Abbie and Crane learn about a devilish plot to resurrect Commander William Howe and his army of zombie soldiers to strike fear in the hearts of all of Sleepy Hollow in “Dead Men Tell No Tales.” Crane and Abbie enlist the help of recent colleagues, Bones’ Dr. Brennan and Agent Booth, to uncover the location of the only weapon that will work against these undead, or “Draugur.” The question is, can the two hyper-curious and reality-based characters of Brennan and Booth come into the Sleepy Hollow universe without coming into contact with all the crazy supernatural drama that occurs there every single day?
The answer to that question is an unequivocal yes. Surprisingly, Abbie and Crane have managed to share the screen with the Bones universe not once, but twice. First, when they visit the Jeffersonian Institution in Bones‘ “The Resurrection in the Remains,” and then in “Dead Men Tell No Tales.” Let’s get down to the nitty gritty about these zombies as well as the clever way Crane and Abbie keep the Bones folks out of the fray.
Bones Recap: Sleepy Hollow Comes to the Jeffersonian >>>
Pandora Resurrects Commander William Howe
When we left the first half of the story in Bones‘ “The Resurrection in the Remains,” Howe’s decapitated remains, including his head, had been sent off to Sleepy Hollow. When “Dead Men Tell No Tales” opens, Pandora hijacks the courier van, tosses a rune-marked medallion onto Howe’s skeleton, and watches as his head rejoins his body and he comes back to life. He’s super ugly though, like a skinless corpse covered in white war paint. Pandora asks the super ugly Howe zombie if he will “answer the king’s call.” She says that he’s supposed to make the patriot scum (which either means Americans in general or turncoat Ichabod Crane specifically) afraid of Britain again.
Pandora tells Howe to awaken his dead countrymen and get revenge on Crane for trying to kill him long ago. So, this is definitely personal, people.
Team Witness Goes Bowling on Halloween and Get the Worst News Ever
Abbie dressed as Beyonce (or Queen Latifah?) and Crane, dressed exactly the same except for the shoes, go bowling with Jenny (as a British soldier, I think,) and Joe (dressed as either an emergency room surgeon or the victim of a campy slasher film). They run into Zoe dressed as Betsy Ross who flirts unabashedly with Crane. The significance of Zoe dressed as Crane’s red hot ex-lover isn’t lost on us, is it? Poor girl has no idea how she’s playing with this man … or maybe she does. Abbie encourages Crane to hit that, but he’s still nervous, having been screwed over by Katrina so recently.
A call alerts Crane that the courier company transporting Howe’s remains never arrived at the Historical Society. Rut ro. Two seconds later Crane, upon seeing the empty van and coffin, knows that this must be Pandora’s doing. He must be telepathic.
An Angel, a Devil, and a Vampire Walk Into a Bar
Okay, it’s not a bar, it’s a creepy cemetery, and the winged creature, the pointy-tailed creature, and the blood-sucking cape-wearing creature are actually just kids dressed up for Halloween mischief. They break into the swankiest mausoleum on the planet just as Howe’s corpse walks in and gives the command for his dead army to arise from its slumber. The kids wet their pants, scream, and somehow end up stuck to the ceiling of the mausoleum from which they fall just as soon as Abbie and Crane arrive. The undead, led by Howe, then descend upon Crane and Abbie who try to kill them again, but bullets don’t do anything but knock a couple of bones out of Howe’s hand and onto the floor. Crane and Abbie escape up a staircase in time to watch as the forces disintegrate in the sunlight outside the mausoleum.
Boss and Ex-Lover Daniel Reynolds Dangles a Promotion for Agent Mills
Back at the office Abbie notices lawyers coming out of her boss’ office and asks what gives. Reynolds confesses that he’s working on a special investigation involving the trafficking of antiquities stolen from foreign countries by terrorists during wartime. He asks Abbie if she’d like the role of task force coordinator when the time is right. How does this tie into Pandora and Howe’s mischief? Just wait.
Crane Regrets Not Killing Howe When He Had the Chance
Crane can find no explanation for the desecration they witnessed at the mausoleum. There’s nothing in Washington’s Bible, Franklin’s notebook or Grace Dixon’s journal that makes sense of it. Crane reveals he used to be under Howe’s command and he respected the guy. These tidbits are revealed during flashbacks of the confrontation between Crane and Howe. Crane recalls seeing Howe holding a medallion which one of Crane’s historical library books says has the power to resurrect dead people into nefarious unstoppable nocturnal warrior servants. The key to stopping the Draugur, according to Washington’s notes in the margin, is hidden in Howe’s original tomb, the tomb he was buried in before he was put in the mortsafe beneath the old church Brennan and the squints found him in.
Dead Men Walking Straight Into Pandora’s Arms
Washington wanted Crane to force Howe to order his troops to retreat from Manhattan so that great bloodshed could be avoided. Crane was unable to do that or kill the man when he refused. So now Crane is dealing with regret from that failure as well as the guilt over almost giving Howe the American spy names mentioned in “Whispers in theDark.Sucks to be you, Ichabod. Abbie reminds him what a turd Howe was and that Washington wanted him dead. Abbie wonders if Washington wanted Howe dead to stop him from using the medallion to reinforce his numbers by resurrecting the dead soldiers to continue the fight. Damn, that’s cold.
