This week on True Blood, Sookie and the three men in her life team up to find Russell, and sadly for them, they do. There’s actually a lot of bad news all around,  as Tara and Jessica get into a fight, Sam and Luna get shot and the worst storyline in all of television (that’s Terry’s, in case you were wondering) keeps on trucking. Luckily there’s some gratuitous Jason butt to keep us entertained.

Finding Russell

We pick up with Sookie and Alcide making out and getting busy, but their lovemaking is interrupted when she vomits on his shoes. I guess she had one too many drinks. If that’s not enough of a mood killer, Bill and Eric arrive for help finding Russell. Sookie, who’s still kind of drunk, decides to just go along with it for fun. They find Doug, the guy on duty the night Russell was freed, and Sookie reads his mind to track Russell to an asylum.

We also learn that Russell was freed by a female member of the Authority, and while everyone assumes its Nora, that seems way too obvious, so I’m going with Salome. Speaking of the Authority, Molly (Tina Majorino, who really deserves her own TV show) lets Bill and Eric know their iStakes are set to go off at dawn. I’d love to see more of Molly and the whole IT department of the Vampire Authority.

Sookie, Bill, Eric, Alcide and poor Doug arrive at the asylum, wander through the storage lockers of fresh, live humans for food and finally come face to face with Russell. He’s quite jocular and looks like himself again, and while Eric threatens to kill him, the episode ends with what sounds like werewolves attacking Alcide. Come on, Eric, less talking and more staking. Have you learned nothing from James Bond films?

Tara and Jessica: Frenemies

Tara gets a very Pam-like makeover and a job at Fangtasia. Jessica stops by to be BFFs with Tara because they’re both sexy, young vampire chicks, and while they have some things in common, Tara clearly isn’t interested in this friendship. As proof she hooks up with Goth Hoyt in the bathroom, right next to Jessica, which leads to a big vampire girl fight.

A New Murder Investigation

After getting bounced out of the fairy club, Jason and Andy wake up naked (thus fulfilling the mandatory Ryan Kwanten naked butt quota for the week). Jason also has a hilarious dream of his childhood wearing He-Man footie pajamas, which is almost as good as seeing him naked. Jason becomes fixated on the whole “vampires killed his parents” bombshell from last week, and it looks like he’s going back to his anti-vamp season 2 ways when he joined the Fellowship of the Sun.

Jason fills Andy in on the fact that the woman he banged last season is a fairy, but they have bigger fish to fry, namely the murder investigation of Sam’s shifter pals. I know what you’re thinking: This sounds like a painfully boring storyline that I don’t care about. And you would be right.

Goodbye, Sam and Luna?

The only relevant fact of the shifter killings is that they seem to be the work of some redneck humans who hate all supernatural creatures (hence using wooden and silver bullets). That night a truck full of rednecks stop by Luna’s and guns down Sam, then Luna as well. Luckily her adorable werewolf daughter escapes. Personally, I’d be happy if Luna and Sam are both dead (this show needs to start trimming the fat), but they’ll probably live.

Lafayette Sees Jesus

Lafayette is super bummed that his inner brujo is trying to kill people. That night he’s visited by the head of his dead boyfriend Jesus, but his lips are stitched together. Luckily Lafayette’s mama has the same vision and she speaks fluent crazy, so she understands Jesus.

The Fire Monster

This brings us to the worst storyline ever, with Terry and Patrick captured by Private Eller. We learn that in Iraq they killed a woman who cursed them with an ifrit, a fire monster that is a total rip-off of Lost‘s Black Smoke Monster and Game of Thrones‘ Shadow Monster.

Patrick doesn’t believe it in, but Terry does, as well he should because it kills Eller after the other two escape. Why can’t the ifrit just kill Terry and Patrick already? But no, this painful storyline will continue and take up valuable airtime that could be given to Arlene or Steve Newlin, two totally awesome characters who were not in this episode at all.

(Image courtesy of HBO)

John Kubicek

Senior Writer, BuddyTV

John watches nearly every show on TV, but he specializes in sci-fi/fantasy like The Vampire DiariesSupernatural and True Blood. However, he can also be found writing about everything from Survivor and Glee to One Tree Hill and Smallville.