Before every episode of The Amazing Race, Andy Rooney rambles on incoherently to end 60 Minutes. It is an exasperating event every week, and yet, I have a sneaking suspicion that for years, Mr. Rooney’s asinine blatherings have made The Amazing Race seem like a better show than it is. I Love Toy Trains would probably be the pinnacle of excitement after watching Rooney. Anyway, tonight, Andy Rooney admits to having a hard-on for counting things. Like stairs and days of the presidency. Then he talks about how Obama likes to decorate the Oval Office. And then he talks about Obama’s desk, and how Andy made his own desk out of some wood from his property. The point – being President is hard. Andy Rooney, the crazy uncle you never had who inexplicably gets air time on national television.
Jaime and Cara take their next clue from Phil – they head out to someplace which has a name I cannot pronounce. Margie and Luke arrive soon after, and hustle out of there. Margie is looking a little ragged. Jaime and Cara are a little bit bitter about not getting their first win leg. Jaime and Cara get the clue at this outdoor shopping center – they have to search the shops for the Travelocity gnome. Tammy and Victor reach The Keoghan, and hustle off to the shopping center. Kisha and Jen receive the great news from Phil that the leg is not over – “Shut the hell up,” says Kisha. Second life.
The teams have to keep the gnome until the next pit stop. Margie and Luke are the first to find their gnome. Next stop is to the big river where teams must pick up a motorized bicycle near the Forbidden City, and ride them through Tiananmen Square. Jaime and Cara are struggling with the language barrier, and start getting very frustrated. Tammy and Victor get to the bikes first and start booking across the city. It’s morning now – teams have to be obscenely tired. The other three teams are close behind in a clump.
Detour – Beijing Opera or Chinese Waiter
In Opera, they have to get “made up” and costumed as opera characters (a Princess and a Gentleman). In Chinese Waiter, teams have to take an order from a group of Chinese people at a restaurant and recite the order, in Mandarin, to the cooks and then wait for the orders to be served. Tammy and Victor decide to the Waiter option, because they speak Chinese. That’s pretty unfair. Tammy and Victor mess up the order the first time, for reasons that remain unclear.
Kisha and Jen are made up in a disturbing white-face, and end up looking like clowns. Margie and Luke join them in the make-up room. Luke is still anti-Kisha and Jen. Margie gets all pissed off when Luke applies the make-up on her. It’s doesn’t feel right, watching a son apply make-up on his mother. Margie is terribly annoying.
Luke says “I’m finished,” and pretends to leave. Kisha and Jen finish quickly. On the second try, Tammy and Victor get it right and receive their next clue. Jaime and Cara finally find a taxi. Tammy and Victor are heading to some place on foot – wherever this place is, there is a U-Turn there. It is not a Blind U-Turn, though. Teams WILL be held accountable, as if that should matter in anyone’s decision-making. Kisha and Jen are the next to leave for the U-Turn, however….
Tammy and Victor use the U-Turn on Kisha and Jen. They cite the fact that Kisha and Jen are too athletic.
Tammy and Victor get their next clue, and are told to make their way to an outdoor market. Margie and Luke are difficult to watch. Jaime and Cara get dropped off at the wrong Opera House and they get, like, totally pissed.
Road Block – Eat Street Food
One team member has to eat a plate of grasshoppers, larva, scorpions and starfish. Typical Chinese street food. None of the stuff looks all that bad. The larva is probably the worst.
Margie, Luke, Jen and Kisha all struggle mightily to find the U-Turn. Jaime and Cara walk down a busy street, unable to find a taxi. They finally find one, but they are starting to despise the people of China. They finally find their way to the opera, and do each other’s make-up.
Victor finishes eating, and head to the next pit stop – The Bird’s Nest. It was the main stadium for the Beijing Olympics. Jaime and Cara race in their silly costumes to the U-Turn. Kisha and Jen, meanwhile, still have not found the U-Turn. Neither have Margie and Luke. It can’t be that complicated. All three teams are looking together now.
Margie and Luke find it finally, get their clue, and are ecstatic to see the U-Turn used on their Arch-Enemies.
Tammy and Victor are team number one. They win a trip for two to the Galapagos Islands.
Jaime and Cara still haven’t found the U-Turn. Margie and Luke start on their Street Food, Margie taking the stomach bullets for the team. Kisha and Jen find the U-Turn and disappointment washes over them. Kisha and Jen, predictably, struggle mightily with taking the orders. However, Jaime and Cara still can’t find the U-Turn. They hate, hate hate Chinese people and their stupid language.
Kisha and Jen finally get the orders correct, and then serve the meals. Jaime and Cara decide to head back to the opera and retrace their steps. Kisha and Jen get their street food on. Jaime and Cara get all chippy with each other, after they finally find the U-Turn and head to the street food.
Margie and Luke are team number two. They celebrate wildly.
Jen is taking her sweet time with the gross food. Cara and Jaime show up as Jen is still working on her Starfish. Cara takes the food on for Team Cheerleader. She dominates her food, and Jen vomits a little bit. Jen is eating one tiny piece at a time, then downing a bunch of water. JUST EAT IT! Still, Jen finishes before Cara does. Jaime is loving watching her friend destroy that awful food.
Cara finishes, and do their darnedest to get a taxi. They actually find one quickly, for the first time. Jen has to pee really bad, because she downed about four bottles of water during the street food challenge. Jen actually uses a porto-potty before checking in. Risky, risky move. The cheerleaders arrive at the Bird’s Nest. It’s a foot-race now.
WOW. Jaime and Cara are team number three.
And Jen and Kisha have been eliminated. They are the first team to get eliminated because of a pee break. Jen cries to Phil because she lost it for their team. I’m amazed she couldn’t suck it up for five minutes. Hell – you’re playing for a million bucks. Just piss your pants.
Stay tuned for our interview with Jen and Kisha tomorrow.