For some reason, Abbie is convinced this has to do with Pandora who’s obsessed with collecting people’s fear. What better night to generate a ton of fear than on Halloween night when everyone will be out in the streets to see the undead wandering around killing live people?
Will Brennan and Booth Throw Down with Abbie and Crane?
It will take two days to two weeks to get analysis of the bones that fell out of Howe’s hand when Abbie shot him during his dead-man-walking routine at the mausoleum. That analysis could solve the mystery of where Howe was originally entombed, and what could put an end to the Draugur. “Let’s call our Bones friends,” suggests Crane.
Dr. Brennan (Emily Deschanel) and Special Agent Seeley Booth (David Boreanaz) are up to the challenge as long as they can get home to dress daughter Christine as Jane Goodall and baby Hank as a chimp in time to take them trick-or-treating. Fair enough.
Party at the Jeffersonian
While conducting a thorough analysis of the bones at the lab, Brennan and Crane engage in a conversation about science versus the greater mysteries of the world. Brennan says superstition and stuff are hogwash. Crane counters with Thomas Jefferson believing in aliens. Brennan decries Jeffersonian’s insufficient knowledge of science as equaling that of a contemporary 4th grader. Crane throws faith, art, and love into the mix. Brennan has logical and physiological explanations for all of those things. Crane then gets all dramatic and romantic and says Brennan and Booth have more than just the perpetuation of the human race that keeps them together. Brennan, of course, insists that procreation (or attempted procreation) has a great deal to do with her relationship with Booth. Check and mate, Craney Boy.
Analysis of the bones from dead Howe’s hand and Crane’s knowledge of Washington’s wishes identify the capital building where Washington wanted his tomb to be housed as the ex-location of Howe’s corpse. Brennan forces Crane to invite her to participate in the rest of his investigation. Crane’s reaction to this is priceless. He’s clearly not thrilled.
Was Sheriff Corbin In Bed with the Mafia?
Cut to Jenny and Joe figuring out that Atticus Nevins is the name of the guy looking for the Shard of Anubis which Sophie had been searching for. (Didn’t we already know that?) Does this mean that Atticus Nevins was the kingpin of the antiquities black market?
Joe and Jenny track down a place Corbin used to meet Nevins at. There they see Sophie Foster. Joe spontaneously offers to trade the shard for a sit down with Atticus Nevins. After Sophie drives off, Jenny nearly eviscerates Joe for offering the sharb because they still don’t know what it’s capable of. Joe says he won’t let anything bad happen. Joe, buddy, haven’t you learned anything about your lack of control over bad things happening from spending time with Jenny? Sheesh.
Booth and Abbie Make a Pact, Sort Of
In the first half of the Bones/Sleepy Hollow crossover, Booth admitted he knew Corbin, Abbie’s previous mentor and that he had spoken of her to Booth. Abbie reminded Corbin of a young Booth, which Abbie finds as high praise. Booth advises Abbie that she doesn’t have to save the whole world in one day. In “Dead Men Tell No Tales,” Booth asks Abbie if this whole thing they are at the Jeffersonian to investigate is an off-book deal. He assures her that if Corbin had faith in her, she should have faith in herself and that no matter what, he has her back. Cool. Now lets spit, shake and call ourselves Skully and Mulder.
The Quad Hits the Capital Building for an Indiana Jones-Style Adventure
Brennan, Abbie, Crane and Booth go underneath the capital. Crane’s ring unlocks a secret bronze (?) wall revealing an ornate mausoleum with a beautiful tomb in it’s center. Brennan is astonished and Crane snarks about her previous lack of faith. (Take that, smarty pants anthropologist!)
While Crane and Brennan ogle the runes on the coffin (runes which match those written on the original coffin) Booth and Abbie stand back. Booth steps on a hidden plate in the floor and the wall drops back down, trapping Brennan and Crane inside the mausoleum with the coffin. Two seconds later barrels (like gun barrels) descend out of the ceiling spouting what Crane calls Greek fire and Brennan recognizes as napalm. Crane figures out that this gaseous stuff must be what can defeat the Draugur, though he says nothing to Brennan about it because he and Abbie are keeping that piece of information to themselves.
Booth shoots the puzzle lock to get the door to reopen, saving his wife and Crane from certain death. Brennan insists everything be brought back to the Jeffersonian for examination. Wait, can she do that? It’s under PODIS’ own home and office, for Christ’s sake.
Washington’s Tomb Was a Trap to End the Draugur
Apparently Greek fire is a ton more potent than modern day napalm, impervious to both water and sand. It will burn down the whole city of Sleepy Hollow until no carbon-based material remains. Abbie and Crane figure out that Howe must have been put in Washington’s tomb as bait to get the Draugur to come for his body. Once inside the sub-capital mausoleum to rescue Howe, the Draugur would be incinerated by the Greek fire. Brilliant strategy, I say … except that someone removed Howe from that tomb and reburied him in the old church. Who the hell did that? Maybe we shouldn’t worry our pretty little heads about that. This is all make-believe, after all.
