'Real Housewives of Beverly Hills' Recap: Sur-vival of the Fittest
'Real Housewives of Beverly Hills' Recap: Sur-vival of the Fittest
We're back from Hawaii just in time for the opening of Sur, Lisa's new bar/restaurant/whatever. It's for rich people! Kyle tells her daughter, Farrah, about Taylor leaving Russell as though it were an afterthought. But more importantly, Kyle has "Post Traumatic Stress Disorder" thanks to her fight with Kim. Way to make light of PTSD, Kyle, it's cute and fun.

Powder on the floor, must be Kim's hotel room as she prepares for the party! And also she accidentally put a vibrator in her purse that she didn't remember purchasing? Anyway, the hotel room is a mess and Kim asks Ken, in a quavery voice, to charge her phone as she gets her makeup done. Ken offers her a soda with ice, and she rolls her eyes because she doesn't like ice.

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"This is the kind of stuff he does!" She laughs, giving her makeup artist that "what can ya do" look. Such a challenge. But so is looking at him, right? Do you think if a Treasure Troll grew up and lived a little too hard it would look like Ken? Kim tells her makeup artist that if there's trouble, she will be out the door. It's how adults handle conflict.

At last, Sur is opening, and at last, Brandi arrives in a tight bandage dress that she had to tape her chi-chis into. I loved when Bernie showed up and Lisa had no idea who he was. Take that, saucy Adrienne's chef.

"You know what's funny?" Brandi says, about something that's not funny, "that waitress slept with Eddie while we were married." The waitress hears Brandi say something, and approaches Lisa,

"Sowwwwww, Brandi? I kinda used to date her husband." What a little slut pig. The waitress asks to be excused, because she's got ho'in to do! So Scheana (that's a name!) is asked to leave. Then Camille showed up looking stunning as usual. She mentions Pandora's wedding, which I had almost completely forgotten about.

OOF, Kyle's dress! It's awful. Why do I love Camille and hate Kyle this season? I don't hate her, I just don't like her, or her boobs in that dress.

My god, have you ever made your hotel room so messy in a matter of hours as Kim and Ken did? And have you ever dated a man so controlling that he needed to dress you? There was seriously stuff everywhere, in heaps. Ken asks Kim to get going, and Kim is looking through five different purses for her "medicine." I only put it in quotes because the music seemed like maybe it was more serious than medicine? I don't know, it was some dramatic music.

RuPaul was at the Sur opening!! He said you're born naked and the rest is drag! I love RuPaul, and can't wait for the next season of RuPaul's Drag Race to start. Unfortunately, we couldn't get any more of Ru and Paul's conversation, because Cedric showed up.

Lisa notices Cedric and looks PISSED, then asks him what he's doing here and tells him to GTFO. Because Ken and Lisa HATE Cedric. Why did he think it would be cool to show up and wish her well? Then air kiss all her friends on his way out with that nasty looking girl and her half ponytail? The nerve.

Meanwhile, Taylor and a different dog (I thought Kennedy was allergic?) answer the door for that creepy therapist. He checks out Taylor's reward chart that she made for Kennedy, and doesn't blink as many times as a non-robot would.

Oh, and since everybody's enemies are showing up, Paul's ex-girlfriend is hanging out at Sur, too. We just need Kim and Ken to show up, but Kim is distracted by the buttons and garbage in the limo. She is hotter a mess than we've ever seen her. The strap on her dress is falling down, and she is having Ken remove her bra with the clear straps. The music, you guys. THe music!

OK, wait, is Taylor taking her therapist to the opening of Sur?? Is he getting paid for this? Oh my god, what is that about. So Kim finally pours herself out of the limo and Kyle over-reacts by guzzling her drink. They greet one another, complimenting their looks and weight, and it makes Kyle cry for some reason. "I'm fine, I'm fine!"

Some redhead grabs Kim's bony little arm and tells her there are people who need to see her. Ken, looming over her shoulder, tells her to stay close because he "lost [her] there for a minute." AAAGHHH! So scary. Kim finds a surge of energy from one of the four pills she's taking and throws her branchy arms around Adrienne and Paul, then decides to tell Adrienne she's moving out. Adrienne tries to tell her she might just need support, but Kim wasn't even paying attention anymore. Then Kim brings Adrienne into the bathroom. But the mics were still on!

Kim tells Adrienne that Ken is a controlling nightmare, and Adrienne requests that Kyle deal with this mess. Kyle and Kim take a seat outside, and Kim tells Kyle that it's not working with Ken. No one is shocked. From what Kim is relaying about Ken, he sounds absolutely terrible, but Kim also sounds a mess. Kim admits that she hates being alone, and that she wants to move out. Then Kyle demands an apology from Kim. Ahhh its a big mess, and Kim was reaching for a flower off of the table but got mad at Kyle for taking it from her.

And then, there's SOMETHING ELSE: Kim thinks she might be pregnant? She's 3 months late. Kyle suggests that it might be menopause, to which Kim says, "I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHER BABY!" then decides she doesn't want one. Kim is scared to take the pregnancy test, like Bella was scared her baby might be a demon consuming her.

And then Taylor showed up with her therapist. Lisa notices the bruising under Taylor's eye, and Taylor says she needs to talk to everyone. Well, Taylor's therapist has everyone sit down. At a god damn restaurant opening! Anyway, Taylor starts crying and apologizing for her absolutely crazy behavior. The therapist sits at the head of the table and moderates the conversation.

The Housewives tell Taylor that it was weird to see her continually going back to an abusive relationship, they don't understand it. Then Adrienne speaks for Camille, and tells that awful therapist that they can't be honest because they're scared of getting sued. Oh, and Kim is in the bathroom.

Taylor tells Her Story and it involves telling the truth about the abuse. It was the last straw. Speaking of last straws, Ken is waiting for a petulant Kim outside the bathroom, practically huffing and puffing to blow the door down.

Taylor, whose hair looks great, apologized to the Housewives, in particular Camille. These friendships are so valuable to her and the therapist's business. Kyle and Lisa say Taylor doesn't owe them an apology, but Adrienne and Camille disagree. Everything's fine in the end, and Kim came out of the bathroom saying "woo woo woo-woo."

You know who didn't make the cut for this episode, and probably next season? Dana.

(images courtesy of Bravo)

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