Andi Dorfman’s quest for love got off to a lackluster start with the season 10 premiere of The Bachelorette last week. There was nary a drunken mistake, she got rid of five weirdos and a normie who left too soon, and the most dramatic thing that happened involved a former Bachelorette/Bachelor Pad contestant who didn’t even get inside the house.
Thankfully, that should all change as Andi actually starts to learn things about the remaining 19 guys, one of whom is about to prove he actually did pop the champagne cork a little prematurely. It’s time for our first one-on-one dates and group affairs, with a challenge that shows why guys like myself could never hack it on the adventure for reality TV love.
The guys will be stripping down to their skivvies for a bunch of horny women, and I’m not talking about the majority of the viewing audience. The group date will apparently involve performances at an exotic male revue, which is a funny choice for Andi to get excited about after all the stank she-who-only-wears-one-pieces raised when she had to bare it all for the sexy dog photo shoot in Juan Pablo’s season.
As for me? I don’t have enough abs (i.e. I only maintain one or two) to pull off the Magic Mike routine, and a good sense of humor only gets you so far when beefcakes are involved. On to the show!
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Let’s Play the Dating Game
Andi is super excited to be the Bachelorette, and she’s totally sure that, as is the case every season, all the guys are there for the right reasons. Back at the house, balding golf pro Nick S. is covering up his hairline with a winter hat under the beaming LA sun (I get self-conscious, too, buddy), while all the guys have breakfast cheers of bloody Marys and mimosas. Or, knowing this group, orange and tomato juice with a healthy sprig of celery.
Chris Harrison arrives with the first date card — Love is Everywhere — and it looks like one of the guys — Coach Brian, I believe — is sporting a black eye. Luckily, he’ll have some time to heal up since the late explorer Eric nabs the first one-on-one. He’s nervous but excited, and the butterflies that flutter when she walks in the door is kind of endearing with this group of jabronis.
It’s sad, but it’s quite obvious the curse of the first date will not be broken this season. That being said, I’m glad we know the outcome so as not to spend our time wondering what happens while knowing that he passed away.
Grains to Flakes
The not-well-traveled Andi is impressed at worldliness, and so they pass the drive time with tales of Eric’s African adventures. They stop off at the beach, and Andi shows she’s no longer bikini-phobic in a sexy white two-piece while they fly kites and build a sandcastle. He’s all ripped up and doing backflips when a helicopter lands on the beach to whisk them off to the top of Bear Mountain.
They trade sand angels for a barefoot snowball fight until snowboarder Louie Vito shows up and offers a private lesson. They don snow bunny gear and hit the slopes, and Andi’s board moves are similar to her dance floor ones. Louie bids them adeu, and they hold hands for a tandem run before Eric goes solo and stops just short of shooting people James Bond-style as he glides down the mountain with ease. Man, this guy really is good at everything.
They share a breather, some hot chocolate and a sled ride down the hill, and they’re both on Mount Nine as they relish the first fairy tale date of the season. I see a connection between them, but it also seems like the circumstances are spurring the casual conversation. We’ll have to see if they dive any deeper during dinner.
Retreat at Big Bear Lake Lodge
They sip wine wine by the fire, and Andi calls Eric a true Renaissance Man. She makes him name five — no, three! — things that he’s not good at since he’s soooo great at everything, but all he can muster is that he’s no piano player. Scandalous.
He got the travel bug from his dad, who somehow hitchhiked cross-country for college credit, and he’s trying to become one of the few hundred people to visit every country on the planet.
He tells the story of Syria, the scariest moment of his life, when the city he was staying in came under fire and was destroyed. When they stopped for food later on, the appearance of two militants prompted him to text his parents goodbye. Luckily, the opposition leader just told him to go back to Turkey, and crisis averted.
This is of particular interest to Andi, who wants to know if Eric would still keep up these shenanigans if he had a wife and child, and he says he’d give it up for family. He talks about his all married-with-kids siblings, and he’s always wanted children, but he wasn’t ready for marriage before just the past couple years.
She gives him the rose and they eat S’mores, and all is well in Loveville, for now. Frowny face. No kiss, though, at least not on camera.
