Six episodes into Cycle 18 of America’s Next Top Model, and a newbie is here recapping it. Yeah, you heard me. Yes, I know, this is serious stuff and I fully understand you can not miss any essential details from this week’s episode. We’ll get there. First, I’m ecstatic that my first venture here is going to be a recap of the episode where girls who are barely models now also get to be music stars. Every musical bone in my body twitches in agony as five American and four British wannabe models get transformed into the Pussycat Dolls/Spice Girls/insert-other-girl-group here, complete with a professionally-shot music video, choreography and a single release. At least – thank goodness — (Or thank Auto Tune that blew up during last season’s musical escapade) – this time the girls are trying to rap, not sing.
Teddy Bear Down!
But before all that, there’s the teddy bear-in-the-pool incident. First of all, guys, this is actually serious business. Laura’s best friend died in an accident only days before her entering the Top Model house. Before that, he had given her a stuffed animal. Her mistake was bringing it with her to the house, where a slew of camera-time-hungry teenage girls stand ready to create scenes for this season’s blooper reel. And they don’t disappoint. The teddy bear almost ends up in the pool, or at least his ear does…after it gets ripped off during a girl fight and viciously kicked away by odd Texan girl Kyle. After this, Laura completely loses it and runs away screaming. Gone too far, girls? Yeah, just a bit. At least highly-likable Brit Sophie shows some remorse.
The Return of the Lisa
And then, enter Lisa D’Amato, winner of last season’s All Stars-run. And she’s bringing the challenge! The girls get divided into an American and a British team, competing against each other as girl groups. And what do you know, here come group mentors Jessica Sutta, formerly of the Pussycat Dolls, and Nadine Coyle, — not a Spice Girl, but close enough – from Girls Aloud. Off they all go to the Village Recording Studios, where everyone from The Rolling Stones to Lady Gaga have recorded, and now…the contestants on America’s Next Top Model. Yeah.
The Art of the Booty Tooch … According to Tyra
Back to the making of the ANTM hit single in a minute. First, Tyra Banks takes them all to a dance studio, where, brace yourselves, she’s teaching them the art of the BOOTY TOOCH. (Yup, she’s finally gone and lost all her remaining marbles.) The girls have to wear butt pads … and girls all around America with real booties are currently throwing whatever they can find at the TV, saying: “Seriously??!!”
Tyra then goes on to show them how NOT to Tooch. Apparently, the Hoochie Tooch, Poochie Tooch, Smoochie Tooch and Dookie Tooch are all against Universal Tooch Regulations. But the Booty Tooch, Side Tooch and Goochie Tooch, not to mention the Smize Dance, are all highly acceptable. (For any additional info on any of the above-mentioned Tooches, go somewhere else. That’s all I’m gonna say about that.)
Too-Cool-For-School AzMarie has had it. No butt pad for this girl, who claims it goes against her ever-famous androgynous image. Fair enough, but you know how it goes, girl! You walk out of a challenge, you can pretty much kiss your future as an America’s Next Top Model-winner goodbye. Modeling industry experts don’t look kindly upon individuality.
America’s Next Rap Model
So, the contestants have recorded their rap vocals for their super-duper-hit songs, and it’s time to make some music videos to match. The British team – now called Fiercely British – quickly show the Americans who’s boss. Hey, they even have their own Scary Spice (Annaliese), Ginger Spice-after-the-blond-yoga-makeover (Sophie), Sporty Spice (that would be Catherine) and Alisha … well, she simply impresses the heck out of everyone.
When the American girls (collectively called The United Sirens of America) take the stage, cringe-worthy moments start coming at us like forced Virgin Mobile product placement. (Oh wait, same show.) Incurably awkward Kyle looks like she’s being captured by a night vision camera on Ghost Adventures rather than shaking her booty on ANTM. AzMarie simply looks like she’s so over it.
Too Cool for School
Somehow, music videos are completed, and the ANTM jury is summoned for panel. Who’s going to be “packing their belongings and going home”? Well, it’s no surprise to anyone that Tyra, Nigel Barker, Kelly Cutrone, Jessica Sutta and Nadine Coyle all deem Fiercely British to be the winners of this week’s challenge, with Alisha topping the scoreboard, followed by Sophie, Catherine and Annaliese. The United Sirens of America will lose a group member today, and Seymone, Laura and Eboni all breathe out with a slight Poochie Tooch-sigh of relief when they realize they are the Top 3. Who’s on the chopping block? Kyle and, well — surprise! AzMarie. (Told you you should’ve put on that butt pad!)
AzMarie is sent packing, being told that she doesn’t seem committed enough. Hungry enough. Her ego gets in the way. AzMarie herself says very gracefully off camera: “I feel great about my time here…” and wanders off to do whatever AzMaries do when they’re not refusing to Juicy Tooch on national television. Happy travels, girl.
(Image courtesy of Bravo)