Snakes. Why’d it have to be snakes?
Both metaphorical and actual snakes were on display in the “Restraint” episode of Teen Wolf. And oh, did those snakes do bad things very worthy of that serpent master, Lord Voldemort!
Voldemort Orders the Death of Random People
Seriously, I have no idea who these people are supposed to be. They are poor. They live in a trailer. They’re scared of something.
And the kanima master wants them dead.
This is achieved via the horror-movie cliche of shutting off the power. When the poor guy goes outside, he has a chat with a shadowy figure in the mist before Jackson’s kanima tail drops out of a tree to scoop him up.
The poor guy’s wife or girlfriend or whatever gets really into the whole horror movie thing now. The shadowy figure points at her and then poof! disappears. Poor Lady shrieks around her house a bit before the kanima uses Sean’s body as an entrance strategy. Lady seems about to become kanima fodder but then…
Jackson the Kanima sees the Poor Lady’s prominent baby bump. Awww… Jackson won’t kill a pregnant woman. I wonder if that will be at all important??? Hmmm…
Parents Fail to Channel Their Inner Voldemorts
Remember how Scott and Stiles stole that police van and kidnapped Jackson last week? You might think they’d go to jail for this. But that would mess up the Teen Wolf plots, so we’re going with a restraining order.
Stiles finds this amusing. Sheriff Stilinski does not. He almost gets really mad about this. Mrs. McCall tries for “mad” as well and even tries to ground Scott for theft, kidnapping, test-skipping and general teenage delinquency. Alas, all that she can find to take away is Stiles. And you cannot stop the Stiles!
One key, random point comes up here: Scott shifts the blame for his delinquency away from an Allison-induced broken heart and on to his absent father. That father is totally going to become important sooner or later.
Voldemort Had Parental Issues Too
Lukewarm punishment is not the end of parental trouble in this Teen Wolf episode! Not by a long-shot.
Allison’s issues mostly have to do with the Big Brother-esque cameras all over the school. Since their main purpose does seem to be to make sure Allison never speaks to Scott, Allison’s issues are pretty justified.
Fortunately, she’s a teenager and is therefore sneaky by definition. She meets Scott and Stiles by peering through a hole in a library bookshelf and she passes on the information that a kanima is actually supposed to be a werewolf. It’s just that the kanima has issues.
You know, like parental issues.
Since Jackson is super weird about his adoption and birth parents, our heroes make the swift (and totally correct) assumption that Mommy- and Daddy-issues turn Jackson slimy instead of furry. But what’s up with those missing parents?
No one knows. Except Lydia. And an insurance adjustor. But more about them later.
For now, we have one more parental issue. Mrs. McCall has finally come to the conclusion that there may be something going on with Scott. Even though she tries (rather hilariously) to be the cool Mom who doesn’t snoop, curiosity wins.
That curiosity is rewarded — after a police raid-style trashing of Scott’s room — by a box of nearly empty condoms. Uh oh…
Jackson = Voldemort?
Comfortable in his restraining order, Jackson strolls into an empty classroom. Tanks of spiders and snakes immediately catch his attention. This is, in itself, not so weird. I would totally take a look at a big snake-filled tank in that classroom.
But Jackson is a little more interested than is healthy. One might say Jackson is obsessed with those snakes. This is very unfortunate for the snakes.
In a Teen Wolf moment guaranteed to give me nightmares for at least a couple of weeks, Jackson lovingly picks up one unlucky serpent. And lets it slither straight into his mouth.
Did you catch that: THE SNAKE SLITHERED INTO JACKSON’S MOUTH! And it didn’t come out. This dietary choice/possession leaves Jackson even more creepy and douchey than usual.
Snake Jackson decides it’s a great time for a shower. Allison follows him into the boys’ locker room (having deflected an awkward flirtation with Matt(?), who likes raves). This is a poor choice, and not just because it’s a boys’ locker room.
Allison finds Jackson naked (WOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!) and snakey. For no obvious reason (other than a snake in his brain), Naked Snake Jackson attacks Allison with mean words about her doomed romance and hot-but-scary nudity.
Snake Boy has a point.
Forget the Battle of Hogwarts. This Is the Battle of the Boys’ Locker Room!
Allison is more than capable of taking care of herself, even with the distraction of Jackson’s nakedness. She gets Jackson to ditch the snake-brain with a clever self-defense move. Scott, however, still needs to come to the rescue. Or maybe he just wanted to get out of a chemistry test?
Whether defending the lady or avoiding Scantron sheets, Scott bursts into the locker room for a throw-down with Jackson. Tossed weights, broken sinks and a whole bunch of slow motion moves make for an impressive battle of the shape-shifting Titans!
And no one would have noticed if they had just kept the fight in the locker room…
Voldemort and Derek Both Had Trouble with Followers
Derek isn’t much of a werewolf daddy. Or maybe his puppies are just dumb. Either way, the baby werewolves are completely unprepared for the upcoming full Moon. Derek’s solution seems to be creepy, S&M harnesses and accelerated kanima killing. In order to find said kanima, Derek sends Erika out to flirt that information out of Stiles. Or something.
Much like Voldemort, Derek finds it difficult to get anything done when his followers are put in charge.
Erika does manage to work out that Jackson must be the kanima. But instead of running straight to Derek with this information, Erika spends some time moaning about how Stiles never loved her.
