Last week on The Real Housewives of New York City, Heather nearly opened a can of whoop ass on Amanda Sanders, Aviva’s image consultant. Let’s find out if Heather managed to land one on Amanda’s smug mug.
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It’s the same evening at LuAnn’s house in the Hamptons and Amanda is still drunkenly threatening to “deck” Heather. She eggs her on, saying that if she’s going to deck her, she should at least try to stand up straight. Heather tells Amanda that she has been nothing but insulting since she arrived in the Hamptons.
Amanda tries to get away from Heather, but in doing so she butts herself into Aviva and Carole’s conversation, which only angers Heather further. She tells Amanda to leave them alone and let them talk, and Amanda responds by calling Heather insecure and telling her she feels sorry for her. Obviously, she’s never met Heather before. I’ve never even met Heather and I know she’s just about the farthest thing from insecure as possible.
Surprise, surprise — Carole and Aviva have gotten nowhere in their #BookGate argument. Aviva tries to make a passive-aggressive toast for the ages, toasting to “women with a story to tell putting pen to paper” and to “women supporting other women.” Heather asks her how she can even say stuff like that with all of the nasty things she has said to slander Carole’s career.
Reid gets involved and starts shouting at Heather, that he was at the meeting with Aviva where someone told them that Carole’s book was ghost-written. And much to to Heather’s dismay, Amanda gets involved again, after at first only making mocking gestures behind her back. Amanda tells Heather to get over herself.
Heather tries to talk to Aviva in a calm, rational manner, but Aviva isn’t having it. She tries to walk away and that’s when Heather snaps. She tells her that no one likes her and no one likes to be around her and “Don’t tell me nothing, mother f***er.” Aviva asks her if she learned that in prison. Okay, so Aviva has a good one-liner once in a while. I’ll giver her that.
The night ends how every successful Housewives party ends: with a Countess literally shoving people out the door.
Sonja has a brunch at her “borrowed house” in the Hamptons the next day before everyone goes back to the city. She starts to talk to Aviva about the previous evening and how all of the other women are just “not feeling her,” but then her tooth falls out. The Countess LuAnn does not approve of the fact that the conversation turns to denture adhesive talk. That’s not in her Class with the Countess etiquette book. I guess a lady should always keep her dental problems to herself.
Back in the city, Carole, Heather and Kristen go costume shopping for the Coney Island Mermaid Parade, in which Carole will be honored with the title Mermaid Queen. It’s the opening of Coney Island for the summer season, and they’re raising money for Hurricane Sandy relief. Kristen talks about how bummed she was at LuAnn’s party, and that #BookGate is something that Carole and Aviva should sort out for themselves without anyone else getting involved.
On the day of the Mermaid Parade, Carole tells Kristen’s makeup artist that her eyes don’t hold a ton of eye makeup well, so of course he puts more makeup on her eyes than I’ve worn in a year. She and 30 Rock star Judah Friedlander are the queen and king of the parade and get to ride in their own cart.
Kristen and LuAnn have to ride on a separate float, though. They were supposed to be on a float with high school cheerleaders, but they decide to jump ship to join a drag queen float (they were more fun, plus they had alcohol). Sonja arrives late and has to run and jump onto the float while it’s already moving like a hobo jumping on a train. She’s got her “Red Sonja” wig on that her costume designer helped her find in her own closet. Oh, Sonja. Never change.
At the end of the parade, someone deems “Karen” Radziwill as the Parade Queen and she cuts a ribbon with giant scissors to officially start the Coney Island summer. Then Heather arrives and they all read a poem she wrote for them at the beach. Carole, Heather, Kristen, Sonja and LuAnn have all officially entered the Mermaid Sisterhood. And I guess that means wearing brightly colored wigs and wearing sequined bras.
Aviva and Sonja go to get laser skin treatments. They have a very serious conversation, where Aviva accuses Carole of “verbally raping” her with ridiculous paper masks on. She thinks that Carole and Heather are out to hurt her, especially after Heather was “standing over her like a Brutus” at LuAnn’s house the other night.
To take a break from all of the drama, Aviva takes her two kids to paint some ceramics. Reid meets her there and she shows him an e-mail sent by her old friend, Becky Morgan. Aviva hasn’t heard from Becky in 35 years, after she had a sleepover at Becky’s house where she lost her leg. Becky still lives on the same farm where the accident happened and she wants to reconnect with Aviva. She agrees to go there to not only face some of her fears, but to lift any burden that Becky might still be carrying after all of this time.
On her way to Franklin, New York, Aviva talks to Reid about the incident. She says it all happened so fast that it’s hard for her to remember anything specific, but she remembers the pain. She doesn’t blame Becky, or anyone else, for her accident. But it has shaped who she is today and allowed her to help other people who have lost limbs.
Becky greets Aviva with a big hug. Becky seems to be having more trouble dealing with this visit than Aviva does. Aviva tells her that she senses a burden that she’s carrying, and she shouldn’t be; they were only children. And Aviva even tries to comfort Becky by telling her that she saved her life by turning off the machine. If she hadn’t, she may have bled to death.
Becky protests, but Aviva insists on seeing the barn. Seeing that it’s just an old barn, and not as terrible as anything in her nightmares, Aviva starts to feel some relief. She even got on the machine, while it was off, which still seems absolutely terrifying. In the end, Aviva thinks that it was good to have experienced this as an adult and that it was very cathartic. I’m sure she “wrote” all about the experience in her (not ghost-written) book.
The Real Housewives of New York City airs Tuesdays at 9pm on Bravo.
(Image courtesy of Bravo)