After five painfully long episodes of The Vampire Diaries, Elena Gilbert finally grew a brain and realized there’s something off about her boyfriend Stefan Salvatore: he’s a vampire. It was one of those classic “No duh” TV moments, but also quite cool because it means the show can stop being about secrets and lies and start being about kick-ass vampires and the women who love them.
But why did it take Elena so long to figure out that Stefan is undead. Didn’t she realize the title of her show is The Vampire Diaries? Perhaps it was just a lack of general awareness. So to help prevent any women from suffering Elena’s fate, here are six simple clues that the man you’re dating is actually a vampire.
1. He’s Never Sick
If your man is a jock who never gets injured, and if he can recover from a deep cut within seconds, something is definitely off. Either you’re dating Claire from Heroes (I hear she kisses girls now) or your boyfriend could be a vampire.
2. He’s Obsessed With Jewelry
This is a tricky clue, because there are many different interpretations of guys who wear a lot of jewelry. If it’s gaudy gold chains and pinky rings, he might be an Italian mobster. If it’s sparkly or he coordinates the jewelry with his outfits, he’s probably gay. But if his jewelry is all really old, hideous and has ancient symbolic meaning, he’s a vampire. Warning: Some boyfriends can be more than one of these three options.
3. He Has Senior Citizen Friends
For the most part, teenage boys aren’t friends with old people. They play their music way too loud and won’t stop riding their damn skating boards. So if your boyfriend seems to know more than his fair share of senior citizens, and if they know him, he could be a vampire.
4. His Family is Dead (or Evil)
Vampires typically don’t have families, so if your boyfriend claims that everyone in his family is gone and he’s all alone, it means either he’s ashamed of you or he’s a vampire. The one exception to this rule is that, if he does have some family, find out how evil they are. If the only family member your boyfriend stays in contact with is a heartless, evil dude, you have to wonder why he’s even still talking to this relative.
5. He Only Gives Vague Non-Answers
When you ask your boyfriend questions, does he tell you the truth, or does he give vague answers about knowing someone, but then something happened and now he’s here? And even when he claims to be straightforward, does he only provide surface details like his favorite movie while ignoring anything about his actual personal life or backstory? If so, then odds are he’s a vampire.
6. Are People Being Bitten in Your Town?
If you’ve answered yes to any of the five clues above, you’re boyfriend might be a vampire. But how can you know for sure? Well, take a look around your town. Are there suddenly a lot of unexplained deaths or wild animal attacks? And do you personally know someone who claims she was bitten by a vampire? I’d say that’s a pretty good sign that there’s probably a vampire in your town, and it sounds like your boyfriend might fit the description.
If The Vampire Diaries‘ Elena Gilbert had listened to any of this advice, she wouldn’t have wasted so much time on a guy who was obviously a vampire. Not only would she answer “Yes” to all of these questions, but back in episode 2 Matt told her that Vicki claimed she was bitten by a vampire.
The most important thing to remember about detecting vampire boyfriends is that everything you thought you knew about vampires should go out the window. Maybe they can walk in sunlight or eat garlic bread or you can see their reflection. None of those things are proof that your boyfriend is NOT a vampire.
So stay vigilant ladies and try to avoid dating any vampires. Unless they’re really hot and can make chicken parmesan. Because, vampire or not, you can’t do much better than that.
-John Kubicek, BuddyTV Senior Writer
(Image courtesy of the CW)