FINALLY, we find out how everyone, including the Pavelka, reacted to Jake’s “shocking” elimination. Did Jake let his Dark Passenger take over and turn the Bachelor Pad into Murder Mansion?
Unfortunately not. Instead, Jake tries to go out with dignity, and does, kind of (depending on whether you think he’s a creepy weirdo or not). He looks at the group and says “We had a chance to do something really big and really special, but it didn’t happen.” I don’t know if I’d call anything that happens on Bachelor Pad “big” or “special,” but point taken, Jake: they SHOULD have taken out the power couple when they had the chance. We’ve known this forever. But that doesn’t mean you should have stayed or won, either. Jake ends his little speech with the ultimate revenge: Kindness. “Kasey, amazing meeting you. Vienna, my apologies. My heart, forgiven.” Syntax issues aside, a classy(ish?) way to go.
In the limo going away from the Bachelor mansion forever (WE HOPE), Jake says he’s happy to be away from that “f*cking crazy house.” But the real “f*cking crazy house” is Jake’s FACE. Because everyone knows the face is the front door to your brain’s house.
If Jake’s face is the door to his brain’s house, his brain lives in a SPOOKY HAUNTED MANSION!
Kasey is feeling extra-smug that his “plan” worked, and he’s got his own farewell words of wisdom for his girlfriend’s ex-fiance: “Well guess what? You’re a jackass, dude. Go kick rocks.” Then, he does that classic reality show ironic thing where the sentence in which you choose to say about how smart you are is the exact same sentence in which you pronounce a word incorrectly: “I’m the strongest strat-EEE-gist.” Hahaha! Works every time.
Vienna thanks the group for eliminating Jake “for her.” It’s so condescending that the half that voted for Jake now wish that they hadn’t, and the half that didn’t wish that they could stab her in her smug, crossed eyes. Way to go, Vienna! Very efficient way of reminding everyone that you were engaged to Jake for a reason: because you’re the only one who could manage to look worse than him at all times.
The Challenge: Kiss and Hell, Revisited
It’s the kissing contest again. Chris Harrison prepares the group by saying that the folks on Bachelor Pad 1 said this was their favorite competition by far. And remember how terrible and stupid THOSE people were? The Season 2 group is sure to love this one!
Kasey says he’s out, because he thinks all the other girls are gross and Vienna would kill him if he kissed them. (Mostly just that second thing.) Michelle actually refuses to do the challenge for a legitimate reason (if you ignore the whole “going on Bachelor Pad in the first place” thing): She wants to be a good example for her six-year-old daughter. Michael is nervous to kiss Holly for the first time since they broke up. Everyone is so busy feeling feelings that they forget to brush their teeth. If you’re gonna go gross, just go gross all the way, you know?
The Men’s Kiss-Off:
The boys kiss Holly first. William gives her a peck because he’s never kissed a girl before worried about pissing off Michael. Michael is next, and he gives her a short, sweet one. Kirk, Kasey and Graham play it safe in front of Mike, too. But then it gets to Blake the snake — “number five” — who grabs her by the chin, shoves his forked tongue in there something fierce and really gives her “the motion of the ocean,” says Michael. Still tasting his venom, Holly votes for Blake.
Melissa is up next. She hates Blake, but she votes for him because she thinks his passionate kiss shows that he still has feelings for her.
QUESTION FOR THE MEN: Hello, man. Thank you for reading this recap! It is great but also weird that you are here. And here is my question for you: Am I right that Melissa is the physical embodiment of “guy repellant”? Every time I look at her, all I see is a big red sign in my brain saying, “IF YOU WANT A GUY TO LIKE YOU, DO NOT THAT.”
Ella votes for Blake too. “It was one of those baby-makin’ kisses,” our Southern Mama Bear says. When it’s Vienna’s turn, everyone gives her a peck so as not to inflict Kasey’s frog-wrath. Kasey gives Vienna a good ol’ fashioned “you’re my laaaady” smooch, and Vienna votes for Kasey.
The Women’s Kiss-Off:
We are treated (?) to a lenghty montage of Ella kissing all the guys like she’s a professor at Mackin’ University. Then, for disgusting comparison’s sake, we get to watch Erica hoover their mouths off with her injection lip-bricks.
Kirk can’t decide if he’s grossed out or amused by that kiss from Erica, which he calls “aggressive.”
“And a little sloppy.”
“And her boobs were touching me.”