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A Bit of Bare Exposure
The group date card arrives, and black-eyed coach Brian, cookie boy Marquel, operatic Bradley, champagne-popper Craig, hairstylist and lamp-aficionado Brett, not Juan Pablo and Andrew boy-toy Patrick, middle-class man’s Sean Lowe and personal trainer Cody, firefighter Carl, wedding coordinator Tasos, former baseball pro Josh M., Ron (the guy from Israel and Barbados), hot hot hottie hot hottie hottie hot hot Marcus, golf pro Nick S. and high school haircut Dylan are going to Bare Their Souls for Love.
It’s off to the OHM Nightclub, where the Hollywood Men practice the art of exotic male dancing. Andi anticipates that some guys might be a bit hesitant, so she references her photo shoot and tells them to just have fun because it’s for charity. The guys warm up by showing off their best/worst moves, and then it’s costume time.
There are three groups — Army men, firemen and cowboys — along with two solo routines, which are robot Nick V. and aviator Marcus. Andi declares that Marcus is really “doing it” for her today, then drops the bombshell that the guys will be performing in front of a live audience.
All I Wanna Do is Zooma Zoom Zoom
Carl is shockingly assigned to the firefighter group, and he anticipates some razzing from his fellow firefighters. Cody is pumped and Marcus is pretty damn nervous, almost Andi-esque. Craig is a sexy cowboy, and he’d never do this if not for Andi. They learn a quick routine, and then Josh M. gives Andi a lapdance that intimidates Craig.
All the dudes are barely clothed, except for for Nick S., who’s in a “sexy fat robot” costume. Coach Brian promises his mom he’s going to church tomorrow, and a scared Marcus considers running away.
Craig stuffs his shorts while some of the guys oil up, Andi welcomes the throngs of screaming women (as well as dog lover Kelly and opera singer Sharleen) and it’s show time. Chris Harrison tells the audience they are free to tip at will. With their hands.
Just Shake Your Rump
Marquel and Josh M. are the standout cowboys, though it’s worth mentioning that Craig continues to rave about Josh’s body. Nick S. tries to incorporate humor into his robot strip, but he just end up grossing everyone out with his man-thong bend that shows off a little more inner crack than anyone wanted to see.
The firemen come right out into the audience and dance for the ladies, while Brian’s surprisingly good body is the talk of the soldier portion. Then Marcus reluctantly walks onto the stage for his solo performance. He’s a little hesitant, but he gets into it once the crowd starts appreciating his hotness with hoots and hollers.
After the Show, It’s the After Party
The guys retreat to a mansion for the post-prom, and Andi’s low cut dress leaves as little to the imagination as the dance routines did. Craig jumps the gun and offers a toast, and he misses Andi’s sarcasm when she says, “Oh, you want to do the toast?” Brian pulls her aside for the first alone time, and she raves about how impressed she was with his performance.
Josh M. is worried about being labeled the stereotypical former professional athlete, so he wants to make sure she doesn’t think he’s “into that lifestyle.” He hasn’t dated anyone in five years (because he’s totally into that lifestyle), but he claims it’s because he’s been waiting for the right girl.
Craig is officially in love with Josh, and he tells all the other guys how much he hated standing next to him on stage. Then he drinks. A lot. And finally, someone gets wasted. And oh, how Craig gets wasted. Yay.
Round About 4, You Gotta Clear the Lobby
Operatic Bradley sings for Andi again (seriously, dude’s gotta go), while drunk Craig wanders the house looking for his one on one time with “the most beautiful thing [he’s] ever seen in [his] life.” When he finally tracks her down, she humors him like he’s an excited child, nodding and agreeing. She tries to give him the benefit of the doubt, as we’ve all been there at one point or another, and she even offers that he can ask her anything. He jumps right to “What’s the worst thing about your parents?” Classy move.
He then tries to interrupt her time with Brett, but Tasos pulls him away and tries to give him a talking to. But even with Nick S. in full babysitter mode, Craig still jumps in the pool fully clothed, and Andi starts to get pissed at the distracting ruckus. The mood has changed, and the producers eventually have to step in and take him back to the house.
This somehow prompts Andi to question everything instead of recognizing one drunken assbag, and she drops three more y’alls and begs for them to continue the night in peace. Marcus pulls her aside and calms her down a bit, but she wants his introverted nature to move more into the foreground.
Still, he’s probably her favorite at this point. And for that, he gets a rose.
