Am I the only one who thinks that this whole Jimmy Kimmel shtick is going to be lame?
I mean, talk about evidence that Farmer Chris is a boring choice as The Bachelor … the ABC execs are already sending in backup for laughs in the third episode. Sheesh!
But anyway, let’s get back to the show because there’s corny puns, a highly publicized Kimmel appearance and roses to give out to 21-year-olds who talk to aliens (we hope).
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Okay, fine, Jimmy Kimmel is kind of being funny. After stopping by Chris’ house to wake him up, Jimmy greets the ladies with a “Hello, sister-wives!” crack.
He then explains that he will be sleeping with each of the ladies and reporting back to Chris. He’s here to help! He also institutes a new rule. Any time the word “amazing” is said, the person who said it will put a dollar into the Amazing Jar.
That rule is amazing and Jimmy is right — they will probably have enough money to buy the mansion at the end of this season. (The only word that is said more on this show? “Journey.” A Journey Jar full of dollars could buy ABC at the end of this season.)
Jimmy also delivers the week’s first date card and it’s for Kaitlyn, the outgoing Canadian. The date card promises unlimited appetizers, fabulous views and extravagance.
So, of course, Kaitlyn and Chris are chauffeured to … Costco?
A Tub of Mayo
“We’re getting out here?” asks Kaitlyn as the car pulls up to Costco. Yes, Kaitlyn. Yes, you are.
A note from Jimmy informs them that he will be coming for dinner tonight, so it’s up to Chris and Kaitlyn to do the shopping. On the list: such necessities as a tub of mayo, beef jerky, jeans and more.
Chris seems peeved at the Costco excursion, but Kaitlyn takes it in stride. All is good once they are back home making out and drinking bourbon, though.
Jimmy shows up, calling himself a “lubricant” who is not afraid to ask the tough questions, aka he’s gonna do some shit-stirring.
Jimmy’s first question for Kaitlyn is whether or not she will be okay if she’s in the final three and Chris sleeps with each of the ladies in the Fantasy Suite.
Ever the cool girl, Kaitlyn says it’s totally fine with her, prompting Jimmy to suggest that they have a threesome.
Kaitlyn gets the date rose, probably because Chris forgot that she has those matching tats on the back of her arms.
They canoodle in the hot tub while Jimmy (also in the hot tub) munches on chicken wings.
The Farm Test
How else does one prep for a group date on The Bachelor than by doing squats and bench presses? Oh, that’s just Jillian who does that? Gotcha.
Jillian believes that if there’s a competition on the group date, she will muscle her way to some free time. Sidenote: the black bar is still censoring some unknown thing on her butt. I’m convinced it’s hair, thanks to a comment by Drunk Jordan last week.
Also on the group date: Britt, Jillian, Becca, Tracy, Mackenzie, Kelsey, Amber, Ashley S., Julia, Samantha, Nikki and Carly.
Once again, Jimmy joins the date and tells the ladies that they will be tested on various farm tasks, since they will potentially become a farmer’s wife.
The tasks are shucking corn, cracking eggs, milking goats, shoveling manure and wrestling greased pigs.
Carly finds herself in the lead entering the final part of the competition, until Jillian hops the fence with her butt hanging out and the black bar blazing.
But Carly still manages to pull out a victory by coercing the greased pig into the victory lane.
Score! Jillian can take her short-shorts and her black bar and go do 20 push-ups. Stat.
The evening portion of the group date finds Chris doing lots of making out. Lots.
He makes out with Carly, Britt and Amber, just to name a few. Although, to be fair, he was probably just making out with Amber to stop the painfully awkward slow-dancing to no music that she roped him into.
When Mackenzie catches wind of everyone else making out with Chris, she questions him about it. He mumbles something about being his true self and this seems to be enough to satisfy Mackenzie. Still, she wonders if her boldness is going to get her sent home.
No, sweetie, it’s your childlike stupidity and immaturity that are gonna accomplish that one.
