Hey Bachelor fans! Fans? Can we call ourselves that anymore? I’ll be honest: I’ve been watching this season of The Bachelor with about as much investment as Ben–little to none! While Meghan is in Belize this week, cleaning all the roses out of the ocean, I’ll be recapping tonight’s Fantasy Suite episode. I thought for sure it would be Courtney and Kacie B in the final two, but last week Ben sent Kacie B back into the Disney Vault.

I have an obvious theory about why: Ben wants to get laid as much as possible. He knew that Fantasy Suite dates were coming up, and Kacie B’s father (Mr. B) ruined everything with his strict morals and prohibition-era take on sins of the flesh. It’s a shame, too, because I think he really liked that giggly little girl. But tonight is the night when two become one, and one, and one; and Ben wants a WOMAN.
In typical straight-laced fashion, however, I suspect that Kacie will pull a Jake Pavelka (Jillian’s season-era Pavelka, as the term “to pull a Pavelka” has such a broad definition now), returning to warn Ben about Courtney. And he will not care, because BOOBS!

Tonight, the girls are also practically obligated to use the phrase “falling in love with you.” So, with all this in mind, let’s get it on, Ben. Ben is feeling a lot of emotions, he notes as he Indiana Jones-flies away from Los Angeles and into Switzerland.

Nicki is “kind of a dark horse,” because her arms are thicker than those of the other two girls. She does seem the most sincere of the three remaining girls, though. Ben “likes the way she makes [him] feel.” On the other hand, there’s Lynzi, whose parents race their carriages across their 50 acres of land just for a laugh. Wouldn’t it be great to marry into a family that could support your burgeoning wine business?

And then there’s the “extremely unique” Courtney, who Ben feels some mysterious force with. That mysterious force you’re feeling, Ben, is the magic of sex! Courtney is the only woman on this show to successfully harness it for evil.

And THIS is the prize.

Up first is Nicki, who must be relieved to be somewhere you can wear coats and stuff. Tropical was not her best look. Their first activity is to ride a helicopter through the mountains like they’re part of some science museum Omnimax feature. And yet, I never knew mountaintops could be so boring (sorry, Nicki!).

Nicki is freaking out about having told Ben that she is in love with him. She’s glad she said it, but also doing that thing that women do when they just want to talk about something until they feel less insecure about it. Ben has clearly forgotten she said anything, and is pretending to know what she’s talking about.

ben_allthethings.jpgYeah, all those things you said, mmhmm.

Less talking, more smooching. Ben is hoping Nicki will say yes to the overnight because “it feels like we’re continuing … our love … story.” A living example of how men think about sex every 7 seconds or so.

“Ben” has a surprise for Nicki, and it’s … a log cabin that the producers filled with candles and a picnic! Ben gives us every indication in interviews that he and Nicki are working the slow burn. He enjoys her a little more each time he sees her. But she did squeal really loud and high on their way into the cabin, which seemed to annoy him.

Nicki asks Ben to tell her if she’s ever “too much too soon,” then asks him, “how many kids do you want?? TOO FAR??” Hey Nicki, your Jaimie is showing! #stoptalking

Ben looked uncomfortable, and his eyes glazed over a couple times. But he tells Nicki, “I love our conversations,” then presents her with the envelope so they can admire each other’s conversations in the Fantasy Suite.

She says yes, of course, and Ben remarks on her confidence. Really, Ben? Anyway, there was a huge nasty bubble bath just prime for tongue kissing and then some. Absolutely sick. Side note: I hate the way Ben leads with tongue when he kisses these women. It is gross.

Lynzi’s date is up next, and this fool didn’t wear a jacket! In Switzerland! Ben learned, in an airport no doubt, that Interlaken is the Extreme Sports capitol of … somewhere. The world? Switzerland? So he is excited to do this date he didn’t plan. It turns out that it’s rappelling 300 feet off a ledge. Wow, what a terrible time! But at least Lynzi scored the Fear Date!

The slide slowly down on their ropes, holding hands and exchanging glances. Glances that say, “I’m peeing a little right now!”

Deeper feelings were established, the further they fell. He does seem to like her a little more than Nicki, don’t you think? They walk away from the ledge, still wearing their harnesses, and the editors interspliced some footage of sheep.

Everyone knows it’s Windy Lynzi.

All of a sudden, Ben and Lynzi were in a hot tub, embracing. Ben can’t wait for the overnight portion so he can put Lynzi’s entire head in his mouth like a python. Maybe! Maybe that’s what he’s into! Weird, freaky, snake/Voldemort sex. But first, dinner (and Lynzi’s face for dessert!).