What Really Happened When Erica Kissed Blake
Vienna’s Dramatic Reenactment
Everyone agrees that Kasey has bad breath. When you feel your hatred for him start to overwhelm your soul, just remember that and smile.
What Really Happened When Holly Kissed Kasey
Vienna’s Overdramatic Display of Jealousy
When Michael is blindfolded, he thinks his kiss with Holly is a sign that they are back in love: “We slipped right back into it, we remembered how to kiss each other, and we did it.” Even Ella says that SHE could feel the passion between them.
Blake is up next, and even with the blindfold on he looks like a smug a**hole. Holly goes in for the kill. Even though kissing Michael felt “natural” (whomp whomp), kissing Blake is new, exciting and dangerous. Like a gun you just bought but don’t know how to use! “I didn’t want to stop, I just wanted to keep goin’!” Holly proclaims. This is the beginning of the end, my friends.
Well, I guess that’s also the end of the kissing contest. I have to say that I’m relieved. It seemed grosser and more prolonged last season. Maybe I’m just hardened and jaded since then, but it seems like this time around, it was more … business? Whatever the difference, I’m grateful for small favors. And minimal lip sound effects.
The Winners: With an “overwhelming” number of votes, Ella and Blake win the kissing contest. Michael is upset — he’s worried this opens up Blake to make a move on Holly. Which it does, very directly: The prizes this week are two “romantic one-on-one dates” for the winners. Ella says, “My son would be very proud.” Of his mother. Who is on a dating reality show spinoff. That celebrates greed, promiscuity and sexual manipulation. What son WOULDN’T be proud?
Ella’s Date: They, Like Whether We Care About Them or Not, Are “Up in the Air”
Ella asks Kirk, her game and hopefully sex-partner, to go on the date with her. They speed away from their mansion/prison in a red convertible, and I get PTSD: Remember when Elizabeth and Jessie made out on someone else’s yellow convertible last season? And how horrifically disgusting that was?
Back at the Pad: William pouts like a five-year-old when he sees the car, and once again is filled with sadness and regret that he didn’t handle things differently. Kissing is the new standup comedy. And William is terrible at both. I can’t believe he’s single. Ladiessss!
Melissa thinks that since Blake came crawling back and asked her to be his partner last week, that means she’s actually his partner and that he’s taking her on the date. Also because when she says “we’re gonna go on this date,” he doesn’t contradict her. But he does mumble something about being unsure.
Melissa finally realizes that Blake’s constant pained frown when he’s around her DOES MEAN that he can’t stand the sight/sound/touch of her, and that he might not take her on this date. She’s furious. “I don’t want you to get emotional about this,” he says, and feeds her some B.S. about him “positioning” them as a team inside the game. (More like positioning his you-know-what inside of you-know-who’s you-know-WHAT.) Saying “don’t get emotional” to Melissa is like saying “don’t be constantly high on painkillers” to Erica. It’s not gonna happen; you can’t fight nature. And even Melissa, whose brain is so full of feelings that there’s really no room for logic, knows that if she was really Blake’s partner like he keeps saying, he’d take her on a date, give her a rose and save her. It’s a no-brainer. But Blake would rather take Holly on the date, and now he’s worried that HE’LL be the no-brainer. (Because Melissa will eat/stab/talk his to death.)
Back on the date: Kirk and Ella sit down to a carpet picnic in the house where the Bachelor(ette) usually stays, much like the one that Ashley and JP shared last season on The Bachelorette. Ella tells Kirk about her son, much like she did when she dated Jake on The Bachelor. Kirk tells Ella about his mold poisoning, much like he did when he dated Ali on The Bachelorette. I feel like I’ve known and been bored by these two forever!
Ella gives Kirk the rose and says they’re going to “rock it!” Then they go outside and ride in a hot air balloon that has conveniently been set up in their back yard. They fly into the air and, fire burning in the balloon AND their loins, make out under the moon. But even this grand romantic display doesn’t sell me on them as a couple. It’s a house of lies, but there are some things you just can’t fake.
Back at the Pad: Erica tries to bribe Blake into taking her on the date by giving him a massage. When he’s naked, lubed up and unable to escape, Erica’s enormous fake breasts offer to be his new partners.
“Leeeeave Melissaaaaa, come and be with ussssss,” the boobs hissed like those two scary eels that follow Ursula around in The Little Mermaid.
