We saw the first part of the New York auditions last night, and I sincerely doubt anything will be as great as those dogs jumping and flipping around, but hey, I’m willing to see what else New York has to offer. Nick is ready, the judges are ready, Howard’s parents are ready, the crowd is ready. Let’s get to the talent already!

Ronald Charles sings and dances, but doesn’t really do either particularly well on stage in front of the judges. Sharon and Howard buzz him quickly, and then Howie followed suit after Ronald started “singing.” Howard brings his father up on stage, and said, “don’t be stupid, you moron,” then told Ronald Charles he should be thinking about making a living. Howard’s father should be a regular on this show.

Holly and James failed to impress with their roller dancing. Then a mime troupe was bad. Then another guy stood on stage and “played the guitar.” He was also bad.

Many more bad acts later, it was time for ventriloquist and old-Guy-Fieri-hair-haver, John Pizzi. He had a screen with faces of the judges that popped up, and the mouths and eyes moved around in a disconcerting way. I didn’t think his material was very funny or charming, but it WAS weird. I liked it when the baby of Howard and Howie popped up, though. Howie pulled the “I’m not usually a fan of this but you changed my mind” card, and the other judges liked him too. It will be interesting to see what he does next.

Acrobats Donovan and Rebecca are a couple … a couple of strong mofos! This was one of the first things I’ve seen this season that really captivated me. How are they doing that? How can they be so strong? Damn, lady! Sharon said it was like a love scene from a sci-fi movie. It’s a yes for Vegas!

Next, there was a child dance/gymastics group dressed like little genies (genii?), and a band of Asian girls called Ivy Rose. Both acts were good and are bound for Vegas. All-Beef Patty, a drag queen, sings her own songs and is my favorite auditioner to be sandwiched into a montage like this so far.

Tom Cotter is here to “tell jokes.” He knows comedians don’t do well on AGT typically, which makes me root for him. I’m not sure how his act, like any comedy act, will translate to the big stage on AGT, but his act is great. Good schtick. That’s the way to do it on this show, though, joke-joke-joke-joke! The judges loved it, so he’s through.

I like dancer Tyrese “Stepz” Green already because he came with his grandmother. “BRING IT TO LIFE!” she cries from the audience. AHHHHhahaha this guy is so amazing. I love a great locker, and I would contend that he’s a bit better than that other bone-breaker we saw last week. I’m pleased I didn’t have to wait until SYTYCD to see something like this. Howard isn’t sure people would pay for it (but they put the other guy through?), and he doesn’t see where Stepz could take it. Howie disagrees. It falls on Sharon, who gives Stepz another chance in Vegas.

The Savage Men are hot male strippers. What else is there to know? They’re not even together, but they do have lots of muscles. To be fair, this is pretty much exactly a show in Las Vegas already. But it’s not a family show. One guy was peepin’ it from the cheap seats with a pair of binoculars! Before Nick Cannon could get the chance, Howard Stern got up on stage to dance with The Savage Men. I like ’em tall and skinny myself, so I don’t take issue with it. It’s a yes from Howard, but a no from Sharon and Howie.

Carla Patton

Writer, BuddyTV

Originally from Seattle, Carla recently took a husband and moved to Austin, Texas, where she is finally using her television “problem” to her advantage. It’s sort of like Dexter, but boring and less murdering. Carla’s favorite shows include 30 RockThe Amazing RaceProject RunwayModern Family, anything with murder, and pretty much anything gross and weird (CSIThe BachelorToddlers & Tiaras, etc.). Favorite canceled shows include: Arrested DevelopmentVeronica Mars and Average Joe. In her spare time, Carla leads tours of downtown Austin on a Segway (don’t knock it ’til you’ve tried it!), blogs about Netflix Instant, and visits elementary schools telling children they don’t need math to succeed (just kidding, stay in school, kids).