Erika and Stiles don’t get to work out their romantic tension though. Other stuff — of the monster-fight variety — gets in the way. As it does on Teen Wolf. It’s pretty hard to think of high-school crushes — and Matt(?) picking up the bestiary-filled iPad — when Scott and Jackson are getting it on.
How exactly does Matt(?) know to look so fast, by the way?
The Boy Who Lived (and Then Turned into a Slimy Lizard Monster)
Since Mr. Harris, the world’s creepiest chemistry teacher, observed the fight between Jackson and Scott, everybody involved ends up in library detention. Stiles and Scott use their time to suspect Matt(?) of being the Kanima Master (because he’s evil!).
Jackson, post-fight, isn’t doing the snake-brain thing, but he does have a massive headache. As you do when there’s a snake in your brain. The headache is pretty obvious, so even stone-cold Mr. Harris is a little concerned and follows Jackson to the door of the bathroom.
It’s good that Jackson gets his privacy. No one — the television-viewing audience included — needs to see what happens next. That’s because the brain-snake makes its exit from Jackson’s head. Via his eyeball.
Good lord, Teen Wolf. Why are you doing this to us???
If Jackson’s eyeball-snake issue is too much for you, at least things are boringly revelatory back in the library. Erika’s father turns out to be the insurance adjustor who worked on the car-wreck case that killed Jackson’s parents years before. By breaking into Dad’s computer files, Erika soon shows Scott and Stiles that Jackson’s parents were DOA at the hospital.
Oddly, this was one day before Jackson’s birth. Well, that’s creepy.
Harris = Voldemort? (With an Assist from Mrs. Argent)
Scott gets a brief reprieve from the insurance investigations when called to the principal’s office. It’s not Grandpa Gerard though — Mrs. Argent has occupied this office. One might think this is better than Gerard, but one would be wrong. This is because Mrs. McCall stopped by earlier for a chat about those condoms of Scott’s.
Let’s just say that Mrs. Argent is a little angry. As many pencils die a tragic death at Mrs. Argent’s hands, Scott insists that he never slept with Allison. This is probably a lie, even though we don’t have much proof one way or another.
Back in detention, Mr. Harris takes off, leaving the students to re-shelve books until the end of time. The chemistry gets into his car and drives away…
And we see a familiar bumper sticker. That person who bonded with the kanima on the dark road drove Mr. Harris’ car! Is he the Kanima Master?
Someone sure is. Within moments of Harris’ departure, Jackson starts seeing commands in book titles. It doesn’t take much (“Jackson, close your eyes. Close them now.”) and Jackson is straight into kanima mode and semi-catatonic. Matt(?) and Erika go down with kanima slashes to the neck, but then Jackson breaks off the attack. The Master has a message for everyone this time: “STAY OUT OF MY WAY OR I’LL KILL ALL OF YOU.”
Jackson then leaps out the window. And Erika starts having a seizure in reaction to the kanima venom.
It’s All in Your Head, Harry Lydia
Where has Lydia been throughout all of this? In simple terms, Lydia is in werewolf-induced lala land.
Lydia can’t find her flower from Psycho Boy, so she heads over to his house. This would be a creepy, empty mansion on the other side of a misty field. Psycho Boy shows up out of nowhere and insists on a kiss when he learns of the lost flower.
It’s some kiss too. But just when you think more is coming… Everything changes.
The beautiful, empty mansion is replaced by the falling-down Hale ruins. Psycho Boy is replaced by a burned and bloody Peter Hale. And Lydia starts to scream.
So much for that romance.
Harry Scott Has a Bad Feeling About This. He’s Not Wrong.
Erika’s seizures don’t end, so Scott and Stiles need to take her to Derek for healing. Scott really, really doesn’t want to leave Allison behind. He has a bad feeling about something.
But when are things not bad between Scott and Allison?
That thought as motivation, we return to Derek’s subway car. Erika’s healing requires a broken arm and venom draining. And with a random comment about Batman, Erika passes out.
Erika’s struggle prompts a decision from Scott — he’s going to help Derek track down the kanima. But not to kill him. And Derek has to it all Scott’s way. Yay! Hot power struggles are on their way!
The power struggles will have to wait. We need a few more plot twists first. This is Teen Wolf, after all.
In the first twist, we finally get back to Poor Lady. Having survived her encounter with the kanima, Poor Lady is in the hospital following the birth of her baby. Survival, however, ends here. A shadowy figure enters the doorway in a menacing fashion. Poor Lady’s weak protests are no match for the Kanima Master. With a gloved hand across the victim’s face, the Master finishes the job.
Now for the second twist. It’s not just screaming and hallucinations for Lydia. She’s now hanging out with Peter Hale in the broken-down house. Lydia may be catatonic, but Peter is having a grand old time. Psycho Boy was, of course, a hallucination, but Peter Hale’s plans go further than that. Lydia is the dead Alpha’s plan B.
Assuring Lydia of her sanity, Peter disappears. Lydia awakens to find her flower returned to her hand. As a strange smile crosses her face, we see the rotting corpse of Peter Hale lying mangled under the floorboards.
This may be a long-term plan worthy of Lord Voldemort himself.
Is Mr. Harris the one controlling the kanima? What will Peter’s ghost (or whatever) make Lydia do? How gross was Jackson’s snake-bonding? Leave your comments below!
(Images courtesy of MTV)