'Big Brother 13' Recap: Rachel's Clinginess Pays Off
'Big Brother 13' Recap: Rachel's Clinginess Pays Off
John Kubicek
John Kubicek
Senior Writer, BuddyTV
This week on Big Brother 13 production had to step in to ensure that the newbies didn't succeed in getting out another veteran. That may not be the version of events CBS shows us, but it's the reality. The Pandora's Box twist resulted in this week being played in duos, which means Rachel and Jordan could win the veto, both come off the block, and force yet another newbie-on-newbie eviction. And since that's obviously what CBS and the Big Brother 13 producers want to happen, that's what happens.

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Aftermath of the Twist

Rachel is understandably excited by the fact that the producers (I mean, "Pandora's Box") just saved her. Jordan doesn't seem to understand the twist at all, which is par for the course. The newbies are all miserable over Porsche's decision to open the box, but everyone would've done it because everyone always opens it and while you might expect something annoying or inconvenient to come out of it, nobody expects that the entire game would be altered and rigged to benefit Rachel and Jordan. This was like the Spanish Inquisition of twists.

I guess Porsche is the dumb one for thinking this game would be remotely fair and that CBS wouldn't actively help the returning veterans who, thanks to live feed conversations, we know are earning three times as much money as the newbies for their stipends. Yes, sorry to take down the curtain and expose the truth, but if you didn't know, the HGs all get paid a small stipend depending on how much time they're locked away by the show.

The Most Pointless Alliance Ever

After nominations, Jordan and Rachel go up to make a final four alliance with Porsche and Kalia. This may be the most frustrating moment ever, especially when Rachel claims they'd be stupid not to agree. The truth is that neither side has any real intention of honoring this alliance. Each side is only doing it in case the other side wins the veto or the next HoH. But realistically, if any of them win next week's HoH, they'll go after each other.

Shelly's Defense

Shelly tries to explain her reasoning for turning against Jeff and Jordan to Adam. Adam doesn't care at all, which shows me that he doesn't really care as much about the game as he claims. Shelly's defense about fighting to give herself the best chance of winning is logical and reasonable, but she knows that turning against "America's Sweethearts" won't look good. I feel like Adam in this scene is giving voice to those morons who made harassing phone calls to Shelly's family, saying that she did this to herself. Maybe Adam should shut up and start actually playing the game before passing judgment on anyone else.

Later Shelly has an emotional chat with Jordan where she explains that what she did was a game move because she knew that Jeff and Jordan would always choose each other over her. Shelly can compartmentalize better than anyone in the history of this game, because while Jordan and Rachel can't separate the backstabbing from their personal feelings, Shelly can. Damn it, now I want Shelly to win, but I hope viewers are able to see past the fact that she turned on Jeff and at least vote for her as America's Favorite at the end of the season.

That's all undone, however, when Shelly essentially sells her soul to Rachel and Jordan, promising them a final three deal by swearing on her kids, the Bible and everything else. I'm upset when she talks about how Porsche and Kalia don't deserve to be in the finale, because while I think Rachel and Shelly might actually deserve it the most right now, Jordan and Adam deserve it the least.

I'm struggling right now because I think, if Shelly goes, Rachel actually deserves to win. But I just hate her so damn much that I wouldn't want to see her get the satisfaction of winning, because it would give legitimacy to all of her bad behaviors, like giving your dog a treat for peeing on the carpet.

Rachel Clings to Her Man

Since this week is being played with duos, you might assume the veto competition would also be done in pairs like the first one with the superhero puzzle. But no, it's not, because production knows that if Rachel was tied to the competitive anchor that is Jordan, she'd probably lose. Instead, it's an individual competition, and it's virtually identical to the very first HoH competition of the season (ie, the one Rachel won). I defy anyone to explain to me how this isn't completely rigged.

On the bright side, the producers seem to acknowledge their manipulation by devising a competition that illustrates everything bad about Rachel's personality. The HGs must hang on to giant dummy versions of their former partners in the house, which means Rachel has to hang on to Brendon. She jumps on his back in a move that is identical to one Rachel frequently did in the official candid photos from inside the house (see the main image in this article).

I'm pretty sure I don't have to draw a diagram to explain the hilarious symbolism. Rachel must cling to Brendon like a cobra with its prey, squeezing the life out of it like Lenny with a rabbit. If there's one thing Rachel is good at, it's getting drunk and being passive aggressive. But if there are two things, they'd be the first one plus holding on to Brendon at all costs, no matter who or what he Skypes.

Here are the results:

-Adam falls after 5 minutes
-Jordan falls after 8 minutes
-Shelly falls after 12 minutes
-Porsche falls after 18 minutes
-Kalia falls after 32 minutes (of near constant farting)
-Rachel wins the Power of Veto

Seriously? A 30-minute endurance competition? I've been on elevator rides that lasted longer. And the fact that the order the HGs fell off was almost identical to the order they fall off the banana in week 1 is just more proof that the producers knew exactly who would win this competition and planned it accordingly.

What sickens me the most is the way Rachel talks about how "we won the veto." At least Jordan has the self-awareness to admit that she sucks as a partner. Rachel then gloats over how they can get rid of Shelly because she's a floater and couldn't even save herself. Once again, Jordan brings up the fact that she fell off before Shelly, so all the bad things Rachel says about Shelly also apply to her. Rachel doesn't seem to grasp this concept, but Kalia does, and she earns my respect when she says that Adam and Shelly are as useless in competitions as Jordan is.

The Most Pointless Ceremony Ever

Rachel naturally saves herself at the veto ceremony and the cute-as-a-stupid-button coattail rider Jordan gets saved too. Rachel's speech annoys me again as she talks about how she and Jordan have both been fighting to stay in the game all season. That's only half true, and Rachel needs to stop making it seem like Jordan contributes anything to this game.

Porsche is then forced to nominate Adam and Shelly, meaning that two out of the three times a newbie has been HoH, another newbie gets evicted. I feel bad for the HGs who had to go through the pomp and circumstance of this ceremony, because they must've felt like total morons.


(Image courtesy of CBS)



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