The sadistic programming execs over at NBC are under the impression that we need three-and-a-half hours of America’s Got Talent this week. Maybe these episodes are meant to tide us over during the Olympics, which begin tomorrow and will preempt the show until August 26. Sure, people doing gymnastics and running track is impressive, but what will we do without our Ozzy Osbourne impersonators and four-year-old singing sensations? Where are their gold medals?
On Tuesday’s episode of America’s Got Talent, the 113 acts were whittled down to 60. Tonight, the top 40 will finally be determined. Will Man Tina and Boy Britney both make the cut?
After a montage of the most memorable acts, the judges call Underwhelming Elvis Joseph Hall out to the stage. Sharon Osbourne reminds him that his second performance wasn’t as good as his first, but she puts him through to the top 40 anyway. Dueling R&B singers Kyle Rifkin and Bryan Cheatham are up next. Bryan makes it through while David Cook’s overplayed “Time of My Life” blares on the soundtrack, but Kyle gets sent home. Also, after Googling Bryan’s name I just saw way too many pictures of him in his Chippendale’s outfit.
The sibling violinist act known as Nothing But Strings is called out to the stage to face down the Hoff and His Amazing Friends. Piers Morgan reminds them that their second audition wasn’t as good as their first (I’m sensing a theme), but they get the green light anyway. There’s a montage of other acts that make it through, including Man Tina, a De Niro impersonator, and that group that tosses a woman high into the air. The Indigo Sisters, who you may remember as the duo who warbled through “Viva Las Vegas” and “New York, New York,” also make it through. They nearly keel over on stage, shocked that their lack of talent has paid off on a talent show.
Sinatra impersonator Paul Salos has been trying to break into the business his entire life, which is kind of depressing. The judges decide to throw the 71-year-old a bone and put him through. Adorable little four-year-old Kaitlin Mayer makes it to the semi-finals based on her cuteness alone, which kind of bugs me. It’s not like I want to see the girl get her heart broken by the star of Baywatch, but she’s really not top 40 material.
Daniel Jens, a victim of Second Audition Wasn’t As Good As The First Syndrome, gets a thumbs up to the sounds of Mariah Carey’s “Hero.” These cheesy inspirational songs are killing me. Opera singing drag queen Chiquita makes it through, and even rips her wig off in celebration! That awkward father-daughter duo who pretend to beat each other up somehow get the green light, as does the extremely inspirational Queen Emily. The Queen has a nervous breakdown on stage and has to be comforted in the manly arms of one David Hasselhoff.
Remember baton-twirling teen Jonathan Burkin? The one with the sob story about how he gets bullied for flinging around flaming sticks all day? He makes it through while wearing a bedazzled shirt, which will do nothing but exacerbate the mockery. Jessica Price, who sang “I Can’t Make You Love Me,” lacked confidence during her audition, but still goes on to the semi-finals.
Mulletted sword swallower Dan Meyer gets sent home, and his exit kicks off a montage of goodbyes set to a Spice Girls ballad. The music choices on this show baffle me. That woman who shoots sparks from her crotch also gets the boot, as does cute autistic boy Daniel Militello. Lil’ Countrie and Page 1ne, the spelling-challenged dancing duo who wowed the judges in Chicago, get rejected by the Hoff. They don’t even get a Spice Girls song to comfort them. Come on America’s Got Talent, give me a little “Spice Up Your Life.”
Finally, it’s time to answer the question we’ve been agonizing over our entire lives: What will happen to Boy Britney? I’m happy to report he makes it through to the semi-finals while the real Britney’s “Everytime” starts up in the background. I totally love that song, as well as the weird video where Britney gets chased by paparazzi and kind of kills herself in the bathtub, but it’s not blood you guys, just a Kabbalah bracelet. Oh Britney, such the little scamp!
Nineteen-year-old dancer Xclusive gets the boot, proving that the judges aren’t fans of the Inspector Gadget theme song. Donald Braswell sang that hideous Josh Groban song during the auditions, and though he came packaged with a sob story, he doesn’t make it through. See, Josh Groban songs don’t do anyone any good. The group dressed as inflatable animals takes the stage next, which is a hilarious sight to see. I’m not sure I agree with the decision, but they make it through. Is anyone going to pay money to see an inflatable Orca boogie on a Vegas stage?
Many other dance groups make it to the semi-finals, including Sickstep, the shirtless cowboys, and the Beyond Belief Dance Company. The Sterling Silver Cloggers get the boot, and it’s hilarious to hear their clogs tap away as they sadly mope off stage. Opera singers Michael Strelo Smith and Neil E. Boyd waddle their way to the next round. R. Kelly’s “I’m Your Angel” blares from the TV as they break down in tears, but it’d be a lot funnier if “Trapped in the Closet” played instead.
That should be the entire top 40, but Jerry Springer reveals that tragedy has struck! Christine from the Russian Bar Trio, also known as the woman who gets tossed into the air with wild abandon, suffered an injury after the taping of the show. Now America gets to vote to decide who deserves the final spot in the top 40. The choices are: Josh Groban-loving Donald Braswell, contortionist Victoria Jacoby, dancing duo Junior and Emily, Lil’ Countrie and Page 1ne, sword swallower Dan Meyer, the crotch sparking Miss Pussykatt, R&B singer Kyle Rifkin, and Inspector Gadget fan Xclusive. You can vote at NBC.com, and the winner will be revealed when the show returns after the Olympics.
– Don Williams, BuddyTV Staff Writer
(Image courtesy of NBC)