Previously on The Real Housewives of New York
: LuAnn is happy that Heather didn't invite Ramona to London, and Ramona reacts to her non-invitation by crying pinot grigio tears and, literally, nearly biting the head off her BFF Sonja like an angry little Bichon Frise for not being mad at Heather for not inviting her to London. Got all that? Good, because these ladies aren't about to slow down.
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Aviva meets Heather in Central Park, at seemingly the same exact bench where Ramona and LuAnn had it out
earlier this season, to chat about Aviva's new favorite subject: Ramona. So far, the read on Aviva is unclear. It is clear that she is a tall, blonde goddess, but it's unclear on whether she is team Ramona or team anyone else and therefore awesome.
Anyway, Aviva accuses Heather of excluding Ramona and therefore making an enemy, like Ramona is someone who should be feared and Heather is going to wake up the next day with a bloody horse head in her bed. At the same rate, Aviva continues to insist that there is no alliance between her and Ramona in a way that indicates there clearly is. But Heather holds her ground, eventually relenting to Aviva that she's going to London to "let her hair down" and "leave all the BS behind," and that in this case, the "BS" stands for "Ramona Singer." She also manages to assure that her and Aviva are still cool by calling her things like "Aviv-vees" and "bubba." Cringe.
Meanwhile, LuAnn meets with an acupuncture fertility specialist, because apparently that's a thing rich women who are trying to get pregnant in their late 40's do. The Countess seems to forget her manners for a minute while she talks about how her and Jacques are trying to get pregnant the old fashion way: by having lots of sex. She also talks about a very un-Countess-like subject: her PERIOD ... DUN DUN DUN. Then we get to see her get pins pushed into her ovaries while she claims to feel an instantaneous change in her body. That's right, LuAnn. They pinned your ovaries and now you're preggo. Mazel.
Heather takes her six-year-old son, Jax, to the doctor because he suffers from a rare liver disease. He received an organ from a donor and now Heather is very active in raising organ donor awareness. It's all very touching, and then you remember how she says "holla" in her intro and you're back to cringing in no time.
Now it's time for Aviva to meet with Sonja and continue to talk about Ramona. She basically reiterates everything she's already said to Heather and tries to get Sonja on Ramona's and her side. Sonja is understanding and fabulous (as always) and says though she loves Ramona, she's stopped trying to get normal and rational people to tolerate her. She says she isn't mad about how Ramona talked to her at her party, that it was just "Ramona being Ramona."
Aviva also asks Sonja to help her cater/throw a party for her and Reid's five-year anniversary party. Sonja agrees and assures Aviva that she won't be serving pizza bagels. It's sad thinking about how poor Aviva has probably gone through her whole stick-thin life without ever even trying a pizza bagel. Forget her loss of limb -- this is probably the most tragic aspect of her life.
Next, we get a cute little scene of Sonja wearing a house robe and glasses on the tip of her nose while giving her interns orders on which bills to pay and which to ignore. Of course Sonja needs interns, darling! She has 200 e-mails a day to answer and needs help remembering when to take her head vitamins and her poop vitamins because, quote, "You don't want poop to fall out of your mouth or brains to fall out your ass." Sonja Morgan, ladies and gentlemen.
While Sonja is taking vitamins for her various bodily functions and inching not-so-slightly into spinsterhood, Carole, the queen -- princess -- goes on a date with a scruffy, accented man. They give each other her bios, but Carole seems disinterested after finding out he is only 31. Since she only goes for men her age (from 37-45) she dismissed the scruffy, accented man whilst he still tries to pick her up, completely unaware. Poor scruffy, accented man, he didn't even realize he was getting blown off on TV.
Ramona is winning some award. And contrary to what one might think, the award is for being a good businesswoman and not for being a rude drunk, which she clearly is after barely being able to find the stage and then loudly insulting other speakers.
She continues to prove how much she deserves the rude, drunk award by stumbling into a lunch meeting with Carole. During their lunch, Carole tries to advise Ramona not to confront Heather using logic and reason, two things Ramona is definitely not familiar with. The two of them wander over to meet Aviva and Heather, where Heather has already told everyone at the boutique they are shopping at to "LOOK AT AVIV-VEES. HER LEG IS FAKE. ISN'T THAT, LIKE, SOOO COOL?" Well, not quite that, but she might as well have.
At the store, Heather and the shop owner insist that Ramona needs a makeover. Heather says that Ramona "has the strapless satin thing down, but she's in a rut." OH SNAP. Ramona's eyes haven't bugged so hard since Alex McCord brought her husband Simon to an all girls dinner.
Ramona's irritability prompts yet another sit-down confrontation between Ramona and Heather. Only this time, they both agree that their misunderstanding is Aviva's fault. They drag her over to accuse her of causing the miscommunication between the two and it's heinous and awkward. Heather tells Ramona she didn't mean to make her feel excluded by not inviting her to London, but she is still not invited to London. Ramona huffs away, pretending to not be offended.
Just before the end of their shopping trip, Carole receives a call from her agent telling her that the novel she has been working on for the past four years, The Widow's Guide to Sex and Dating
, has been picked up for a television adaptation. All of the girls are thrilled for Carole and offer their congratulations, and then here comes the Troll Ramona, also announcing that her Ramona Pinot Grigio will be sold at Target stores. Carole is stung, but not enough to make an issue of it, and thus maintaining her status of coolest New York housewife yet.
Next week, the ladies, sans Aviva and Ramona, make the trip across the pond. Cheerio then, darlings!
(Image courtesy of Bravo)
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