“You make some compelling arguments,” Blake says sarcastically to the boobs. “Well, we ARE in law school,” the boobs reply, unaware that Blake is mocking their hardened, lopsided logic.
Melissa still thinks that Blake is going to take her on the date. Melissa thinks a lot of wrong things. Blake announces his decision, and all of a sudden his propensity for big words just seems like a crutch he uses in order to never actually SAY ANYTHING: “I haven’t exactly played the game as… linear… as other people, err, uhh, and looking toward winning this thing… uh, I would like to extend an invitation to Holly.” Melissa’s face is set to MURDER:
“That’s f*cked up.”
Holly accepts the date. Melissa asks Blake for an explanation and he says, “I … uh … um.” Good explanation! Melissa runs upstairs and sobs. “I would rather be alone forever than feel pain like that,” she proclaims, instantly losing all sympathy with her complete lack of perspective.
“Some people wear their emotions on their sleeves. But Melissa wears her emotions on every article of clothing she owns. Including her hair tie. And her panties. All of it,” says Michelle, who continues to be the best. Only the best would be able to comfort Melissa right now, and that’s what Michelle does. Blake tries to reason with Melissa. She calls him a “sociopath” and tells him to f*ck off. “I’ve made a huge mistake,” says GOB Blake. But his face is perma-set to SMUG:
PUNCH IT! PUNCH IT WITH A CREME PIE!
Melissa’s new mission is to make sure Blake gets eliminated, but she’s the most inelegant game player in the history of every game ever. So in her effort to rally support, she tells Michael that Holly “doesn’t give a sh*t” about him. Then she tells Erica that Blake thinks she’s “useless.” Then she accuses Holly of violating girl code, and then she murders a container of yogurt, stirring it too vigorously as she complains to anyone who will listen that Blake is a douche. She even hunts down BLAKE to talk about what a douche Blake is, but he can’t talk because he’s busy brushing his teeth with the same intensity that Melissa does everything. At least he can take pride in the fact that he’s winning the battle of who could care less.
Blake’s Date: Dumber and Dumber, Dumber-er
Blake and Holly bond over how she hates the house right now, and the house hates him. Well, except Holly. She likes Blake, and she’s excited that they get to go on a private jet to… somewhere. Doesn’t matter, because wherever it is, it’s far away from Mayor Michelle’s Crazy Town.
Holly is suddenly less excited when she learns they’ll be skiing, because she doesn’t know how. I have some genuine sympathy for the girl. Learning how to ski is painful enough without having all of your falls broadcast on national television. But at least they put her in an adorable outfit. Usually she’s Helen of Troy Barbie, but today she’s Skiing Barbie.
Blake and Holly have chemistry and are all smiles during their date. The romantic Bachelor music swells as they wrestle and snowball fight like that scene in Dumb and Dumber. It’s cute that they like each other (I guess), but that still doesn’t change that Blake is a smarmy jackass and Holly either is dumb or just constantly acts dumbs. Hard to know which is worse. My self-protective apathy shield is starting to take over, because I know this is just setting the stage for a three-way crying-fest.
After skiiing, Blake asks Holly “what the deal is” with Michael. She said that things with them are “changing.” (Michael’s feelings for her are growing back like a phantom limb. A fist. A GHOST fist! That would like to punch Blake in his stupid perfect teeth for stealing his WOMAN!) Blake doesn’t really care about Michael at this point. He gives Holly the rose, and they kiss. Apathy shield fully activated.
Meanwhile, back at the Pad: First he looks into the sun. Then he looks into the fireplace. Then he looks into his heart, and Michael realizes that he still loves Holly.
The other men wait up with Michael, and at 1:45am he realizes that Blake and Holly aren’t coming back. “I can’t believe that she wouldn’t consider my feelings at all, and be like, I went on the overnight with another dude.” Kirk and Graham do the good, bro-ly thing and offer him some whiskey. It’s a hell of a torture chamber, but at least there’s free booze!
MEANWHILE, BACK AT SNOWSEX MOUNTAIN …
We watch as Blake and Holly passionately kiss in front of the fire in their cozy snowswept cabin. Holly giggles. The light goes out. It’s basically a Kay Jewelry commercial, and we all know what happens in those scenes after the camera cuts away! (Every kiss begins with Kay. And ends with PREGNANCY.)