Perhaps trying to prove that he’s not all about smooching, Chris gives the group date rose to the one person who went out of her way to tell him that she wasn’t ready to kiss him yet — Becca.
Carly is pissed.
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Poor little Whitney didn’t get a date in the previous episode and was thinking that she wasn’t going to get one this time either. Until the last date card showed up and it was for her!
I have to admit, I didn’t like Whitney at first. Her voice. It irritated me to no end. But now I see that her high voice plus Chris’ girly giggle make them a match made in heaven. They even both like to say “YOLO.”
Their date takes them to a vineyard where they sip wines and discuss Chris’ perfect match. He likes a girl who can go into a party and have a conversation with someone she doesn’t know. Someone who is outgoing and bold.
These seem to be personality traits that Whitney possesses, as she suggests that they go crash a wedding that is happening in the fields below them at the winery.
Chris and Whitney get all dolled up and head to the wedding, even bringing along a gift for the happy couple.
Their plan to mingle and not get caught is successful, thanks to Whitney’s smooth-talking. On his own, Chris would have blown it.
They pretend to be engaged, and I’m surprised that no one at the wedding recognizes him. Or maybe they do and this is all a huge set-up that the wedding party is in on.
(I have little trust left for Team Bachelor after witnessing the lovey-dovey show that Andi and Josh put on at the premiere just days before announcing their split.)
Both Chris and Whitney can’t stop gushing about this perfect date and how amazing (cha-ching!) each other is.
“The girl’s got a lot more going on than I ever imagined, and she killed it,” says an impressed Chris after the date.
Jimmy stops by the mansion to tell the ladies that the cocktail party has been cancelled in favor of a daytime pool party.
Mostly everyone is thrilled, except for Ashley I., who is sad that she won’t get to do the “Kardashian look” she was planning for the evening. Instead, she’ll do her Jersey Shore sparkly headband look.
Can these girls quit it with the headbands? That was, like, so Bachelor Pad three summers ago.
Everyone’s having a grand old time splashing in the pool until Juelia has a fabulous idea.
Juelia sees a pool party and thinks “Great time to bring up my husband’s suicide!” again. I get that you want to confide in Chris about your past, but is this a dating show or a therapy session?
This conversation is full-on sobbing, emotions pouring out, producers getting tissues, etc.
So now if Chris gives her a rose, it’s clearly a pity rose. Personally, I think there is no connection between them and he should just cut her loose.
The other ladies grapple for time with Chris. Britt scores yet another make-out session, Jade (who?) scores a tour of Chris’ house (and a make-out) and Jillian scores some more black bar censoring of her butt.
Ashley I., Megan and Mackenzie bust in on Jillian’s private hot tub party with Chris but leave after she tells them she’s literally only had one minute alone with Chris.
Then they come back five minutes later, but it does not go according to plan. Because Jillian won’t leave.
Ashley ends up frustrated and crying that she doesn’t want only a minute with Chris! Hey, Ashley, if Chris wanted to spend time with you, he’d come find you. But you’re an aggressive kisser with a bad attitude. It’s your own fault.
Ashley does finally get some alone time with Chris, but she totally blows it by doing a weird crying/laughing fit that undoubtedly freaks Chris out, although he plays it off well. They have another forceful kissing session initiated by Ashley.
If I had my way, at least half of these chicks would be going home. They’re all insane.
But Chris still has some faith, I guess, because he actually wants to keep most of them around for another week.
Kaitlyn, Becca and Whitney already have roses.
Chris hands out roses at the Rose Ceremony to:
And the final rose goes to…
Going home are Amber, Tracy and Trina.
I think it’s hilarious that Ashley I. said she specifically asked Chris to give her a rose early in the rose ceremony and he waited until the end to give her one. Although, I would have preferred he just send her home.
Next time, there is lots of drama brewing! The ladies discover that two among them are virgins (gasp!), plus Britt and Chris have an argument.
Catch The Bachelor Monday nights at 8pm on ABC.
(Image courtesy of ABC)
Contributing Writer, BuddyTV