If you need proof that the length of a book's title is NOT directly proportional to the amount of substative information within the book, you need look no further than Here's the Situation: A Guide to Creeping on Chicks, Avoiding Grenades, and Getting Your GTL on the Jersey Shore, by Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino. The book hit stores yesterday, and today the Washington Post is the first (of what I hope will be many) to use the book's own contents against it in a quote-by-quote half-laugh, half-cringe inducing assessment.

Which is blissfully convenient for people like you and me, who really wanted to know how The Situation's unique manner of speaking and idiotic philosophy translate to the page, but have too much self-respect to actually purchase a copy. Here, thanks to the Post and Jezebel, who did the hard work of actually sifting through the manual's pages, I've compiled the best/worst quotes from Here's the Situation. Judging from their assessment that the book is "light on text and heavy on doodles and graphics--pretty similar to The Situation's brain," I'm fairly certain this is all we ever need to know about its contents. Or ever want to know.

About his qualifications to impart such important, complex knowledge:

"As a certified personal trainer, a former professional underpants model, and a guy who looks like Rambo, pretty much, with his shirt off, I know a thing or two about physical fitness. Now I may be blessed with superior genetics, but I still hit the gym hard for ninety minutes, five or six days per week."

Professor Situation, at your service. (If "your service" is talking about himself!)

On why women actually like to be stalked, harassed and sexually targeted:

"Now, chicks may object that bros simply look at them as creeping targets. But chicks like being crept on. Sure, they'll tell you that they go to clubs simply to dance and have fun with friends. But take it from the Sitch, single people are at the club for one reason and one reason only: to not be single anymore. Even if it's just for that night."

Go full speed ahead with this advice. It'll hold up in court, I'm sure.

On fashion:

"No matter what T-shirt you select, whether it's fitted, graphic, sequined, bedazzled, crew-neck, deep-V, wifebeater, or what-have-you, it's about being proud of who you are. If you want to bust out a deep-V that's safety-cone orange because you think that's your color, then wear the hell out of that fruity shirt so everybody in the club knows that nobody owns it like you do. Set the trends, don't follow them. I wear what makes me feel good because I'm at the tip of the spear--the cutting edge of fashion that's fresh to death."

Yeah, go ahead and wear that "fruity" shirt, dude! He's totally supportive, can't you tell? Also: "spear," "cutting edge" and "fresh to death" all in one sentence? Lay off the murder talk, bro. It's just clothes.

On grenade psychology:
 
"Nine out of ten times, the grenade is a grenade because she's ugly and fat. She's mad at you and at life because everyone is more interested in her hot friend. (On rare occasions, a cute girl can slide into grenade status because of a horribly bitchy personality, or for being obsessive and possessive about the guy she wants to be with."

Ohhhh, that's why I'm so bitchy and miserable when someone insults me and then just flat out refuses to sexually harass me! Because I'm mad at life. KA-BOOM!

His very best relationship advice:
 
"A common mistake guys make is in treating a girl -- any girl -- like gold. It's the law of diminishing returns, bro. If you always treat a girl like a princess, she's going to get bored. You present no challenge for her. Take it from the Sitch, girls want to work for love."

Women: We--all of us, any of us, always--really are the worst, aren't we?

On beverages:

"Personally, my favorite drink in the club is anything given to me for free, because I'm famous."

Helpful!

On "haters":
 
"Whenever you attempt to do something extraordinary in your life, whenever you put yourself out there in an attempt to succeed and in turn risk falling flat on your face, there are going to be people on the sidelines second-guessing you and making fun of you as a mechanism to disguise their own fear and envy for the life they're watching you achieve. Those people are called haters. Attention, haters: It's been a lot longer than fifteen minutes."

Just for clarification's sake, I don't think he's talking about himself here. Also, that is the best future Nobel Prize acceptance speech I've ever read.

On what you'll have actually learned by the end of the book:

According to Jezebel, "Perhaps the most interesting revelation is that The Situation doesn't wax his eyebrows--he threads them." Neat! 

You've had enough, yes? If not, head over to Jezebel for more. (With pictures!)

Watch Al Roker attempt to take these topics seriously when he interviewed The Situation on The Today Show. Also, his brother (who we can assume is Mike's #1 pupil) is in trouble for holding broken glass to a woman's neck and holding her against her will in a limo. PURE CLASS.