The next morning, Michael is still counting the hours since Holly left on her date. It’s been 24+ hours! That is too many hours! And he is more in love with her than ever. “I just want to KISS. HER. FACE!” he says. It sounds more threatening than he means it — he’s just really on edge since she’s still not home yet.
When they get back, Blake and Holly try to play it cool and say nothing happened. Michael goes running, literally, to hug her. He wastes no time, and sits her down to tell her his feelings: “I don’t ever want that again. I missed you so much. I didn’t sleep at all last night. I think one of the biggest things I’ve learn is that you are irreplaceable, Holly.” Is that music from The Notebook I hear? “I’ve fallen back in love with you,” he tells her.
“You said you didn’t want to be back together,” is her weak defense. Michael asks if anything happened on the date, and she says that they kissed. “Once.” (Does 30 straight minutes without unlocking lips still count as “once”?) Michael is heartbroken. Holly feels guilty and confused. She just wanted to enjoy her first date since she and Michael broke up. “It was just nice to see that there are other people out there, but there’s so much history with Michael.” Now she doesn’t know what to DO!
The Manipulation Marathon
Oh, great, it’s time for my least favorite part of Bachelor Pad, when everyone gets all fancy and dolled up so they can show off their inner ugliness as they decide who to vote out. We’re back to the traditional voting: Boys vote out the girls, girls vote out the boys and one of each leaves.
For the fourth week in a row, once again the question is “Kasey or Someone Else?” Tonight’s weakling in the duel is William. Kasey hears that he is endangered, and is prepared with a doozy of a bullsh*t story: “The money is necessary for my grandma to live.” HAHAHAHA! There has seriously not been enough Kasey in this episode. His douchery is unparalleled. But he has a way with these idiots who are his companions. He even manages to use his amphibian voodoo to convince Melissa to vote for William.
We watch as girl after girl votes for WIlliam. Ding Dong! That’s your nickname, but it’s also the sound of Death ringing the doorbell. Coming for you.
Michael and Holly continue to talk and talk and talk about whether or not they should get back together. She loves him but she doesn’t know and he loves her but she kissed that other guy and they love and miss each other so much but they’re also glad they broke up and OH DEAR GOD how many minutes have I been witness to their indecision so far tonight? 3,000? Is it 3,000? It feels like at least 3,000.
Melissa finds out that some of the men are voting for her because she has “too much emotion.” (Which is code for the fact that she is batsh*t insane. Ladiessss! When you feel the feelings box opening up too wide, just eat some chocolate and lock it down.) Melissa finds out that people have been LYING TO HER (!!!) about whether they’re voting for her or not, and she goes NUTS. Kasey explains to us that he only lied to her because he was afraid she’d “rip his nuts off.” For once, I don’t blame him. She’s being very crazy, running around, hyperventilating, repeatedly asking the guys, “Who are you voting for? Who are you voting for? Do you like me? I hate you I love you I HATE YOU! Who are you voting for?”
WHY DOESN’T ANYONE LIKE MEEEEEEEE?
What would a chihuahua be like if it contracted a rare form a rabies that made you rabid … for REASSURANCE? (Oooh, Hollywood idea!) That is what Melissa is like. Graham sees her coming and literally says aloud, “Oh God, tell this girl to get away from me.” YES, TEAM GRAHAM 4 LYFE.
The Rose Ceremony
Melissa is sure she’s going home. I sure hope she’s right. William thinks he’s going home, too — he’s been in the game four weeks and he’s still not completely solid on the rules.
Blake, Kirk, Ella and Holly have roses. Blake hands out roses to: Graham, Michelle, Michael and Vienna.
That leaves it between Erica and Melissa for the women, and Kasey and William for the men.
ELIMINATED: William and Melissa.
Michelle cries that “salt of the earth” William got booted, especially while someone cold and selfish like Blake gets to stay. In the limo, William cries too! “I love those guys, even if I did get voted off.” Aww, Ding Dong. Did you even know you were IN a game?
Faced with her elimination, does Melissa finally learn that you can’t constantly impose your emotional frailty and raging insecurities on everyone all around you? You betcha NO! She has a complete sobbing meltdown in the limo. Maybe she actually does that so she doesn’t have to say anything.
Aww, Melissa. At least you left with dignity changed public opinion about yourself made some friends got to be on TV for a little while.
Next Week: Melissa gets her dying wish, and everyone hates Blake! Especially Michael, who sees him kissing Holly. Ohhh, it is ON now!
(Images courtesy of ABC)