'The Bachelor' 14 Episode 5 Recap: I Left My Heart (and Brain, and Dignity) in San Francisco...
'The Bachelor' 14 Episode 5 Recap: I Left My Heart (and Brain, and Dignity) in San Francisco...
Meghan Carlson
Meghan Carlson
Senior Writer, BuddyTV
It's down to the final five women competing for Jake Pavelka's heart on The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love, and the tension, drama, and emotions will only continue to build up until the season finale on March 1.

Starting tonight, I'll be livethoughting (livethinking?) my recaps of the final five episodes, giving us all a place to read, laugh and comment along as these epic 2-hour night episodes go down in REAL TIME. But don't worry, I'll still provide the same brand of wit and embarrassing screenshots of the girls that you have come to both expect and adore. Yes, you're welcome.

Tonight: San Francisco provides a beautiful backdrop to Vienna's ugliness (she's the devil, remember? ABC says so!) and the other four girls try to get in enough kisses with Jake to make it to next week's hometown dates. Read the full episode 5 preview.

But before we get into it, this is your last chance to participate in our very scientific, very important Bachelor-nation census poll: Who's Best for Jake, and Who's Just a Mistake? In the race to be Jake's best option, Tenley and Ali are ahead, and it's just too close to call right now. Meanwhile, Vienna is leading by a landslide in the race to be Jake's biggest mistake. If you haven't already, vote now!

The episode starts out with a recap of last week's bloodbath, and reminds us that Ali (and everyone else) hates Vienna--and vice versa--and it looks like each of them might confront Jake about their feelings of deep loathing. Joy!

The RV drops off Tenley, Ali, Vienna, Gia and Corrie in San Francisco. Ali lives there, so she's "absolutely thrilled" they're going there next. Hometown advantage! She might need it.

Jake shows the girls their SF hotel suite, which is huge enough that Ali and Vienna might never even need to see each other. Vienna is thrilled to be "treated like a princess." If Jake's going to keep her around, he might want to get used to the "5-star or no-sex" princess ultimatum.

Jake drops off his first date card: it's a one-on-one for Tenley, and the card says "Let's get our love on track in San Francisco." There's a lot of jumping up and down because EXCITEMENT! But then... oh no! "It's becoming real" for Tenley, and she starts to sweat. Maybe that was all the jumping? Nope, it's nerves. Don't worry Tenley, you're the only one who's kind of, like, a real person!

Date #1: Tenley

They board their very own cable car for a tour of SF, and it's all "divorce, divorce, divorce" talk in the private interviews. They seem to be bonding over her past heartache? On the date, Jake and Tenley explore Chinatown and have fun with stereotypes!

china-hats.jpg"I'm a braided boy!"
"I like the rice!"


They share a make-out over some afternoon tea, just like in the motherland. (Not theirs.)

Jake decides he'd like to "get in her head," but he's not talking Tenley-lobotomy. He wants to know what she wants in a marriage. (Might she say, "It can only go up from here"?)

Back at the hotel suite...
Corrie reads a two-on-one date card as "Ali and Vienna," but she's just a JOKESTER! It's actually for Gia and Vienna. Vienna is mad because Ali says she wants to "throw up" over Corrie's "joke," and then Ali gets mad when Vienna gets mad about how Ali is mad... anyway, Ali says "It's not personal," which is a lie, and Vienna says "Everything I've said has been the truth, I don't talk bad about people" which is probably also a lie, but I'm not sure, because we never see the footage. WHERE'S THE FOOTAGE?

"This isn't about who's a better person." - Ali(e). Get it? That was also A LIE, courtesy of Ali. You get it.

This feud is already older than Letterman v. Leno, and those guys are like a combined 3,000 years old!

Back on Tenley's date: Jake and Tenley go to Coit Tower, and they're eating on the roof! (If you're playing On the Wings of Fun (TM), drink now. Actually, just keep the drink at your lips at all times.)