I really wish Lynzi would stop harping on that bad breakup she had. It is not cute. At dinner, she admits to Ben that it was hard to open up. Now she’s ready to “I don’t know, give you all of me, I don’t know.” She kept saying, “I don’t know? I mean?” Has she always been like this? I don’t know? I mean? Maybe finally I guess she’s opening up and breaking down those walls kind of a little? I can think of one wall she should tear down: the wall of foundation on her face. Too much makeup, girl. Maybe try a new brand? I don’t know, A tinted moisturizer?

Ben gives her the Overnight card and she acts surprised. How charming. “Normally I don’t just go stay the night with anyone,” Lynzi says. What a girl. “Usually I don’t do this, but …” Of course she decides to forego her individual room. Who is she–Kacie B? They sit facing each other on the couch, and he sucked all her foundation off. She changed into a man’s shirt, and they moved into the bedroom. Why does Ben get to keep his clothes on and Lynzi doesn’t even get pants?

Last but not least, in terms of the sanctioned dates, it’s Courtney! Things have been going really well for Courtney this entire time, but they went even better when she and Ben pretended to marry and she made him put the things he likes about her in writing. Ben and Courtney go on a beautiful train ride from one fairy tale to another. Welcome to Wengen, Courtney! Sorry nobody likes you, but being no one said being beautiful would be easy!

They enjoy a picnic in a field with some cows. One of the cows managed to get her ass in Courtney’s shot.


Ben confronts Courtney about how she treated the other girls, and Courtney pretends to regret it. He said it was “pretty messed up,” but then stopped himself for getting into it. He wishes she could have made it easier for him (but Ben, she made it SO EASY for you!). This causes Courtney to realize that she might not win, and then some of her human was showing.

She seemed almost genuinely remorseful that she had messed up, and made things difficult for Ben. She was not, however, remorseful about the terrible things she had said to the other girls, and the way she treated them. What’s done is done, and Ben clearly doesn’t want to talk about it for fear of losing the illustrious Model Sex. OK but girls like Courtney in bed … do you think she just lies there? I bet she just lies there.

So, back in Interlaken, Ben and Courtney descend into the wine lair.

It’s a wine cellar! It’s Hell! It’s both.

Courtney wants to put the “other girls” issue on the table, which I’m proud of her for doing. Still, I don’t like that she’s one of those girls who “only gets along with guys,” because that should be a huge red flag. But if you bare your breasts behind that red flag, no one will even care, right girls??

“I have lots of woman friends, my mom and my sister,” Ben says, and I’m reminded of Ben’s cool sister. What will SHE say? It doesn’t matter, Ben only wants to see the best in Courtney, and will take the morsel of an apology she expressed as proof that somehow, somewhere, there’s a good person in there.

Moving forward to the Main Event: The Fantasy Suite! If there was anything we could be sure about, it’s that Courtney would agree to stay overnight in the Fantasy Suite. Because Courtney is great at toying with men, she asks Ben to tell her how he feels about things. She’s making HIM work for it, which is a bold and admirable move in this game. It’s definitely too late for us to like Courtney, but I don’t think she is Rosemary’s Baby anymore. This is quality entertainment and I would love it if Ben picked her. And, to be fair, Ben really seems to have the best time with Courtney. He’s the most interested and engaged when he’s with her.

YAY! Sneak Peek of Emily Maynard as The Bachelorette! Ali and Ashley will “help” her figure this whole thing out as they have their hair and makeup done! Look at Emily picking up all those crappy toys. What a single mom. She has never needed Ali and Ashley more.

Typical Emily, cleaning up after someone else’s mess.
And typical Brad, leaving his dolls out when he’s done playing.

Ashley and Ali, inexplicably, are both dressed like Laker Girls on their day off. They have all kinds of tips like how to put the roses on the guys when they aren’t wearing a proper suit jacket! How to wear a statement necklace! How to wear a dress that is sparkly from head to toe! And finally, they go see Titanic 3-D. All by themselves. This is simultaneously the best and the worst.

So, never give up on love, Emily, even though you had to date Brad. They all agree that Emily deserves a love like Jack and Rose’s, except THIS TIME, he won’t die on you, Emily. Awww, it’s sad because that happened.

Ben tells us that all his concerns are laid to rest, since he actually had the balls to confront Courtney about being mean and she admitted that maybe she might have kind of been mean a couple times. BUT Kacie B traveled by map all the way to Switzerland to be awkward.