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Off to the Races
The final date card — Let’s Get Our Love on Track — goes to farmer Chris, meaning pantsaholic JJ, first-impression rose Nick V., and Andy. Andi lover and Patrick boy-toy Andrew are dateless this week.
Chris and Andi are off to Santa Anita Park for a day at the track, and they don their stakes day best. She’s feeling a bit down after the events of the previous evening, so she’s hoping Chris can help her gallop out of her rut.
They are literally the only ones dressed to the nines in a park full of tank tops and sneakers, and they share mint juleps and conversation with a wise older couple while they bet on the ponies. It doesn’t matter where their horses finish, because we’re all winners in love.
They share wine and snacks at a now-deserted track in the evening, and he opens up about a girl he met in college who he was engaged to, but he realized it just wasn’t right. And he knew it in his heart the second he proposed.
She applauds the guts it takes to break off a proposal, and I’m sure there’s a chick sitting on a couch somewhere screaming, “I broke up with you!” at the TV. Still, he gets a rose, a hug and a private concert by This Wild Life. They dance, and we get our first on-screen smooch of season 10. He palms her face with his giant mitt and rubs her back like Lenny does the rabbit. Oh, those farm boys.
Craig Makes Amends, But Is It Enough?
It’s a tense cocktail party filled with apprehension, but here are the highlights:
Nick V. gets the first impression rose but no dates, so he makes his own date card for her that reads, “Hey Andi, Let’s Get Things Popping” before opening a bottle of champagne. It’s oddly reminiscent of Craig’s entrance, which might not bode well for him. He succeeds in his goal of having deeper conversations with her, and it’s not what he means, but I still giggle when he says, “I’m okay with pulling out for a little bit.”
Marquel gets a date but no one-on-one time, so he and his zany socks, plaid shirt and clashing floral print tie desire some reassurance.
Brett takes off his socks and does a weird puppet show.
She and one of the guys break plates outside.
Josh M. tells Andi he went blank when he first saw her. Then he rambles and laughs like a lunatic, but she kisses him anyway cause he’s still her type.
Craig has been living in hell, trying to figure out what he can do to make things right. He feels like he must do something more than just apologize, so he picks up the gee-tar and sings an awful and hilarious original song. It goes like this: “I messed up last night. I had too much Firefly. I bared my junk to 13 other guys, but I hope and pray that it’s alright. Oh Andi, please let me stay.”
His voice is terrible, and he’s in love with Josh M., but it might be good enough for him to stick around for another week. Or not.
Should I Stay or Should I Go?
Explorer Eric, hot guy Marcus and farmer Chris are safe, and the other roses go to:
High school haircut Dylan
Pantsaholic Bill JJ Nye
Cookie boy Marquel
Patrick boy-toy Andrew
Wedding planner Tasos
Ex-baseball pro Josh M.
Middle-class man’s Sean Lowe and personal trainer Cody
First impression rose Nick V.
Andrew boy-toy Patrick
Hairstylist and lamp aficionado Brett
That means it’s the end of the line for drunken Craig, balding golf pro and dancing robot Nick S. and now-bespectacled firefighter Carl, who is blindsided and confused. Nick is hurt and shocked and trying not break down and freak out. He’s just wondering when it’s going to happen for him and why it hasn’t yet.
Craig is disappointed and feels horrible for what he did, but he’s got no one to blame but himself. She might be able to give him a pass if it happened in a personal relationship, though it’d be bad on a first date, but you can’t overlook it with all these other guys around.
I’m a bit surprised that Carl and Nick were eliminated while guys like Ron, Cody and Bradley are still around, but I expect they are throwaways for the coming weeks, inevitable departures so that no one we actually care about heads home.
Craig is obviously not a shock, but I would like to offer him thanks for providing some drama in what would have otherwise been another mundane episode. He might have been eliminated, but his level of jackassery was a dramatic upgrade from Chris Bukowski. Well done, sir.
Were you sad to see any of these three guys go? Who is your early favorite to win Andi’s heart? And who actually has a boyfriend and isn’t here for the right reasons? We’ll apparently find out in a two-night Bachelorette extravaganza next Sunday and Monday at 8pm on ABC, because we all know one night just isn’t enough.
(Image courtesy of ABC)