The ghost of Tenley's ex continues to haunt the date, and Jake starts off the "romantic" date with "What mistakes in your marriage did you make?" Yikes. Tenley takes it in stride, and says she wishes she'd cherished all the good times as they happened. She strikes back with "What expectations for marriage do YOU have, Jake?" and he says his wife's got to have his back (because of all the bar fights he gets in), and she needs to love, honor and respect him even when he hurts her feelings (which he will, OH YOU BETCHA he will).

"AWESOME! SIGN ME UP!" - Tenley's cute little naive face, God bless her

"Tenley is really passionate about being in love." - Jake Pavelka, poet of the skies

Jake says the woman he marries will be the last woman he looks at. Don't you wish there was a Bachelor: Pinocchio Edition? The noses would be so long by now... And we'd finally get a real boy on the show. (Zing!)

Jake and Tenley open fortune cookes (CHINATOWN!) and they both say "Kiss me." As they say, "great loins think alike."

Date #2: Gia and Vienna

In the morning, the girls find a massive chest outside their door, and inside are more "options" to get decked out for their date: clothes galore! OMG!

Vienna and Gia pick their 'fits and get in a limo headed for Napa Valley. Vienna tells Gia the doubleness of this date is going to be hard for her because she has "such a strong relationship with Jake," but instead of saying "Here comes my fist," Gia says, "I know!" which is odd. Very odd. In 20 minutes maybe she'll realize that was a burn. (Gia is kind of slow, but soooo prettyyyyyy.)

They reach a castle, which really helps Vienna's delusions that she is a princess.

"I'm my Dad's princess and now I'm Jake's queen and he's my..." [then I plugged my ears to help from dying]

Jake toasts the girls, and during the conversation Gia feels like a "third wheel," but mostly because Vienna just doesn't shut up.

It's time for an inside picnic (tables are so 2004) in the castle, and Vienna keeps on keeping Jake's attention by blah-blah-blahing, and she says she wants to talk to Jake about "what went down" at the last rose ceremony. She almost cries as she tells Jake that Ali was complaining about Vienna's remaining in the competition, and Jake says "I don't care what other people think." He says he "confidently" kept Vienna there. Whoops, that's your brain, Jake! Making mistakes: you're doing it right.

Jake steals Gia, and she says to Vienna, "You can eat my salmon," which is the new-age Bart Simpson "Eat my shorts."

Gia claims she is the "most insecure" girl here, and she tells Jake she doesn't feel special when she finds out he says the same things to the other girls. Watch out, Jake: THEY KNOW YOUR (THREE) MOVES! But he recovers well, complimenting her soul and her bangin' bod in the same breath. Cue make-out.

"Is it okay to fall?" - Gia
"It's okay to fall." - Jake (Any joke here would just be superfluous. I mean, COME ON.)

Meanwhile, Vienna gets bored by herself, and goes out with a lantern looking for the castle's make-out wing. She can't find it. Damsel in distress can't find her prince charming, because prince's tongue is down other princess's throat. Still feel like you're "in a fairytale," Vienna?

Vienna starts to freak out because she's lost "in the dungeon room," but eventually she finds the room, and she says "it's not even funny!" But it is. It really is.

It's her turn for alone time. Jake asks what her married life would be like, and she says fun, love, travel, passion, blah blah, the usual. She actually shows an enthusiastic, sweet side with Jake, but he's a little distant, probably because he can still taste Gia's saliva.

Back at the suite, Corrie gets her one-on-one date card, which says "Love is a walk in the park." If this show has taught us ANYTHING, it's that that is not true.

But the date's not over yeeeet. Vienna sneaks out of her castle room and goes to Jake's for an in-bed nightcap. She toasts to "not having to go back to her bed tonight." Right.

vienna-bedbug.jpg This bedbug BITES!

Jake's POV: Vienna walks into his room "sexy as hell," and he says he had "dirty thoughts," but kept it rated G... for Gia's sake. How noble. He sends her away with a kiss, and she leaves feeling "unsure," wondering if she hurt her chances by coming on so strong. I'd like to think "yes," but my knowledge of Jake's brain thus far is telling me, "Golly gee, shucks, bless her heart, no."


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