True Blood starts its second half with a bang, or several.  Maryann hosts an orgy, Jason and Sarah Newlin take their relationship to the next level, Bill has dirty sex with someone other than Sookie, and the Lukenator lets us know that having gay vampire sex is the only sin God won’t forgive.

Eric enjoys a late night drink from a Fangbanger, but sucking the blood of the willing just doesn’t have the same thrill it used to have.  His cocktail is interrupted by the arrival of the mysterious woman from the end of the last episode, only she’s not so mysterious.  She’s Lorena, Bill’s maker, who Eric called back into town to woo him away from Sookie so Eric can have her all for his own.

It’s a shame Eric has to go to such extraordinary lengths to get Sookie, because I imagine there are plenty of eager Fangbangers out there who would prefer him over Bill any day of the week.

The mystery woman has flashbacks to the 1920s when she and Bill killed a rich couple and then had sex in the blood-soaked sheets as their victims died beside them.  It’s not quite as gross as Bill and Sookie in the dirt, but more disgusting than Jason having sex in garbage.

Sookie’s cockamamie plan to infiltrate the Fellowship of the Sun to find Godric begins, but she’s accompanied by Isabel’s human boyfriend Hugo.  The two humans have a lot to talk about, and Sookie is shocked to hear that Hugo wants Isabel to turn him so that he won’t grow old and die and she’ll fall out of love with him.  Sookie says she never considered that, and oddly, neither had I.  But I’m pretty sure I do not like the idea of Sookie Stackhouse becoming a vampire.

At the Fellowship, Jason and the Lukenator get a special assignment: building a platform.  Jason thinks it’s a punishment, but Sarah Newlin tells him to be grateful for the job he’s been given.  Yeah, the hand job.  Reverend Newlin is so excited that he tells the boys that the platform is for a church ritual where they tie a vampire to a cross just before dawn and then watch him fry as the sun comes up.  Jason struggles to hide his disgust, as do I.

Even if you hate vampires and want them dead, torturing them as a spectator sport is just wrong, and I’d say the same thing about Nazis or al Qaeda.  There’s a reason Saddam Hussein’s hanging wasn’t a pay-per-view event.

While building, the Lukenator sets out the ground rules for which acts of sex are the worst.  There are basically four categories that are bad, each level being worst than the previous.  The levels, from least offensive to the greatest sin are:

-Sex Out of Wedlock
-Adultery, Bestiality and Incest
-Sex with Vampires or Dudes
-Sex with Vampire Dudes

So all those gay men lusting after Eric re going straight to the deepest circle of Hell.

That day, Sookie and Hugo visit the church for a tour, posing as an engaged couple.  Sarah welcomes them with open arms, but the reverend is suspicious.  So suspicious that he takes them by force and locks them in the church basement.  See, I knew this was a bad idea, and it didn’t even have anything to do with Jason messing it up.

But Jason is messing with other things.  He tells Sarah they’ve finished the platform, and Sarah is upset because she sees her husband for the brutal monster he is.  She tries to have sex with Jason, but for the first time in his life, he resists.  That doesn’t last long, as she tells him that having sex with him is God’s will, which is all the encouragement he needs.  The two strip down and start boning in the rectory.

Back in Bon Temps, Maryann turns out to be the houseguest from Hell, complaining about the lack of hot water for her shower.  That must be some serious mind control power she has, because if someone I was letting stay in a house that wasn’t even mine started complaining, I’d kick their ass out faster than a speeding bullet

Tara and Eggs drive off to get a new water cooler, but he insists they stop and he leads them to a place in the woods that he vaguely recognizes that looks like a crazy pagan ritual went down there.  When they return home, they find the house is a mess and follow a path of clothes to another pagan ritual camp, only this time it’s in use.  Maryann, doing her shake, rattle and roll, is conducting a massive orgy, literally.

At Merlotte’s, Sam and Daphne are still going at it like a dog and a deer, and Hoyt stands up to his mama because she doesn’t approve of his girlfriend.  She approves even less when he tells her Jessica is a vampire, but young love cannot be tamed, so he drives to Dallas to be with her.

Andy stops by to interrogate Lafayette about his missing two weeks.  He threatens to send Lafayette into a prison cell, which gives the flamboyant cook vampire dungeon flashbacks.  He sees Eric while Andy talks, and watching Andy’s voice come out of Eric’s mouth is one easy way to make Eric a lot less sexy.  Later Pam stops by to tell Lafayette that Eric wants him to start selling V again.  Well that can’t be good.

At night, a drunk Andy is driving home when he spots that damn pig again.  Andy and the Pig is like a classic Looney Tunes skit, and he runs out to chase the pig down, but trips and falls.  Oddly enough, the pig isn’t alone, it’s with a dog!

Yup, it turns out Daphne is the pig.  But that’s not the only surprise she has.  Daphne leads Sam into the woods and takes him to Maryann’s orgy.  He sees Terry and Arlene and Tara and Eggs sexing it up, and Daphne stands beside Maryann and places a bull mask on her head.  Maryann twitches and looks at a ritualistic knife Carl has as Sam screams in horror.  Finally the
Maryann storyline is blasting into full gear.

-John Kubicek, BuddyTV Senior Writer

(Image courtesy of HBO)

John Kubicek

Senior Writer, BuddyTV

John watches nearly every show on TV, but he specializes in sci-fi/fantasy like The Vampire DiariesSupernatural and True Blood. However, he can also be found writing about everything from Survivor and Glee to One Tree Hill and Smallville.