Take heart, fellow heartless Bachelor-heads. When one door to an emotionally unstable woman’s deepest nightmares closes, another one opens.
Some of us worried last night, when Jenna — unofficially dubbed “Scary Bradshaw” because she’s a New York-based blogger who collects insecurities instead of shoes — was eliminated. Would the crazy on this season of The Bachelor die with her?
Well, of course it won’t. First of all, we still have Blakeley the Cocktail Waitress and Evil Courtney to keep the flame alive. And next week, a ghost — an ACTUAL ghost! except not literally — will return to the show to spook the rest of the women, including the ones who seemed relatively well-balanced up until now. The ghost takes no prisoners. All will be driven to jealous insanity! I hope that makes Jenna feel a little better as she watches the show next week, chained to a bed in whichever mental institution that limo dropped her off at. She may be alone. But she’s not alone in her madness.
Watch Jenna’s “diary of the departed,” plus two more deleted scenes from last night’s Bachelor episode and the preview for next week’s episode which reveals the identity of the scary ghooost:
Diaries of the Departed: Shawn the Gracious Mom and Crazy Blogger Jenna. Future Bachelor contestants, take note: Below, we see the right way and the very, very, extremely WRONG way to film a departure video. Shawn, on the one hand, expresses her gratitude for the experience, praises Ben and hopes he finds a nice girl. She sees this for what it was — a free two week vacation — and leaves with her head held high. Then, on the other hand, there’s Jenna, non-rhetorically asking “Are you kidding me?” to a wall and hugging herself because no one else will. She leaves with her head scraping the pavement — but that might also have something to do with being too drunk to walk.
Deleted Scene: The Kids Quiz Ben. And Ben teaches the kids about the pros of playing the field, and sounds like THE BIGGEST DOUCHE in the process: “Currently I have 18 girlfriends. No favorites.”
Silly kids. The Bachelor isn’t about looooove. It’s about gettin’ laaaaaid! (OooooOOooooh!) Don’t worry, you’ll understand when you’re older. And you’ll hate yourselves for it.
The Bachelor Uncensored: Pool Surfing. The funny thing about these “uncensored” clips is how they’re always more innocent than anything on the actual show.
Promo: The Ghost of Bachelor Past Returns! I have two favorite things about this video, and (surprise!) they’re both how dumb it is. First, after teasing that the surprise guest was a woman from Ben’s past, i.e. an ex-girlfriend, and trying for weeks to keep her identity a secret, ABC just decided to say screw it and reveal her identity a week before the episode. But her identity is still a massive disappointment. Shawntel has nothing to DO with Ben. That crazy one is right when she yells, “You don’t KNOW Ben!” Shawntel literally does not know Ben. And he has no reason to prioritize her over anyone else. I barely remember her from Brad’s season, and I really only recall that she runs a funeral home and loves to talk about embalming — not exactly INSTANT DREAM WOMAN stuff.
Stupid way to reveal a stunt, and stupid stunt to begin with. But that doesn’t mean we won’t love watching all those lions in their den, circling and pouncing and clawing and biting each other’s pretty little heads off.
What do you think of Shawntel’s “surprise” return? And would you like a little refresher on the lovely undertaker? I recommend reading the recap of her hometown date with Brad, when she “put the ‘fun’ in funeral home” by asking Brad to lay down on her embalming table and forcing him to decide how he’d want to be buried. Who wouldn’t want to marry her? (Besides Brad.)
(Image courtesy of ABC)