The second two hours of Tuesday night’s marathon, three-hour borefest on America’s Got Talent was devoted to the Las Vegas callbacks. The callbacks are a bit like waking up the morning after a drunken one-night stand. You thought you went home with Taylor Lautner, but it turns out it was Taylor Hicks. At the time, it seemed like a good idea to say “Yes” to some of these crazy people, but now that the actual competition is upon us, there are regrets.

The regrets start early as the judges decide which acts won’t even get to perform at the callbacks on their bus ride to Las Vegas. I’m reminded of the Italian who gave Homer Simpson his car for the last Krusty Ribwich before eating it and saying “I have-a the buyer’s remorse.”

America’s Got Talent then proceeds to have acts perform again in groups based on their style, and quite frankly, I’d much rather just have them pick the Top 48 and just show us them instead of having to sit through tears and banality. We get danger acts, vocal groups, acrobats, magicians, animals, classical singers, bands, dancers, singers, comedians and novelty acts.

To save everyone some time, here are the 31 acts from tonight who actually matter and make it through to the live shows.

Team iLuminate: Dance troupe with a laser light show
Miami All-Stars: Dance troupe
Silhouettes: Dance troupe
Fatally Unique: Dance troupe
Snap Boogie: Dancer
Steven Retchless: Pole dancer
Zuma Zuma: Acrobats
The Daring Jones Duo: Trapeze artists
Summerwind Skippers: Jump rope team

Captain Stab Tuggo: Guy who swallows clothes hangers
Fearless Flores Family: Stunt bikers
Professor Splash: High diver
Rhinestone Ropers: Skill performers
Frank Miles: Stunt juggler
Charles Peachock: Stunt juggler
Yellow Design Stunt Team: Stunt bikers

Pop Lite: Kid band
Fiddleheads: Fiddle band
Mona Lisa: Girl singing group
Dezmond Meeks: Singer
Landau Eugene Murphy, Jr.: Singer
Dani Shay: Singer
Lys Agnes: Opera singer
Squawk Opera: Opera singers

Melissa Villasenor: Comedian and impressionist
J. Chris Newberg: Guitar-playing comedian
Gichi Guy: Comedian
Scott Alexander: Magician
Those Funny Little People: Dancing gnomes
The Kinetic King: Trick designer
Echo: Talking parrot

That’s 31 of the Top 48 acts, and I’m happy to see so few kids. I’m gonna spend the rest of the season rooting for pole dancer Steven Retchless as my favorite, though Team iLuminate should easily win.

(Image courtesy of NBC)

John Kubicek

Senior Writer, BuddyTV

John watches nearly every show on TV, but he specializes in sci-fi/fantasy like The Vampire DiariesSupernatural and True Blood. However, he can also be found writing about everything from Survivor and Glee to One Tree Hill and Smallville.