She’s acting crazy and Ben is like, “so … why are you here?” but he lets Kacie struggle her way through. “I don’t even know what happened,” she begins. Ben grunts. “I wanted to see if you’d tell me what happened,” Kacie says. Well, OK, but you could have used the telephone.

Well, Kacie, YOUR DAD happened. Also, your weird family, and you really focusing too much on the baton twirling thing. But Ben says “worlds apart” and “different backgrounds.” He didn’t see his life going that way (the way of chastity). He didn’t see her in the end, or rather, he didn’t see her in his bed. Ben does not want to leave room for Jesus.

So, that awkward conversation went on for what I’m sure felt like hours. Ben told her he was sorry, and then Kacie decided to go out with a bang.

“Because I love you and I care about you, I don’t want to see you get your heart broken again … and I feel like if you were to choose Courtney you would get your heart broken,” Kacie says. Then she tells Ben of Courtney’s aspirations to “win” and that one time she said the unthinkable: that Ben is not the only guy in the world.

OK, Alex Forrest, GOOD TALK! Ben walks Kacie out to process everything, and then lays down on the dirty floor of the hotel lobby. Sorry, Kacie, I wish we could console you with promises of being the next Bachelorette, but Emily already went and saw Titanic 3-D to seal the deal.

I know it seems like I’m rooting for Courtney, but it’s really more that I’m rooting against Ben and everyone else. I want the most beautiful disaster for the finale possible.

Ben is confused because he really wants to continue to sleep with Courtney as much as possible before she realizes that it’s not just terrible hair–Ben has a terrible head/face. But what if Courtney is as terrible a person as everyone has been telling him? It’s time to call in Chris Harrison. Ben was completely certain until Kacie showed up, and now he’s uncertain.

“Do you want Kacie in the rose ceremony tonight?” Chris asks. Uhhhhh …. NO, is Ben’s answer, basically. Nope, sorry Chris, not confused about THAT. They review the dates: Nicki was there in the helicopter, Lynzi lights up a room and was probably good in bed, and Courtney offered a half-assed apology for her behavior. There you have it.

“Where’s your head?” Chris asks, helpfully, but Ben doesn’t have an answer. Will there be a cocktail party even? Will Kacie be lying on the floor in the hallway, preventing the girls from going to the cocktail party? Occupy Interlaken!

No cocktail party. What’s the point? It probably took them hours to get down that spiral staircase. This is the penultimate rose ceremony! Candelabras everywhere! Nicki wore her nicest dress from Charlotte Russe. Without further a candelabra:

Lynzi gets the first rose. One step closer to Ben’s heart, which already has an evil curse placed on it. The last rose goes to … Courtney, of course-ney! She’s a better alternative to Nicki, who might be pretty authentic, but is boring and has captured Ben’s attention the least. Sorry, Nicki, maybe next time you should have richer parents or show your boobs more.

“I just hope you’re making the right decision,” Nicki quavers. What an embarrassing dress to get dumped in, though. “I cried a little bit today, I’m not gonna lie,” Ben says, as if to console Nicki. Ben, you are truly just OK. He’s not worth having all these nice girls looking out for him, hoping he won’t be heartbroken again. I don’t have a connection with Ben, so I would love to see him heartbroken.

Nicki has a good limo cry, and Ben grunts it off. Another day, another rose in the ocean, I suppose!

Next week, Meghan will be back to recap “The Women Tell All.” I’m sure everyone will completely trash Courtney, who will not be there to defend herself like Michelle was last year. And then, in two weeks, Ben will go skiing with both women, and if neither of them falls off the edge of a mountain, Ben will be forced to choose between Good and Evil. Or rather, Decent and Relatively Evil.

(images courtesy of ABC)

Carla Patton

Writer, BuddyTV

Originally from Seattle, Carla recently took a husband and moved to Austin, Texas, where she is finally using her television “problem” to her advantage. It’s sort of like Dexter, but boring and less murdering. Carla’s favorite shows include 30 RockThe Amazing RaceProject RunwayModern Family, anything with murder, and pretty much anything gross and weird (CSIThe BachelorToddlers & Tiaras, etc.). Favorite canceled shows include: Arrested DevelopmentVeronica Mars and Average Joe. In her spare time, Carla leads tours of downtown Austin on a Segway (don’t knock it ’til you’ve tried it!), blogs about Netflix Instant, and visits elementary schools telling children they don’t need math to succeed (just kidding, stay in school, kids).