Previously on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Brandi’s boobs talked to her ex-husband’s mistress and Adrienne is still pressed about Brandi being a full time housewife and doing it better than she does.

Kim and Kyle Richards Are ‘Closer Than Ever’ After Stars in Danger >>>

Brandi talks to her BFF Lisa after her convo with super-slut and, coincidentally, the star of the hit Bravo show Vanderpump Rules. Over a huge glass of Rosette, Brandi tells Lisa that Scheana Marie is just pretty much a lost soul, but thinking about her cheating husband still gives her sad feelings. Lisa is a good friend and tells Brandi that she is the winner in the situation and she admires her strength.

It’s gotten to the point where any appearance on this show by the thankfully elusive Yolanda solicits an out-of-this-world eye roll. She starts talking about lemon cleanses and blah, blah, blah. Kyle shows up to her ridiculous abode where the two of them start to make said lemon cleanses and talk about how awesome cleanses are. The word “cleanse” is said approximately 88 times. Cleanse.

Yolanda brings up Kim, saying that she is a little miffed that she did not accept her invitation to do the cleanse. Cleanses save lives, you know. And this cleanse could change Kim’s life. Kyle tells her an adorable little story about how when they were kids Kim was “magic” and she would get Kyle anything she wanted with her slave child acting money. Oh, the good old days.

The former magic child herself meets with her life coach in the next scene. Kim admits that while she is feeling great and positive about her recovery, she is still rightfully pissed that her sister called her out for being an alcoholic in front of the cameras in season 1. I gotta side with the elder Richards on this one.

Lisa goes to check on the daily operations of her eating establishment, Villa Blanca. While she drinks tea like an adorable British person, Ken installs a pink tree swing for her in the yard around a heart-shaped rose flower bed. He says he hopes that it will also inspire romance, which is kind of gross. I never pegged Ken as the sex swing kind of guy, but the more I think about it the more sense it makes.

When Lisa comes back to find the swing (and a special pink Giggy-sized lawn chair and umbrella, awww) she is thrilled. She explains that when they were first married at their first house, they used to have a tree swing he would push her in. Suddenly, I feel a little guilty about the sex swing comment because these two are so freaking sweet. He proposes they renew their vows for their upcoming 30th wedding anniversary, and of course she agrees. Please let this mean more cameos by the wedding planner Kevin Lee. Chi chi chi darling!

And this is where things start to get interesting. Kyle and Marissa are hosting a party at a Moroccan restaurant where everyone sits on puffy couches and eats with their hands. Brandi is the first to arrive, and she informs Kyle and Marissa that Adrienne and Paul are suing her for saying that thing about them that we’re not allowed to know (probably because Adrienne and Paul are also threatening to sue Bravo), but we think we know anyway. This is not exactly unexpected from Adrienne and Paul, considering how much they like to throw their financial weight around, but it is a little hypocritical, seeing Adrienne’s past position on how friends shouldn’t sue friends after Taylor threatened to sue Camille last season.

Before the fireworks pick back up, all of the other housewives arrive. Yolanda’s important husband can’t be there because of course he is off with some little unknown singer, Barbra Streisand … have you heard of her? Yolanda is majorly side-eyeing Kim for skipping her cleanse. One does not simply just skip a Yolanda cleanse. Also, Yolanda says she loves the belly dancers at the Moroccan place because she was married to an Arabic man and everyone knows that only those married to an Arabic man can appreciate the fine art of belly dancing.

Kim decides to have an emotional conversation with Kyle right then and there among the bare-bellied Arabic dancers about the state of their relationship. Single tears are shed and they both admit to being hurt by the other, but agree they need to move forward because they love each other.

Their touching conversation is interrupted by Taylor’s drunken squawking about the bad waitstaff. And then of course the topic of Adrienne vs. Brandi is brought up by someone. This is where things get weird and a little sketchy, but I will do my best to relate the tit-for-tat for you, because everyone in the room feels entitled to an opinion on this matter.

Mauricio starts things off by barely attempting to hide his dislike for Brandi. He is really rude to her and insists that all of her legal woes would go away if she were to simply pick up of the phone to apologize. Brandi insists that she has tried but stopped after she heard from their lawyer.

Ken defends Brandi to Mauricio, claiming that she made a mistake and she doesn’t deserve to be sued for it, especially since she has nothing to be sued for (apparently, unlike Taylor, she doesn’t have two Hermes bags and an engagement ring that would serve as a settlement).

Taylor and Lisa agree that Adrienne is hypocritical for saying last year that “Friends don’t sue friends” and then turning around and suing her friend. Then Kim and Taylor get into a side-tiff as they usually do about god knows what.

It finally goes back to Mauricio and his holier-than-thou attitude and trying to tell Brandi that she needs to take responsibility for her actions because, you know, women’s rights. Then Brandi finally doles out one of the many warranted “Shut the f*** up” of this season to Mauricio. Yikes, that was messy. Maybe they all just need to go on a cleanse to make everything better.

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(Image courtesy of Bravo)

Gina Pusateri

Contributing Writer, BuddyTV