In flashback once more we see Sexy Betsy Ross (the real one, not Zoe) and Crane meeting in the tunnels underground that the American’s are using to flee the island. Crane tells Sexy Betsy that Howe refused to evacuate Manhattan. Betsy tells Crane that counter measures were imminent, that’s why they were all running for their lives. Shortly after the Americans flee Manhattan, the island had burned to the ground. Crane now suspects that the counter measure to eradicate the British troops must have been Greek fire, meaning that those “troops” must have been an army of Draugur. Wow. President Washington was into some heavy caca.
Abbie says there ain’t no way she’s going to let the tow be burned to the ground to get rid of these nasty Draugur, so what’s the plan?
Pandora Gives the Order and Team Witness Gets Loaded
We haven’t mentioned Pandora in a while. As Crane and Abbie chat in the car, Pandora is out in the town square mixing with the costumed trick-or-treaters. She steals a trick-or-treat bag from a kid and calls upon Howe to get the troops ready. The poo is about to hit the propeller, people.
Back at home base, Crane and Abbie explain to Joe and Jenny all about the weapons they’ll be using to spew Greek fire on the Draugur. Jenny says they’ve made 10 gallons of the stuff. (Where did they get it? I’d like to know and how on earth can that be legal? Again, let’s not worry our pretty little heads.) Anyway, the plan is for Crane to go down into the tunnels as bait to lead the Draugur there. Once all the undead are locked in the tunnels, Team Witness will be able to hit them with the Greek fire without burning down all of humanity.
The Motley Crew Marches Into Sleepy Hollow
As the sun sets, Howe and his motley crew march into town. Everyone assumes they are a staged group of zombie soldiers … until those soldiers take a knee and prepare to open fire on the good people of Sleepy Hollow. Just in the nick of time, Abbie’s black SUV screeches between the Draugur and the innocent town folk, and not a bullet goes astray. Come on, not a single bullet?
Crane starts whupping ass (Wow. I didn’t know he had it in him!) until Howe finds him. They parry until Crane appears to run away like a chicken sh*t. What he’s really doing, however, is uncovering the entrance to the tunnels (sewers?) and jumping in, hoping Howe and Draugur are susceptible to Crane’s Pied Piper charm. Howe does follow and the two continue the beat the crap out of each other.
What Up, Abbs?
Meanwhile, above ground we see Abbie shooting her rifle, but who is she shooting? She’s not shooting Greek fire yet, because that would level the town, remember? Are there living enemies as well? Or is this snippet just to let us know that Abbie can still kick ass even if she isn’t in the sewers fighting Ragu, er, I mean, Draugur with Crane yet. Abbie rescues Crane from Howe and the two run off together. Howe calls crane a turncoat, and then steps into the Greek fire, ending himself so Crane won’t get the satisfaction of finally killing him himself. Abbie and Crane stand by, breathing heavily and dramatically. Watch out you don’t hyperventilate and pass out, soldier boy.
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Crane and Abbie and Brennan and Booth Say Their Goodbyes
Back at Team Witness’ home base, Crane and Abbie teleconference with Brennan and Booth. Apparently the Jeffersonian is taking over the excavation of Washington’s tomb, starting with the removal of the Greek fire. Brennan asks Crane to assist with the project, but he demurs. Brennan tries to ask him a bunch more questions including how he found that 200-year-old letter of Washington’s stating that Howe’s remains be entombed in Sleepy Hollow. She gets no answers.
After the video conference, Crane is relieved to have the whole thing over with. Abbie pushes the cell phone toward him and tells him to call Zoe for a date, which he does, and he gets one.
It Ain’t Over Till It’s Over, Baby
Abbie is summoned to Reynolds’ office where he asks her what the hell is going on because he’s just found out she’s already mixed up in his investigation. He shows her some pictures of Jenny, Joe, and Sophia and reveals that the super top secret task force he’s putting together is investigating Atticus Nevins, Sophie’s boss.
Abbie just stares at the big man … and we’re left hanging to imagine how in the hell Miss Thing is going to back herself out of this interrogation. Can she trust him? Can he keep a secret? If she hops in the sack with him again since Crane is already heading in Zoe’s direction, does that mean it will take forever for Crane and Abbie to hook up? Oh, the drama of it all.
Creepy Pandora Gets the Last Word
Yes, it’s Pandora again, proving that this whole situation isn’t about a battle, but about a war. She’s in her creepy lair gazing into a reflective pool which shows an image of a battle happening, but it looks like a 200-year-old battle, if I’m not mistaken. Then she admires her “fear” plant which is now as big as Jack’s beanstalk. She murmurs some gibberish about one more bud blooming. So, what’s on the agenda next, oh boxy creature? I guess we’ll have to wait until next week to find out.
Sleepy Hollow airs Thursdays at 9pm on FOX.
(Image courtesy of FOX)
Contributing Writer, BuddyTV