it was Jesse in bed last night until she felt his beard. Umm, so what? Great plan, Lucy.

Time to hand out roses, gentlemen!

Robert gives his rose to Sarah. Graham gives his rose to AshLee, which “disgusts” Lacy.

Cody gives his rose to Michelle. Marcus gives his rose to Lacy after a long speech and an even longer kiss. Yawn.

Zack gives his rose to Jackie. 

A sweating Jesse gives his rose to … Christy! Bye, Lucy!

I’ll leave you with the parting words of Michelle Money: “This experience has gone by so fast and soon enough, like, it will be over. Hopefully, we all came here truly to find love. Fortunately, some of us have already connected, but for the few that haven’t, time is ticking. Choices have to be made, and at this point, anything can happen here.”

And by the looks of the scenes from next week’s episode, anything really can happen!

Marcus and Lacy possibly have their first fight, the arrival of Brooks upsets the Sarah/Robert romance and Cody stupidly tells Michelle he loves her on day three of their relationship. 

Bachelor in Paradise airs Monday nights at 8pm on ABC.

(Image courtesy of ABC)

Lindsay Podolak

Contributing Writer, BuddyTV