The intro to this episode of America’s Got Talent tells us that “they went big” and now they have “one last chance.” What does that even mean? Does it mean the Vegas round is coming up finally? After this last audition show? But before any of those questions are answered, it’s a review of all the places the auditions have been over the last thousand months. So where are we now? San Francisco?

Oh, who cares, a pig is wearing a tutu! Pigs are really smart, y’all, and Smooch Piggy is about to prove to everyone why you should feel bad when you enjoy bacon. Or so we thought. Smooch doesn’t do a whole lot except lie down, walk around, and bit a horn. Howard reluctantly gave her an X. Smooch was tired from the holding room! Howard said he was feeling crazy, but after a no from Howie and a yes from Sharon, it was as no.

Next, some karate masters from White Tiger Martial Arts hit/slapped each other and it wasn’t a talent. Then, a girl rapped and danced about “female empowerment.” It was predictably bad and sad. Some more dancing was weird, especially that odd Human Centipede dance group.

Next up is a six-year old girl who may or may not have done pageants. She would “buy more headbands” with the prize money. She should not win, America. Our country is in debt and she just wants to buy headbands. Lil Starr is the name, tapping’s the game. She was actually pretty good! It’s hard to say whether it was tapping or just moving her feet around, but at this point in the game it doesn’t matter. Sharon said yes, Howard said no, but Howie says yes so she’s going to Vegas.

A circus/dance group brought the auditions back to a respectable caliber, and a band was good enough to move forward too. A mime dance duo, and another surprising male vocalist went through, then an impressionist and an old lady tap duo that I would happily hire for a party/wig advice.

But how will things go for Real Estate office worker/aspiring stand-up comedian, Jacob Williams? Christ he’s so nervous. His jokes are not bad, though! I like his delivery style, and his punch lines are solid. What a pleasant surprise! VEGAS.

Puerto Rican dance crew, 787 Crew, wants to be the first crew to win AGT. That’s a nice enough goal to have, I suppose. Their stuff is really good, probably some of the best dance group stuff we’ve seen this season, and definitely good enough for America’s Best Dance Crew. To Vegas they go, hopefully to recoup some of that investment in plane tickets.

Tanorexic (wasn’t she on My Strange Addiction?) Trish Paytas is here mostly to see Howard, but also to rap, just to see Howard. She got three X’s pretty quickly. Howard thought it was annoying, Sharon couldn’t understand it, and Trish admits that she just made up a talent to see Howard Stern. Obligingly, he gave her a hug. I smiled at the segment in spite of myself.

Next up is Mark Ofuji, who is a stand-up comedian who does impressions. I’m not sure how this will go. His impressions are unintelligible, and he quickly receives three X’s. His impression of Al Pacino involved saying, “my name is Bond, James Bond.” “I am very confused by you,” Sharon says, and it’s a no.

Can anyone save this disaster of a show? It’s been almost entirely focused on bad auditions! Perhaps Marylou Joiner, daughter of Olympic athletes Flo-Jo and Al Joiner, can help us out. She sings “Gravity” by Sara Bareilles, with an R&B twist. It’s a beautiful song but I have yet to hear it performed as well as the original. I look forward to seeing her sing something else in Las Vegas. And she already had enough votes to go to Las Vegas before Howie brought her dad out to make his grand announcement. Just sayin’.

Does this mean the auditions are finally over? Yes! Was it good for you? Even if it wasn’t, there’s a montage waiting for you to force you to re-live every excruciating moment! Remember how that guy who got hit in the crotch made it through to Vegas? Yeah. At least Vegas Week is a three-night event next week!

(images courtesy of NBC)

Carla Patton

Writer, BuddyTV

Originally from Seattle, Carla recently took a husband and moved to Austin, Texas, where she is finally using her television “problem” to her advantage. It’s sort of like Dexter, but boring and less murdering. Carla’s favorite shows include 30 RockThe Amazing RaceProject RunwayModern Family, anything with murder, and pretty much anything gross and weird (CSIThe BachelorToddlers & Tiaras, etc.). Favorite canceled shows include: Arrested DevelopmentVeronica Mars and Average Joe. In her spare time, Carla leads tours of downtown Austin on a Segway (don’t knock it ’til you’ve tried it!), blogs about Netflix Instant, and visits elementary schools telling children they don’t need math to succeed (just kidding, stay in school, kids).