I really thought the America’s Got Talent auditions would be over now. I mean, as far as I’m concerned, they could be. But no, the auditions continue in Tampa Bay, FL. Will tonight’s auditions have an audition that everyone will be talking about tomorrow? I don’t know about that. There’s pirates and a fake Osbourne couple and now, a child dance troupe.

The Untouchables, offshoot of The Miami All-Stars, hit the stage first. They are 8-13 years old, and it just reminds me that I’d rather be watching Dance Moms. These kids are good, though, and there’s not too many of them like there were of the Miami All-Stars. It was a dynamic performance, with lots of fringey pants to look at. They’re going to Vegas, and why wouldn’t they?

The Scott Brothers are a dancing duo who pop and lock like a cartoon. I like this! After them, we met a big, unassuming dude who sings R&B. Then, a magician put a motorcycle inside a box. All good stuff, all going to Vegas.

More puppeteers. I hope they’re better than the ones last week. The puppets are a “worm circus” and I actually adored it. I thought it was spectacular, but the audience started booing almost immediately. Howard and Sharon buzzed it, but Howie jokingly liked it. I genuinely liked it. Whatever. It was a no for them, and a no for Rangers in Reality, who were barely dancing together. Then it was a no for the wacky paper-tearer, nasty air sex guy, and whatever the hell that mask dancing thing was.

Continuing on with the pirate thing, because we’re in a bay and Nick found a ship to be on, it’s Captain Dan and his Scurvy Crew. They’re a rap crew with “buccaneer technique.” This is terrible. Don’t they know that pirates were so 8 years ago? But X marks the spot for Captain Dan and his crew, three X’s to be specific. Howard tells them it was stupid, and pathetic.

Animal acts? Yes please. FINALLY we get to see that water-skiing squirrel. This is all I want for my life. How do you even touch a squirrel, let alone train it to water-ski? Yes, straight to Las Vegas. Who cares. They travel outside for this event, and I can already guarantee it will be worth it. But it will also be difficult to see. Part of a squirrel’s charm is its size! And the fact that it peed on Nick Cannon, which he won’t get over. You GO Twiggy the Waterskiing Squirrel! So sexy and cool! Can he step it up, though? Can he ski through some flaming hoops in Vegas? Howard is a no because it’s not really an act. Howie said yes because he wants to see the squirrel go around again. Sharon says no, because it’s not an act. OH PSHAW. Everyone loves this. Put this on YouTube and I will make it my mission to vote it BACK on to the show.

American BMX Stunt Team
is taking on the stage, which is quite small for a bike trick show. They have a lot of guys, too, so it’s pretty thrilling watching them fly through the air and not into each other. It’s a yes to Vegas.

A fake Ozzy and Sharon came out, so that was weird but it was a yes to Vegas. Some guys twirled guns and they got in, too. Getting in on the ground floor instead of through the YouTube shows, it’s Lindsey Norton, acrobatic dancer. She’s got the goods, though. Spectacular flexibility and expression, and I can acknowledge that it’s good even though some of that bendy stuff freaks me out. It’s a little Dance Moms. Howard tells her she’s everything America should be about. She’s a hard worker, inspirational, and beautiful. It’s a yes, of course.

Another thing we know about Florida? Old people. And the waiting room’s got plenty of them, including this older lady dance group. Good for them, but the act was not good. Then there was another dancing act that wasn’t anything at all but two people stepping side to side. Then one old man danced with two canes and no rhythm. Is that what happens when you age? You just start goin’ around? Then Nick Cannon comes out and makes fun of you?

Now there’s a short guy named Big Barry. He is terrible at singing. I mean truly terrible. He won over a couple ladies in the audience, though, and didn’t get X’d completely out. But Howie loves it, for whatever reason. He has Howard stand next to Big Barry, which is comical enough. Howie says yes to Vegas, Sharon says no, the audience says yes, Howard says yes to prove he’s not heartless. Oh, whatever.

Bye, Tampa, I hope to forget you, or look back on this as a strange dream some day.

(images courtesy of NBC)

Carla Patton

Writer, BuddyTV

Originally from Seattle, Carla recently took a husband and moved to Austin, Texas, where she is finally using her television “problem” to her advantage. It’s sort of like Dexter, but boring and less murdering. Carla’s favorite shows include 30 RockThe Amazing RaceProject RunwayModern Family, anything with murder, and pretty much anything gross and weird (CSIThe BachelorToddlers & Tiaras, etc.). Favorite canceled shows include: Arrested DevelopmentVeronica Mars and Average Joe. In her spare time, Carla leads tours of downtown Austin on a Segway (don’t knock it ’til you’ve tried it!), blogs about Netflix Instant, and visits elementary schools telling children they don’t need math to succeed (just kidding, stay in school, kids).