When we last left the macaroni rascals, mid-way through their adventure in Italy and yet to step foot in a cathedral, a museum or any sort of culturally relevant landmark whatsoever, Snooki had just given up on driving ... mid-driving ... and slammed
MTV's Fiat into an Italian police car. As the injured officers were led away on stretchers and in neck braces, Snooki expressed her remorse the only way she knew how: "SHUT. UP. Pleeeeease? I don't want to go there! [To jail.] Pleeeeease!"
So what now? Is Snooki holed up in a grimy Italian prison cell, trading her meatball lovin' for actual meatballs with a wizened old Italian gypsy named Giuseppina?
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... No. While that would be a compelling plot twist, instead, the boys
(MTV producers) simply fill out pages and pages of paperwork, and the
Snooki is released back into the wild. The upside: She is no longer
allowed to drive in Italy.
Back in the sweet, sweet land of freedom, Snooki immediately calls her
boyfriend, who is supposed to come visit soon, along with Jenni's
boyfriend Roger. But the rumor is that Roger isn't coming anymore
because he can't get off work. ("Work?" "What is this ... WORK?") The
girls are dismayed and disgusted by this news: "I instantly want to
throw up," says Jenni.
It's actually really sad. She misses her
boyfriend! Jenni starts crying when she calls Roger and confirms that he
can't come visit. "I just wanted to see you," she says between tears.
We've never seen her so vulnerable. It's sweet, but sort of strange and
disarming, like seeing a crying rottweiler -- it's less scary than
usual, but it's just not right.
Shakespearean Comedy Plots Gone Wild
The girls and boys split up for the night, and the girls make it
"Jenni's Night!" to make sure she gets her mind off of Roger. Of course
that means the night should actually be called: "Jenni Gets Suuuuper
Snooki decides to stay home for the evening, and all of a sudden, the
doorbell rings. It's a girl named "Brittany," whom I do not remember at
all, but apparently she is one of The Situation's random whores. I don't
know why the show expects me to remember them if the guy f*cking them
can't even seem to.
Snooki lets Brittany into the house with a wicked REVENGE plot in mind:
She'll put this random whore in Mike's bed, because Mike is guaranteed
to come home with another random whore. And then his plans to f*ck
either of the random whores will be foiled. FOILED, I SAY!
The girls come home before Mike and decide to help Snooki in her prank,
which she's doing to get back at Mike for tellin' lies about her MAN!
The girls tell "Brittany" to get in her boyfriend Mike's bed and then
have sex with her new boyfriend Mike and then in the morning be his
future bride and have all his babies forever and ever. At some point, I
think before she even showed up, Brittany got juuuuuust drunk enough to
believe their lies. but still have motor skills. The perfect amount. She jumps in the bed and
Mike arrives with the nameless slut he intends to lay this evening, and
discovers that ANOTHER slightly-less-nameless slut, BRITTANY, is already
there! What Snooki doesn't realize is that she's basically
hand-delivered Mike an easy lay, so he sends the new girl, an
Australian, away. She seems confused but a little relieved. Mike happily
settles in with the one who's "DTF," because all that ever mattered was
the access to the hole, not which specific human it belongs to. I can't
believe I even had to describe that scenario and the various
motivations behind it. I feel like the Whores Whisperer.
Jionni's Here! Hi, Jionni!
Snooki's boyfriend comes to visit, and her boobs are so excited that
they can't contain themselves! She starts crying when she sees him and
they share a long, surprisingly situationally-appropriate hug. "Jionni's
like my world. Jionni's like Crocadilly, but alive!" That is the grown
woman (Snooki) comparing her love for her boyfriend for her love for her
favorite stuffed animal. Just so we're clear.
Jionni can't even get his suitcase down before Snooki pushes him into
the "Smush Room" and gets to the business. ("the business" = "the
intercourse") Mike is all tense, thinking that Jionni "knows" about his
sexual past with Snooki and wants to fight him. He shows the other
roommates his moves. His KARATE MOVES! Deena just laughs. She knows
there's no use trying to talk sense to him. Mike is a mental six year
old. "Alright, Mike. Do your thing, Kungfu Panda," she says.
So it's been four seasons, but we're still learning new things about
these Jersey Shore
kids! For instance, tonight we learned that when Mike
feels threatened, he kicks. Because he feels intensely (unjustifiably)
threatened by Jionni, Mike spends the entire evening talking about how
if Jionni comes within a foot of him, he will "kick him the head." At
one point he even says in Snooki's ear, "I don't want to kick your
boyfriend in the head, but..."
... but Mike doesn't even need to TRY to break up Snooki and Jionni,
because they're doing an efficient enough job of it themselves. Jionni's Gone! Bye, Jionni!
Snooki gets drunk on the dancefloor and pulls a simple "hump the bench
and show my vagina to the room" dance move, and Jionni gets disgusted
and embarrassed and storms out of the club.
Snooki runs after him and freaks out when Jionni won't slow down and
talk to her. He disappears like the White* Rabbit! (*Orange) Jenni
screams at Snooki, "You're acting like a f*cking A**HOLE!" Snooki
screams back, "I HATE YOU!" This goes on for many minutes as they clomp
around the Italian cobblestone streets looking for her lost boyfriend. I
can't figure out why they started screaming at each other in the first
place but it doesn't really matter, because Snooki is wasted and
hysterical and dressed like Hooker Minnie Mouse, so "logic" isn't really
her strong suit right now/ever.
Ronnie finally catches up with Jionni, and tries to calm him down, bro
to bro. He gives the best advice he can: "Talk to her." Jionni runs away
again, and that was the extent of his ability to help anyway
(relationships aren't Ronnie's strong suit now/ever) so Ronnie gives up
and lets him go. The girls comfort Snooki and usher her home while Jenni
chases after Jionni again. Snooki cries herself into exhaustion and
goes to sleep before Jionni comes home. It appears that he plans to
spend the night on a bench.
Jenni comes home, Jionni-less, and everyone feels terrible for Snooki,
but no one knows how to help. They decide the best thing to do is to
turn the impending fight into a tailgating activity, so the boys make
burgers on the grill "and wait for this thing to pop off."
And pop off it DOES! Jionni comes back to the house and Snooki lets him
in. He storms past her and refuses to talk to her. "Get away from me,"
he says over and over. Snooki tries to get her message across: "You're
so mean! I hate you! I f*cking love you, you dick! I hate you!" WHY
DOESN'T HE UNDERSTAND?
As she watches Snooki and Jionni hold a live performance of human
horrors before their eyes, Sammi FINALLY realizes what a traumatic
burden she was on all her housemates every time she and Ronnie fought.
Sammi's a visual learner. "Now I get it, I'm sorry!" she says. Whoa ... a
moment of self-awareness! Cancellation can't be far off now.
The episode ends on Jionni leaving with his suitcase as Snooki cries
under the covers. The housemates decide Jionni is a "wankster." Sure,
Snooki gets publicly slutty when she's drunk, but he knew that when he
met her! You can't ask a bird not to sing. You can't ask a star not to
shine. You can't ask a Snooki not to expose her genitals to strangers.
"You traveled 21 hours to get here and you left after six because of a
fight. What does that say about you?" JWoww says of Jionni. More like
Jionni comes back, but the roommates don't think Snooki
should give him another shot. Especially Mike, who uses it as an
opportunity to profess his love.
(Images courtesy of MTV)